Reasons For Toronto Public Library's Internet Outage

The Toronto Public Library had no Internet on Wednesday, August 23.  Here are possible reasons:


- The library's Internet booked off sick with a virus. 

- The library's Internet got caught in a world wide web.

- A dog ate the library's network.

- The library's IP address got stuck in a urinal.

- The library washed its Internet and couldn't do a thing with it.

- The library's Internet traveled by TTC (Toronto's public transit).

- Aliens abducted the library's Internet and kept it a long time because they had trouble finding the Internet's anus.

- The library's Internet was not down, but tested a Halloween costume by dressing up as a zero.

- The library's Internet got confused doing its homework using the Dewey Decimal System.

And finally . . . 

Donald Trump.  We can always blame Donald Trump.

QUOTES NEVER SAID . . .

"I want to end the world, but there's no point.  Humans are so distracted with their smartphones, texting and Internet that they'd never notice."

                                          - God

"How wonderful!  I get credit for the evil people do, and they think it's me!"

                                                                                                   - Satan

"I hope humans and their innards are around forever."

                                       - Cancer

"Is that a person, or is it only the sunlight reflecting off shiny flies?"

                                - A Flying Saucer 

"I have waaay too much money.  I wish I had less."

                      - A Single Mother of Six 

"What?  What did you say?"

                          - Vincent Van Gogh 

"Gosh, it doesn't take much to get them all worked up."

                            - Donald Trump 

 

                               - Porky Pig

THINGS I LEARNED AND DID WITH NO INTERNET

A big bad black dragon breathed fire at the server and prevented my access to the Internet for the past several days.  Here are some things I learned and did with no Internet:

I learned that babies are caused by men peeing into women.

I took a ruler and measured up.

I found my mind.

I learned that I am not lazy.  I am a lightworker.

I learned that cats cannot cook or clean.

I took a long walk along the beach that does not exist near me.  (That is where I found my mind.)

I learned that snow does not last long on a hot stove.

I drank a lot of H with my Two O.

I cried over spilt milk and found no use in that.

I did not win 27 trillion dollars.

I learned that Brian Williams would make a good politician.

And finally, I abducted some aliens for no reason.  I will release them as soon as I finish this blog.

ALL ABOUT EBOLA

An Ebola virus goes to its doctor and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The Ebola virus says, "I think I caught a human being."
"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the Ebola virus, "I've started thinking that my fellow viruses are causing all my problems and I want to kill them."
"Yep," says the doctor, "you've definitely caught a human being."  He starts writing a prescription.  "I'm going to prescribe a bottle of rational thinking.  It will get rid of your human being, and prevent you from being infected by others."

Q: Why did the Ebola virus cross the road?

A:  To infect a chicken.

An Ebola virus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The Ebola virus says, "I'll have a fever and sore throat on the rocks, thanks."

As the bartender fixes the drink he says, "You must be new around here.  I haven't seen you before."

"I've been around," says the Ebola virus, "I just never came in here.  It's lonely being famous.  I'm hoping to meet some other viruses to share the spotlight."

"You've come to the right place," says the bartender.  "You can pickup all kinds of viruses here.  This place is better than a hospital.  Our patrons include AIDS, Mad Cow, Gonorrhea, Malaria, and the flu to name a few."
"Well, where are they?" asks the Ebola virus.  "The place seems deserted."
"Don't worry," says the bartender, "they'll be here soon.  They always come at Unhappy Hour."

"Are you here for the same problem?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the Ebola virus, "I finished the bottle of rational thinking, and it cured me."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I'm depressed," says the Ebola virus.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"The human being that had infected me," says the Ebola virus, "is on the Internet writing blogs."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "no one will read them."

UPDATED PROVERBS . . .

Good things come to those who cheat, bribe and steal.

A dog is a man's best friend and, with the way morals are going, may be his lover, too.

A bird in the hand may lead to cruelty-to-animal charges.

Honesty may not be the best policy.

Haste makes  attention deficit disorder easy to have.

Slow and steady wins points during sex.

An apple a day can make the drug companies lose money. 

A rolling stone gathers fans -- even after all these years.

People who live in glass houses are exhibitionists.

Don't cry over spilled dairy-free soy milk.

You can lead a horse to water, but why would you when you be spend your time on the Internet reading silly blogs. 

MY WATCH

What a pleasure to look at my watch!  It is simple.  It displays the time.  That is all it does.  That is its only function.  It is not a computer, calculator, calendar, camera or toilet.  I have only to look at it to see the time.  No logon I.D.  No password.  No application.  No keypad.  

How refeshing seeing such simplicity!  We live in a time when our lives are complicated with the Internet, e-mail, text messages, cell phones, computers, etc.  I am not against this technology, but how hard to get away from it.  We are surrounded by it.

For the few seconds I look at my watch, I am transported away from the chaotic digital circus.  I am taken to Simple -- a place of silence, peace and quiet.  I return restored and rejuvenated.  I go on vacation every time I look at my watch!

MY LIFE AS A KAYAK or RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A PIECE OF PAPER

Would you buy meat from a butcher named Jack Ripper?

I had a dream that I was a mountain on a golf course.  Everyone hated me.

A true Canadian dog barks in English and French.

I put my money where my mouth is and discovered that money is not as good as food.

A cutting board will not protect you from ultra violet light.

Has anyone ever been attacked by a shark while surfing the Internet?

People eat rye bread.  Philosophers eat why bread.

 

WHY?

Why is the Monday after Easter Sunday a holiday?   Did Jesus need a day to recover after rising from the dead?

Why is water wet?   Would we save time if water was dry?

Why does bus rhyme with Gus?  Why doesn't bus rhyme with orange?

Why is hot not hot when it's cold?  Why is cold not cold when it's hot? 

Why don't bad smells bother dogs?

Why don't dreams get released on DVD's?

Why aren't more lies true?

Why is why why?  Why isn't why x or z?

Why is it so hard to blog with limited Internet access?



HOW COME . . .

How come doctors and heroes take the credit when a life is saved, but say it was "God's Will" when there is death?

How come we would never steal a movie from a DVD store, but think nothing about downloading movies from the Internet?

How come we take makeup seriously?  We know it isn't real. 

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught lying?

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught in a sex scandal?

How come we always say, "Fine" when someone asks us how we are no matter how we really are or what is going on in our lives?

How come taxes aren't considered extortion?

How come the term "terrible tragedy" is used?  Are there tragedies that aren't terrible?

How come it's okay to wear a bathing suit on the beach, but not okay to wear your underwear on the beach?

How come it's so easy to get into trouble, yet not so easy to get out of trouble?

How come you are okay when you to talk to God, but not okay when God talks back?

How come I did not end this sooner?

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN PHYSICS . . .

Archimedes' Screw has nothing to do with sex.

It won't be long before Nuclear Physics becomes Oldclear Physics.

Schrodinger's cat somehow escaped from the sealed box, and became an alive or dead quantum mechanic.  As an alive or dead quantum mechanic, Schrodinger's cat repaired alive or dead  particle-accelerating magnetic mousetraps.

The Uncertainty Principle deals with whether a person will get lucky on a date. 

Heinrich Hertz was the first to prove the existence of electromagnetic pain.

The apparent magnitude of the luminosity of Earth may be lost when the Earth's  atoms go on shopping trips in the dark.

If the two types of atoms have different masses, then they end up buying clothes at different stores.

Now that he is dead, Albert Einstein often plays dice with God.  But God still refuses to play dice with the universe.

Quarkio and Leptonette by William Shakeinstein.  It's about two star-crossed subatomic particles that fall in love much to the disapproval of their atoms.

Menopausal female physicists frequently have bursts of thermodynamic energy. 

Truth is stranger than physics because you read it on the Internet.  

(This picture has nothing to do with this blog, and is posted here for no reason.)

EXCUSES FOR NOT ALWAYS GETTING ONLINE TO BLOG . . .

A pipe burst in my laptop and I could not get hold of a plumber.

I got stuck in The Twilight Zone buying and selling "unreal" estate.

I fell into a black hole and then a wormhole, and was almost eaten by a giant robin.

Aliens messed with my memory and . . . I could not get hold of an architect.

The world ended and public transit was slow.

The dog ate my Internet connection.

I lost my aluminum hat which protects me from alien and computer radiation.

I was in Germany eating vegetables.

I helped Sir Onion rescue Lady Hamand Cheese from a fire-breathing sandwich.

Being online interferes with my Procrastinators Anonymous meetings.