A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I had a dream that I was William Shakespeare, and that I was in love with Walt Disney.  But Walt Disney did not love me.  He was in love with Mickey Mouse.  But Mickey Mouse did not love Walt Disney.  Mickey was in love with Donald Trump.  But Donald Trump did not love Mickey.  Donald Trump was in love with Kurt Vonnegut.  And so it goes.

I went to the fairies to get a love potion to make Walt Disney fall in love with me.  I arrived at the dark enchanted forest at 3:55 p.m.  They told me that I had to fill out some forms, but that they were closing the enchanted forest at four.  I would have come back the next day at 8:00 a.m. when they opened.  

The fairies used to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but that was before the Teamsters union bargained to get fairies working Monday to Friday, 8 to 4, with weekends off.

The fairies said that I did not have to wait until the next day to fill out the forms.  They said that I could go to their website and fill out the forms online.  Unfortunately I, as William Shakespeare, did not have a computer or any computer skills.

In the meantime, Donald Trump managed to corner Kurt Vonnegut and propose marriage.  Kurt Vonnegut said, "No."  This caused Donald Trump to sink deep into depression and declare his candidacy for President of the United States.  He would run as a Republican.

How devastating for Mickey Mouse was when he heard this.  Mickey Mouse comes from a long line of Democrats.  Mickey Mouse fled from Disneyland and went to Neverland where he met and fell in love with Peter Pan.  And Peter Pan fell in love with Mickey Mouse.

Suddenly I was in the fruit store that Mickey and Peter opened in Neverland.  I was looking for a nice ripe bunch of bananas.  And then I woke up.  And so it goes.

HOPE THESE GAGS DON'T MAKE YOU GAG

A bartender walks into a bar and says, "Anybody seen my joke?  I lost it."

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One if the civil servant is not in a union, and 17 if he or she is.

Q:  How many tax auditors does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One, but the light bulb has to file a tax return first.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

(Sorry, but a zombie ate the rest of this joke.)

"You look terrible!" says one zombie to another. 

"I know," says the other zombie.  "I think it was something I ate."

"Hey funny bone technician!" 

That's me.  "Yes?"

"Have you seen my joke?"

"No, I haven't.

"Well, could you write one for me?  I'm lost without a joke."

"Okay."

Q:  Why did not bartender cross the road?

A:  He was following a chicken who didn't pay its bar bill.

"That's the best you can do?"

"Sorry, but beggars can't be a stitch in time -- or something like that."  

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL HUMOR?

Q:  How much money does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends upon whether it is a union, or non-union light bulb.

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  It was in a chicken's wallet.

 

 A hundred dollar bill walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "I'll have a glass of milk please."

"Milk?" asks the bartender.  "Since when do you go into a bar and order milk?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "Since when do you talk to hundred dollar bills that walk into your bar?"

 

A chicken gets to the other side of the road, and decides to check its wallet.  The chicken panics when it notices that money is missing.

"My hundred dollars is missing!   My hundred dollars is missing!  My hundred dollars is missing!" screams the chicken over and over and over again.

A man comes along and says, "Calm down.  It's down the street in the bar having a glass of milk."

 

The hundred dollar bill is finishing up its glass of milk when the bartender comes over and says, "I hear that loving your kind is the root of all evil."

The hundred dollar bill slams down its empty glass almost breaking it and says, "I've had enough of this blog!" and walks out.