CAPTION THIS!

IF ONLY . . .

If only there was dirt that soften, freshen and
brightened clothes.


If only there were stoves that washed dishes and did other housework.


If only there was chocolate that caused weight loss. 


If only there were cats that had jobs.


If only there was food that cooked itself.


If only there were smiles for cranky stones.


If only there were alarms for poverty-stricken fires.


If only I could find a vita for some min.


If only I could find my mind . . .

THINGS I LEARNED AND DID WITH NO INTERNET

A big bad black dragon breathed fire at the server and prevented my access to the Internet for the past several days.  Here are some things I learned and did with no Internet:

I learned that babies are caused by men peeing into women.

I took a ruler and measured up.

I found my mind.

I learned that I am not lazy.  I am a lightworker.

I learned that cats cannot cook or clean.

I took a long walk along the beach that does not exist near me.  (That is where I found my mind.)

I learned that snow does not last long on a hot stove.

I drank a lot of H with my Two O.

I cried over spilt milk and found no use in that.

I did not win 27 trillion dollars.

I learned that Brian Williams would make a good politician.

And finally, I abducted some aliens for no reason.  I will release them as soon as I finish this blog.

IF . . .

If you are not reading this, then what are you doing?

If cows could fly, then cars would take longer to go through  a car wash.

If men got pregnant, then steps would be taken to ensure that pregnancies were painless and lasted an hour.

If I ruled the world, then each day would be another day of the week.

If today was not April First, then it would be another day.  It might even be another day than the another day mentioned in the sentence above.

If I could fly, then cars would take longer to go through a car wash.

If Frankenstein would groom himself better, then he would get more dates.

If I could be anything, then I would be a kumquat just to be different.   (Either that or a kayak.)

If cats could talk, then they could tell us why they have never said anything before.

If John Donne was deaf, then he would not have heard any bells and told us for whom these bells toll.

If . . .  

If there was no word if, then . . .  uh . . . 

HOW MANY _____ DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

How many politicians does it take to change one light bulb?

Lots of them . . .  and at great public expense!

How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  That's the electrician's job.  One hundred dollars service charge for the house call, thank you.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  It wasn't the light bulb.  It was faulty wiring in the switch box.  That will be five hundred dollars, please. 

One hundred dollars service charge and four hundred dollars for parts and labor.

How many serial killers does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  Who wants to be in the dark with a serial killer?

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she will not do it because she is blocked.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he will rehearse doing it many times before he actually does it.

How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

How many would you like?

How many thieves does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you better watch him do it.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he’ll do it later.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

You have to be hypnotized to find out.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but first he will tell you how it was the conservatives’ fault that the light burned out, and then he will change the bulb.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They will get a private company to do it after telling you that liberals cause lights to burn out.

How many people who give bad advice does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he won’t do it.  He’ll tell you to call a plumber.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That job has gone to Mexico.  

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?

One.       Light bulbs give light

                To make things all bright.

                Change it I might

                Before it is night.

How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

One million . . .  Just joking.  Two.  One comedian to open for the other who changes the bulb.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It is beneath them to do it.  You better call a plumber.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?  
One.  Why do light bulbs burn out?  If a light bulb burns out in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still get dark?  What is the meaning of darkness?  Is darkness The End?