Falling In Love

Not All About Love

Was it St.Valentine who chased all the hearts out of Ireland?

"Why do fools fall in love?"

"Why?"

"Because it is not a coincidence that Cupid rhymes with stupid."

Love and Marriage go together like Peace and War.

"I can't fall in love."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't studied the Law of Gravity."

Do light bulbs change when they fall in love?

If love is blind, then how come you never see it with a white cane?

Is it possible to love yourself and not masturbate?

"Why did love cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because it found a way."

"Oh Wise Master, how does one love one's enemies?"

"Very carefully, my child, very carefully."

Love never ends, but blogs do.

About Forever

Forever wasn't always forever.  Once there was For, and once there was Ever.  For and Ever met at Infinity, a bar located in Eternity. It was love at first sight.  They made each other so happy that they vowed to stay together . . .  forever.


"How long did it take Forever to cross the road?"
"Forever?"
"Good guess, but we're not sure.  It's still crossing."


"How many forevers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"One.  There is only one forever."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Forever."

"Forever who?"

"Forever and ever."

"Can you come back after this blog is over.  I haven't got the time to talk to you right now."

"Forever walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

Forever sits there saying nothing.

And the bartender asks, "Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?"

Forever says nothing.

"Hey Buddy," says the bartender, "is this gonna take long?"

And Forever says, "I don't know.  I'm still crossing the road."

"Why did Forever cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To see how long it would take."

"So, have you decided yet?" asks the bartender.

"Yes," says Forever.  "I'll have a Diamonds Are Me, please?"

"Diamonds are you?" 

"Yes, Diamonds Are Forever."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Forever."

"Forever who?"

"Forever and ever."

"What?  Is the blog over already?"

Bits Of Conversations From Valentine's Day

"I love you, honey."
"Oh yeah?  Well prove it by always putting the toilet seat down."


"Oh, you're so beautiful!  I don't deserve you."
"I know."


"Honey, I love you so much I will do anything for you."
"Anything?"
"Well--er--uh almost anything."


"I loved you yesterday and I love you still, but I'm not sure about tomorrow."


"Can you tell me why you love me?"
"Yes, because you always ask me questions."


"Coming back from space, on Valentine's Day, has made me realize one thing."
"What's that?"
"You're the only black hole for me!"


"You light up my life!"
"Why thank you, sweetheart.  Will you promise never to unplug me?"


"Our love grows bigger and bigger with each passing day."
"What?  Does it have a weight problem?"


"Without you, I'm nothing."
"That's not true.  You're still nothing."


"Our love will never end."
"You're right.  Like you, it goes on and on."

IT'S ABOUT TIME

On Sunday November 6, 2016a.m., at 2:00 a.m., we set our clocks back one hour going from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time.  Did anyone tell Mother Nature so she can adjust her clocks?



"Spring forward.  Fall back."
"What about Summer and Winter?"
"They're watching Spring and Fall doing gymnastics."

  

"Daddy," said the child clock, "how long before we get to Standard Time?"

And the daddy clock replied, "It will take us about an hour." 

"Hey Clock, how come it didn't take you long to read War and Peace?" 

And Clock replied, "Oh, I have lots of time on my hands."

A mother sees her child rubbing a watch on his scraped knee.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm making my booboo better," says the child.  "I heard that time heals all wounds."

If time flies, then how come it has never crashed into airplanes?

"I promise to love you until the end of time.  After that I'm gonna find someone else."

I HOPE . . .

I hope God never contracts out the angels' jobs to a private company.  Can you imagine having to pay for the protection of guardian angels?


I hope my harp never becomes a harpy.


I hope cigarettes never get cancer.


I hope a head of cabbage never has a bad hair day.


I hope, after I die, that I come back as a beneficiary to my life insurance policy.


I hope I don't get dirty after I fall in love.


I hope The Pope can cope with priests who grope.


I hope The never divorces End.

AFFIRMATIONS

I am in control of my bladder and bowels.


I can act like an idiot in any situation.


I feel a great sense of happiness, security and well-being while I'm in denial.


I am grateful for all the grapefruit in my life.


I accept, appreciate and love myself while I masturbate.


I am positively negative in a positive way. 


I am a channel for pee-pee and caca.


I am peaceful and calm when unconscious.


I choose money--lots and lots of money. 


All is well. (I just fell in.)


I let go of love and embrace fear.


I am that I am, and that's it. 

DOGS' THOUGHTS ON STOOPING AND SCOOPING

What do dogs think when they see humans stooping and scooping?  I asked 11 dogs and here is what they said.


"Gosh, my master has an interesting hobby!"


"My poor master!  Does he get enough to eat?" 


"What's my master going to do with that?  Make a weapon by using it with a fan?"


"Hmmm . . . Is there gold in my poop?  Perhaps I should start charging for it."


"What does my master do with it?  Sell it to politicians for their speeches?"


 "Is my master recycling my food?"


"My master has an interesting strategy for something."


"I know he loves me more than his wife.  I never see him doing this for her."


"Is my master a coprophiliac?"  


"How weird!  I'd report him if he wasn't so nice to me."

"Ha!  Look at her!  And she thinks that she is the master."

I REMEMBER . . .

Some doctor told me that I have amnesia.  I don't remember his name.  I feel okay.  I think he was mistaken.  My memory is fine.  I can remember things that never happened. 

I remember:

- When an incurable plague raged around the world and killed off nobody;

- When a clown saved Earth from an alien-balloon invasion, and created another universe with a Big Bang;

- When Moses said to God, "Ten?  You only have ten?" 

- When an alien, with a degree in anal probeology, suffered major depression because he could not decide who the biggest asshole was on Earth;

- When I had only a month to live, but lived longer because I did not have a calendar;

- When a zombie ate my brains and then complained, "I'm still hungry!  There wasn't enough."

- When I had to choose between love or money and chose bananas; and

Finally I remember when I ran out of ideas.

MEN'S EXCUSES FOR NOT BUYING FLOWERS ON VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, you know how I feel about the environment.  Well, picking flowers is like cutting down trees."

 ***

"But I got you flowers last year and they died."

***

 "I bought you a bouquet of roses, honest, and the dog ate them."

***

 "I was going to get you flowers, but then I thought I better not in case you have hay fever."

***

"But I bought you flowers!  You should feel special because you're the only woman in the world to get invisible flowers." 

***

"I was going to get you flowers, but I used the money to buy a case of beer . . . C'mon Honey, when was the last time we did something romantic like drinking a case of beer together?"

***

 "I was going to get you flowers, but I wasn't sure which flowers matched your broom, cauldron and the wart on your nose."

***

"It's what?  Valentine's Day?  Oh yeah, it's always a week or so after the Super Bowl."

***

And finally there's the not-so-bright husband who told his wife,"I didn't forget to to buy you flowers.  I didn't have enough money after buying flowers for my girlfriend."

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I had a dream that I was William Shakespeare, and that I was in love with Walt Disney.  But Walt Disney did not love me.  He was in love with Mickey Mouse.  But Mickey Mouse did not love Walt Disney.  Mickey was in love with Donald Trump.  But Donald Trump did not love Mickey.  Donald Trump was in love with Kurt Vonnegut.  And so it goes.

I went to the fairies to get a love potion to make Walt Disney fall in love with me.  I arrived at the dark enchanted forest at 3:55 p.m.  They told me that I had to fill out some forms, but that they were closing the enchanted forest at four.  I would have come back the next day at 8:00 a.m. when they opened.  

The fairies used to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but that was before the Teamsters union bargained to get fairies working Monday to Friday, 8 to 4, with weekends off.

The fairies said that I did not have to wait until the next day to fill out the forms.  They said that I could go to their website and fill out the forms online.  Unfortunately I, as William Shakespeare, did not have a computer or any computer skills.

In the meantime, Donald Trump managed to corner Kurt Vonnegut and propose marriage.  Kurt Vonnegut said, "No."  This caused Donald Trump to sink deep into depression and declare his candidacy for President of the United States.  He would run as a Republican.

How devastating for Mickey Mouse was when he heard this.  Mickey Mouse comes from a long line of Democrats.  Mickey Mouse fled from Disneyland and went to Neverland where he met and fell in love with Peter Pan.  And Peter Pan fell in love with Mickey Mouse.

Suddenly I was in the fruit store that Mickey and Peter opened in Neverland.  I was looking for a nice ripe bunch of bananas.  And then I woke up.  And so it goes.

MY MANY LOVES

I have had many relationships and not all of them were with people . . . 

I once fell in love with a committee, and it is still trying to decide whether to return my love.

I once fell in love with a mountain that did not love me.  It took me a long time to get over it.

I was once in love with a street.  It broke up with me because I crossed it.

I once fell in love with a restraining order, but it forbade me from seeing it.

I once fell in love with anonymous sources, and never found out who they were.

I once had a relationship with humor, but you can see that it left me.

DO I HAVE TOO MUCH HANS ON MY TIME?

Do I have to much Hans on my time?  I do whenever my fat neighbor Hans sits on my watch.

I never know when Hans is going to show up.  He never calls.  He knocks at my door.  When I answer he asks, "May I sit on your watch?"  I let him in.  I take off my watch.  He sits on it and smiles.  After several minutes, he gets up and leaves thanking me on his way out.

I always think of questions while Hans is on my time:

What does the moon eat to get full?

Do whores love their work?

Why do I keep falling asleep when I read books about insomnia?

Are marriage and serenity compatible?

Can a void be organic?

Does Nothing have an identity crisis when it is Impossible?

Why am I afraid to ask Hans why he enjoys sitting on my time?

WHY I LEFT MY MARRIAGE

I promised my wife that I would love her until the end of time.  After that, I planned to find someone else.  I did not keep my promise, and left the marriage before the end of time.  Here are the reasons I left:

•  I experienced post-traumatic stress disorder every time we had sex.
•  I kept failing at following orders.
• The United Nations was going to start charging us for the peacekeepers deployed in our home.
• I felt that I was in a handbasket going somewhere, but did not know where. 
• I was tired of doing mood-disorder research.
• Our marriage interfered with the neighborhood's happiness.
•  I could not get used to staying in the doghouse during the winter.

And, finally, I left my marriage because I caught my wife in bed with the cow next door.

THE UNIVERSE, MIXED MARRIAGE AND A BAR

I became One with The Universe, and got an infection in my solar system.  When I went to my doctor, he said that I should have practiced "safe meditation."

"How do you practice safe meditation?" I asked.

"He answered, "Very carefully."

 ***

 

Did you hear about the skunk that fell in love with a fart?  Conservative skunks told him that the relationship was not right; that he should stick with stinks of his own kind.  But love transcends all boundaries including bad smells.

The fart experienced the same resistance from her parents and other farts.  She had to flee from an asshole to be with the skunk.  They ran off and got married.

Some said, "Their children won't know whether they are skunks or farts."  This was not a problem.  The skunk and fart raised their children not as skunks or farts, but as bad smells.  They lived smellaby ever after.

***

A bar walks into another bar.  What a mess!  Booze and broken glass all over the place!  The patrons fled, both bartenders suffered major injuries.  This joke has to stop now before anyone else gets hurt.