Headlines

MOTHER NATURE GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP CONVERTS TO ISLAM AND BANS HIMSELF FROM U.S.

HOLLYWOOD ACTORS FIGHT AMONGST THEMSELVES STARTING NEW STAR WARS

DERMATOLOGIST SKINNED ALIVE BY SAVAGES

GALLON OF GAS WORTH MORE THAN OUNCE OF GOLD

BEAR CHARGED WITH HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENCE

STANLEY KUBRICK NEVER EXISTED AND WAS FAKED BY MOON

SEAT BELT SAVES STOCK MARKET IN CRASH

NUCLEAR BOMB EXPLODES IN APATHY LAND AND NO ONE CARES

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN STOPS BLOG TO PUT OUT MOTHER NATURE'S HOT FLASHES

STUPID PIZZA JOKES

Aren't you glad that pizzas don't taste the way they look?



"I'll have a pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, tomatoes and ants, please."
"Ants?"
"Yes, ants.  The pizza is for a picnic.  With all the cutbacks, people have to bring their own ants.  



One day scientists will discover that the Moon is only a large pizza with no toppings.



When will someone invent a pizza that delivers itself?



"How come you always get to be on top?" said the pizza dough to the cheese.



Do pizzas ever get cheesed off?



"Do you know how pizza's change light bulbs?"
"How?"
"Very carefully because pizzas have no hands."



"Why did the pizza cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was cheesed off with a funny bone technician, and wanted to get away from his blog."

CLUBS, ORGANIZTIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

The Association of Lottery Losers  (ALL)



Common Sense Club  (CSC)



Bad Smells Incorporated  (BSI)



The Green Cheese Moon Society  (GCMS)



The Wholesale Holistic Poison Store



The Sickness And Death Clinic



The Future Life Regression Place



The Descended Masters' Palace



The Probiotic Robots' Colon Club


The End

HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

ALL ABOUT KANGAROOS

"Why did the kangaroo cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It was on its way to its court."



"How many kangaroos does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?
"I don't know either.  That's why I asked."

"What is a kangaroo's biggest fault?"
"What?"
"Jumping to conclusions."




"What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a blog?"
"I don't know."
"A blog that jumps all over the place."


 

"What did the Moon say to Mars?"
"I don't know.  What?"
"Do you come here often?  What is your sign?  Can I buy you a black hole?"




Is it true that Indigo gets the blues?




Climate change isn't true because it isn't mentioned in The Bible.

ON TERRORISTS AND SUICIDE BOMBERS

Do suicide bombers ever buy lottery tickets?


Q:  When is a terrorist not a terrorist?
A:  When he or she is on your side.


Is marriage a form of terrorism? 


Q:  How can you spot a group of optimistic suicide bombers?
A:  When you see them buying green bananas, and reading copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace.


Q:  Why did the terrorist cross the road?
A:  To bomb a chicken on the other side.


Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get away from the terrorist.


Disappointment is when a suicide bomber dies and goes to Heaven, and is immediately met my 72 wrinkled old nuns.  


Q:  Why won't terrorists go to the moon?
A:  No buildings to bomb.


Terrorists would make their lives so much easier if they simply gave up their beliefs.

 

IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS . . .

A million dollars . . . Do you know how much that translates to dollars and cents?  (It's 100 million cents, but I don't know whether any of them are common.)

If I had a million dollars . . .

- I would buy a giant petri dish as a second home for the Great Amoeba, Architect of the Universe.

- I would start a school for silent letters so they could learn how to make noise.

- I would adopt a Sistah for the Buddha.

- I would donate thousands and thousands of dollars to the poor, starving corporations and oil companies.

- I would give failure a make over so people aren't afraid of it.

- I would buy bullshit for the government so it would never run out.

- I would make overday bags so overnight bags would have companions.

- I would Just Do It having no idea what It is.

- I would buy extension cords for all the lonely sockets out there.

And finally I would buy some real estate on the Moon, and build a crater to have a large write off at tax time.

A SHORT STORY

Once upon a time there was a woman named Agnes.  No one would go out with Agnes because she was so ugly.

(How ugly was she?

 She was so ugly that the moon ran away when she howled at it.)

Poor Agnes wanted to go out on dates and eventually get married.  But no one wanted anything to do with her.  As a last resort, Agnes made a deal with the devil.  She agreed to give Satan her soul if he would make her beautiful.

"No problem," said Satan.  "When you wake up tomorrow you will be beautiful.  Everyone will want to be with you."

Agnes was so excited she found it hard to fall asleep.  "Wow," she thought, "I'm going to be beautiful!"

The next day Agnes got up early and looked in the mirror.  She looked the same!  Nothing had changed.  She immediately summoned Satan.

"I trusted you!" she said.  "You promised to make me beautiful and I still look the same."

"That's true," said Satan.  "I did not change your appearance, but check your bank account."

Agnes checked her bank account.  It contained over 3 billion dollars!  Within a short time Agnes was going out on many, many dates.  She ended up marrying her bank manager.  They lived abundantly ever after.

THE AND 

(Pun intended)

MUSINGS UPON LEAVING MY MIND . . .

Was I supposed to pick up a loaf of bread, or a loaf of brain?


Will wearing earplugs keep the wind from blowing through my head?


How much does free cost?


Which word is older, "older" or "younger"?


I think it was a loaf of brain.  I'm sure I have lots of bread.


For protection, should psychiatrists hire insecurity guards?


What country is the moon from?

 Did Hercules use steroids?


Was King Arthur gay?  If so, then did he enjoy his days as much as he enjoyed his knights?

DO I HAVE TOO MUCH HANS ON MY TIME?

Do I have to much Hans on my time?  I do whenever my fat neighbor Hans sits on my watch.

I never know when Hans is going to show up.  He never calls.  He knocks at my door.  When I answer he asks, "May I sit on your watch?"  I let him in.  I take off my watch.  He sits on it and smiles.  After several minutes, he gets up and leaves thanking me on his way out.

I always think of questions while Hans is on my time:

What does the moon eat to get full?

Do whores love their work?

Why do I keep falling asleep when I read books about insomnia?

Are marriage and serenity compatible?

Can a void be organic?

Does Nothing have an identity crisis when it is Impossible?

Why am I afraid to ask Hans why he enjoys sitting on my time?

THIS IS NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORY

Michael Jackson does not look like a killer, does he?

He is.  Michael Jackson was behind the assassinations of President John Kennedy, Senator Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King.  Why?  Both Kennedys and Martin Luther King never went to a Jackson Five concert.  This angered Michael to no end.

Michael looked like this when he carried out the killings.  He changed his appearance over the years to keep from getting caught.  Investigators were looking for a black guy with an Afro and not a white lady with long black hair.

Michael managed to evade arrest up until the Spring of 2009.  That's when investigators started putting the pieces of the puzzle together.  It showed Michael Jackson was responsible for all three deaths, and may have been behind 911.  To avoid arrest, Michael Jackson faked his own death.

Michael Jackson is alive and well and living on the Moon where he goes for walks daily.

This is not a conspiracy theory, it is fact.  How do I know?  I have a reliable source: my imagination.

EXCERPTS FROM THE MOON'S DIARY

The following are excerpts from the Moon's diary.  We cannot say how they came into our possession.   For unknown reasons, the Moon never dated its diary entries.

I suspect I will feel better about myself , and have less mood swings, when I get in touch with my inner lunatic.

***

I am going to ask the Man in me to start paying rent.  It's not right that he lives in me rent-free.

***

Galaxy Skin Cream is no good.  I am taking it back for a refund.  It was supposed to make my skin smooth, but I still have large pockmarks.

***

Whew!  I'm full.

***

I wanted to see Venus today, but she could not get out of her orbit.  We've been spending a lot of time together.  She doesn't have a moon.  Perhaps one day I will leave Earth for Venus.

***

Earthlings are good-humored.  They have never complained about me mooning them after all these years.

WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

Are you stressed out?  Is going back to school bringing you down?  Is your routine a rut?  Here are some suggestions to help you to reduce your stress:

Walk to the Moon.  By the time you get there, you will have forgotten why you were stressed.

Wash your face.  How will washing your face reduce your stress?  I don't know, but it can't hurt.

Exorcise.  Find someone who is possessed and exorcise.

Get a life-threatening illness.  Watch how your worries melt away when you have a few days to live.  

Write Your Stress on a piece of paper.  Cut the paper in half, and throw one half away.  See how that reduces Your Stress?

THE PURPOSE OF THE MOON

What is the purpose of the Moon?  Here are some answers:


We have the Moon because there are not enough ugly people for the wolves to howl at. 

The Moon keeps the Solar System supplied with green cheese.


The Moon helps Luna Tic.


The Moon keeps Proctor & Gamble in business by using lots of Tide. 


The Moon provides inspiration for composers.  It inspired Ludwig van Beethoven to compose his Piano Sonata No.14 in C-Sharp Minor "Quasi Una Fantasia"  Op.27. No.2   (There may be another name for it.)

 

The Moon provides No Atmosphere a place to live. 



And finally, the Moon was nice enough to give a reason for this blog.

 

SEVEN AND A HALF REASONS WINTER IS STAYING IN TORONTO . . .

1 -  Public transit delays.

2 -  It wants to take full advantage of  all of the spring sales.

3 -  It loves the drama at city hall starring Rob Ford.

4 -  It's waiting for the Moon to moon something in Toronto.

5 -  It hasn't finished its nine-month course called, "Snow In Canadian Cities 101"

6 -  It likes Toronto.  The rent is cheap.

7 -  It is dating a Toronto sewer and does not to leave it.

7.5 - It''s writing a --

THE MOON SAID WHAT?

"I don't know what's wrong with me.  I guess I'm going through another phase."

"It's that time of the month, and I feel bloated, full."

"I'm happy most of the time, but every so often I'm blue."

"I'm going to start charging that man rent."    
                                
"Whew!  I love it when they wax my crescent!"

"Moonday is my favorite day."
 
"Wow!  Look at that tide!  Will it go out with me?"
 
"I think I'll start a club for lunatics"

 "Hey Diddle Diddle, there were no cow patties after the cow
jumped over me!"

 "Damn that Neil Armstrong!  He thinks he can walk all over me."

 "I'd love to know what those wolves are howling at."

THE OTHER NIGHT . . .

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

Santa Claus was the first high-school dropout to make it big.  He hated high school.  Everyone teased him about his weight, and always wearing a red suit.  He dropped out of high school and headed to the North Pole.  The rest is fantasy.

The Universe is 13 billion years old,  and has never been to a doctor.  The Universe attributes its long life and good health to being everything that exists.

Composer Franz Liszt's first name was not always Franz.  He changed it to Franz from Grocery.

O.J. Simpson was part of  the conspiracy to kill John F. Kennedy.  O.J. was prepared to give President Kennedy poisoned orange juice if the bullets did not kill him.

The dark side of the Moon would disappear if the Moon practised better hygiene.

Cell phones are one of the leading causes of talking.

Canada welcomes new diseases and viruses.  They may apply for visas or work permits.

Faust has a twin brother named Slowst.  Few know this about Faust because Slowst is still moving through the birth canal. 

All things must pass.  Some things must piss.

Anti and uncle oxidants will keep you healthy.

Another day is . . .  another day.