"Did You Have A Nice . . . ?"

When you travel anywhere, someone will always ask, "Did you have a nice trip?"  This does not happen when you travel by public transit in Toronto (TTC).  Travel anywhere via TTC, and someone will ask, 

"Did you have a nice delay?"

"Yes, it was wonderful!  We sat in a subway tunnel for 17 minutes.  The packed subway allowed us to feel really close to each other.  We enjoyed hearing the TTC announcer repeat, a gazillion times, how sorry the TTC was for any inconvenience the delay may cause."

Why Didn't The World End?

As you know, the world was supposed to end on Saturday September 23, 2017.  What happened?  

Here are some explanations:

- The Apocalypse crossed the road, to get to Earth, and got hit by a comet.

- A dog ate The Apocalypse's GPS.

- The Apocalypse walked into a bar and had to be hospitalized.

- The Apocalypse formed a rock band with some zombies and is out on a concert tour.

- The Apocalypse got sidetracked changing the light bulbs in the Universe's Dark Matter.

- The Apocalypse just washed its disaster and can't do a thing with it.

- The Apocalypse is still kneeling even though the National Anthem is over.

- The Apocalypse got laid off and is somewhere collecting unemployment insurance. 

- The Apocalypse drove here and will destroy the Earth as soon as it finds a place to park.

- The Apocalypse did not drive here, and is still stuck on Toronto public transit.  It will arrive any millennium now.

The End Of The World?

The world is supposed to end tomorrow, Saturday September 23.  If it does, then . . . 


"Attention TTC Customers:  We are currently experiencing delays due to the end of the world. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to have service back to normal soon.  We thank you for your patience." 

Eternity walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Gosh, it seems like forever since you've been here."
"I know," said Eternity, "I thought I'd come back and hang around in case the world ends.  This bar is as good a place as any."
"What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
And Eternity said, "An ending for this blog, thanks."

ATTENTION TTC CUSTOMERS

ATTENTION TTC CUSTOMERS:

We are currently experiencing delays everywhere.
We apologize for the inconvenience, but we are not sincere.  Individually, none of us is sorry or really cares.

THANK YOU FOR USING THE TTC.*

*Toronto Transit Commission

Reasons For Toronto Public Library's Internet Outage

The Toronto Public Library had no Internet on Wednesday, August 23.  Here are possible reasons:


- The library's Internet booked off sick with a virus. 

- The library's Internet got caught in a world wide web.

- A dog ate the library's network.

- The library's IP address got stuck in a urinal.

- The library washed its Internet and couldn't do a thing with it.

- The library's Internet traveled by TTC (Toronto's public transit).

- Aliens abducted the library's Internet and kept it a long time because they had trouble finding the Internet's anus.

- The library's Internet was not down, but tested a Halloween costume by dressing up as a zero.

- The library's Internet got confused doing its homework using the Dewey Decimal System.

And finally . . . 

Donald Trump.  We can always blame Donald Trump.

SOME SIGNS THAT MAKE ME THINK . . .

 

What a great deal!  Five dollars every two weeks to belong to a gym? 

What's that under the EVERY TWO WEEKS?  

+JOINING FEE  & TAXES.      Hmmm . . . 

I can understand the New Look and Fresh Content, but do newspapers today need More Entertainment?

Are there any places that sell Stale Donuts?  Why would you need a sign to say that you sell fresh donuts? 

Also, I always thought that doughnuts was how to spell doughnuts.   I see donuts and think doonuts which I suspect is a sexually transmitted disease.

This sign is on all  garbage cans on The Toronto Transit Commission's (TTC) property.  That means all the garbage cans in all bus and subway stations have this sign.  Ride the Rocket is symbolically saying, "Take the TTC."  Why do you need a sign on a garbage can, on TTC property, telling people to take the TTC?  If people see the garbage can, then they are already riding the rocket. 

Also, do we need a sign on a garbage can telling us that Toronto is clean and beautiful?  Does Toronto need its good qualities advertised on garbage cans?

Some of the pencil containers at the North York Central Library have a sign that says, Please Do Not Remove Pencils.

Aren't the pencils for public use?   Are the pencil containers with this sign really art exhibits with the pencils playing a key role?

PERFECT HEALTH AND IMMORTALITY

Imagine if suddenly we never got sick and lived forever.  How wonderful that would be--at least for us.  Think about the consequences perfect health and immortality would bring.

We have perfect health and never get sick.  No need for doctors, nurses, hospitals, drug companies, pharmacists, chiropractors and other health practitioners.  

We live forever.  No need for funeral directors, body removal services, grave diggers, cemeteries, and other people who make their money from death.

What would all these unemployed people do?  They would become experts on being jobless, but could they make money at it? 

What about the population?  No one dies and more babies are born.  If there wasn't birth control, then Earth would become like Toronto's public transit system where people stand on other people's shoulders because all the seats are taken.

As much as doctors, nurses, funeral directors, et al., may show concern, unconsciously they want all of us to get sick and die.  

ON SUICIDE

Is traveling public transit in Toronto that bad that the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) has to put up so many signs about the suicide hotline?  Would there be time to think about suicide if the vehicles were on schedule?

Did you know that suicide is the leading cause of premature death?  Really?  Suicide causes premature death?  How is that possible?   Wow!

http://www.torontosun.com/2014/11/14/suicide-leading-cause-of-premature-death-in-toronto-report

Will the Toronto Board of Health pay me to write a report showing how suicide is hazardous to your health?

***

Is there a chance for promotion when you are a suicide bomber?  How about job sharing?  Can suicide bombers job-share?

***

The reason governments have laws against suicide?  Suicide means the loss of a taxpayer.  (And governments are against abortion because it's the loss of a potential taxpayer.)

*** 

The most effective way to prevent people from committing suicide is to kill them.

THE END

(No pun intended) 

THE THINGS YOU SEE ON THE SUBWAY

It is afternoon rush hour in Toronto.  I get on the northbound Yonge Subway at Eglinton Avenue.  All the seats are taken, but it is not that crowded leaving some room for living between those of us who are standing.

Across from me, also standing, is a nice-looking blonde woman.  She is wearing a pink parka and blue jeans.  She is holding an almost-full bottle of water upright near her mouth.  The cap is on the bottle.  She starts running her tongue up and down the bottle.  Then she starts kissing and sucking the bottle.  

I was going to make some smart-ass comment, but she looked as if she was missing some batteries from her vibrator.  Past experience has taught me that crazy people do not take kindly to smart-ass comments.  I kept my mouth shut.

The women around us pretended not to notice what was going on.  They either looked in every other direction away from the subway porn star, or they buried they eyes deep in their books and magazines.

We men did no pretending.  When we weren’t watching the performance, we looked at each other and laughed with our eyes.

The subway porn star only performed for one stop.  She got off at Lawrence Avenue taking her happy water bottle with her.

What would come over a woman to start licking, kissing and sucking a bottle of water?  Was she practicing asking her boss for a raise?

AN ARGUMENT WITH A GARBAGE CAN

Imagine having an argument with a garbage can?   It took place on the westbound platform of the Bathurst Street Subway station in Toronto just the other day.

The gentleman--and I use the word "gentleman" loosely--screamed and kicked at a can on the subway platform.  He looked about 25 years old.  His clothes were designed by Calvin Pig and Yves St. La Moth.  Obviously the gentleman's barber had died sometime during the 19th century.  I could not tell how old the garbage can was, but I suspect it was a little younger than the gentleman.

Reality would not allow me to hear what the garbage can was saying.  Whatever it was, the garbage can kept interrupting the gentleman.  His words were hard to understand, but several times he told the garbage can, "Shut the fuck up!  Shut the fuck up!  Don't interrupt me!  Shut the fuck up!"  And then he would kick it some more while shouting.

The arrival of the westbound subway train brought the argument to an end.  The garbage can looked relieved.  

"I don't want anymore fuckin' nonsense from you!  Ya hear?" the gentleman said.  And he kicked the garbage can one final time before boarding the train.