MY LIFE AS A KAYAK or RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A PIECE OF PAPER

Would you buy meat from a butcher named Jack Ripper?

I had a dream that I was a mountain on a golf course.  Everyone hated me.

A true Canadian dog barks in English and French.

I put my money where my mouth is and discovered that money is not as good as food.

A cutting board will not protect you from ultra violet light.

Has anyone ever been attacked by a shark while surfing the Internet?

People eat rye bread.  Philosophers eat why bread.

 

IF . . .

If you are not reading this, then what are you doing?

If cows could fly, then cars would take longer to go through  a car wash.

If men got pregnant, then steps would be taken to ensure that pregnancies were painless and lasted an hour.

If I ruled the world, then each day would be another day of the week.

If today was not April First, then it would be another day.  It might even be another day than the another day mentioned in the sentence above.

If I could fly, then cars would take longer to go through a car wash.

If Frankenstein would groom himself better, then he would get more dates.

If I could be anything, then I would be a kumquat just to be different.   (Either that or a kayak.)

If cats could talk, then they could tell us why they have never said anything before.

If John Donne was deaf, then he would not have heard any bells and told us for whom these bells toll.

If . . .  

If there was no word if, then . . .  uh . . .