IF I RULED THE WORLD

If I ruled the world, then . . . 

- Everyone over 3,429 years old would get free membership to The Fossil Club;

- Brains would be available, free of charge, to those who don't have one;

- People would have to leave baths as well as take them;

- Timid kumquats would have courage;

- Fine China would be unbreakable;

- Peoples' shadows would have to carry the same identification as their owners in case the shadows get lost;

- The weather would be predictable;  and finally,

If I ruled the world, then God would have to explain, in simple English, why we are here and the meaning of it all.

IF TOILETS RULED THE WORLD . . .

If toilets ruled the world . . . 

- Every flush would be royal.

- Philosopher toilets would debate whether toilets can have accidents.

- Clocks would flush instead of tick.

- Tank tops would never go out of style.

- Plungers would be second in command.

- The game of bowling would change.

- There would be fees for toilet training.

- The labels "bathrooms" and "washrooms" would be replaced by toiletrooms.

If toilets ruled the world, then blogs like this would get flushed.

IDEAS TO IMPROVE THE WORLD

Make terrorists study acupuncture and put needles in their bombs.  The bombs may still destroy buildings, but bombing victims will feel better.

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Instead of paying politicians a salary, pay them for each time they tell the truth.

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To  stop littering, give people tickets to theaters and sporting events in exchange for their garbage.

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Have time limits for wars as there are in any game.  If a war isn't won in 24 hours, then it ends in a tie.

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Pass a law that all junk food must be organic.

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Change the laws so that no one can go on strike without first getting permission from his or her employer.

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And finally, to make the world a better place, prohibit blogs like this one.

LOVE QUOTES FROM PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF

IF . . .

If you are not reading this, then what are you doing?

If cows could fly, then cars would take longer to go through  a car wash.

If men got pregnant, then steps would be taken to ensure that pregnancies were painless and lasted an hour.

If I ruled the world, then each day would be another day of the week.

If today was not April First, then it would be another day.  It might even be another day than the another day mentioned in the sentence above.

If I could fly, then cars would take longer to go through a car wash.

If Frankenstein would groom himself better, then he would get more dates.

If I could be anything, then I would be a kumquat just to be different.   (Either that or a kayak.)

If cats could talk, then they could tell us why they have never said anything before.

If John Donne was deaf, then he would not have heard any bells and told us for whom these bells toll.

If . . .  

If there was no word if, then . . .  uh . . . 

TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD . . .

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who can't count;
those who have bad memories . . . and I can't remember who the third kind are.