THINGS I LEARNED AND DID WITH NO INTERNET

A big bad black dragon breathed fire at the server and prevented my access to the Internet for the past several days.  Here are some things I learned and did with no Internet:

I learned that babies are caused by men peeing into women.

I took a ruler and measured up.

I found my mind.

I learned that I am not lazy.  I am a lightworker.

I learned that cats cannot cook or clean.

I took a long walk along the beach that does not exist near me.  (That is where I found my mind.)

I learned that snow does not last long on a hot stove.

I drank a lot of H with my Two O.

I cried over spilt milk and found no use in that.

I did not win 27 trillion dollars.

I learned that Brian Williams would make a good politician.

And finally, I abducted some aliens for no reason.  I will release them as soon as I finish this blog.

I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING . . .

I want to complain about everything, but I don't know where to begin.

Why does this picture have nothing to do with this blog?

 
Why are books made into movies?  Why can't they just let them be books?

Why are Blackberry keypads so small?

Why is Dracula so bloody ugly?   

Why don't zombies use deodorant?
 
Why doesn't hair fall out of my armpits and crotch instead of my head?

Why do I cry when I spill milk?

Why does this blog have to end when I was just getting started?

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL HUMOR?

Q:  How much money does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends upon whether it is a union, or non-union light bulb.

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  It was in a chicken's wallet.

 

 A hundred dollar bill walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "I'll have a glass of milk please."

"Milk?" asks the bartender.  "Since when do you go into a bar and order milk?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "Since when do you talk to hundred dollar bills that walk into your bar?"

 

A chicken gets to the other side of the road, and decides to check its wallet.  The chicken panics when it notices that money is missing.

"My hundred dollars is missing!   My hundred dollars is missing!  My hundred dollars is missing!" screams the chicken over and over and over again.

A man comes along and says, "Calm down.  It's down the street in the bar having a glass of milk."

 

The hundred dollar bill is finishing up its glass of milk when the bartender comes over and says, "I hear that loving your kind is the root of all evil."

The hundred dollar bill slams down its empty glass almost breaking it and says, "I've had enough of this blog!" and walks out.