Something Offensive for Easter

"Why did the cross cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because Jesus crossed the road."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Judas?"

"Judas who?"

"Judas Iscariot."

"I'll let you in, but don't you dare kiss me."

Jesus walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What?  Is it the end of the world?"

"No," said Jesus.  "Could I use the phone.  I want to call someone to go to my tomb and pick up the eggs the Easter Bunny left for me."

All About Aliens

"Why did the alien cross the road?"
"Why?"
"His flying saucer was in for repairs."


An alien walked into a bar and the bartender said,"You're new around here.  Where are you from?"
And the alien said, "Planet Apathy in a galaxy far far away."
"Welcome to Earth," said the bartender.  "What will it be?"
And the alien said, "Oh, I don't care."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Alien."

"Alien who?"

"Alien Five, a sequel."

"How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"I don't know.  That's why I asked you."

Reasons For Toronto Public Library's Internet Outage

The Toronto Public Library had no Internet on Wednesday, August 23.  Here are possible reasons:


- The library's Internet booked off sick with a virus. 

- The library's Internet got caught in a world wide web.

- A dog ate the library's network.

- The library's IP address got stuck in a urinal.

- The library washed its Internet and couldn't do a thing with it.

- The library's Internet traveled by TTC (Toronto's public transit).

- Aliens abducted the library's Internet and kept it a long time because they had trouble finding the Internet's anus.

- The library's Internet was not down, but tested a Halloween costume by dressing up as a zero.

- The library's Internet got confused doing its homework using the Dewey Decimal System.

And finally . . . 

Donald Trump.  We can always blame Donald Trump.

Not All About Junk

Junk walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And Junk said, "Can you bring me something old or discarded that's now useless and of little value?"
"Why do you want that?" asked the bartender.
And Junk said, "I just can't get enough of myself."


Junk wanted to cross the road, but all it did was dross the road.

 "Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Junk."

"Junk who?"

"Just Junk."

"Just Junk?  Do you know Only Rubbish?"

"Has anyone seen President Donald Trump's birth certificate?  How do we know that he wasn't born in Russia?"

"Why are you talking politics in a blog about junk?"

"This blog is Not All About Junk."

"How much junk does it take to complete a blog?"

"I don't know."

"This much."

Reasons For False Alarms

Why are there so many false fire alarms? Here some reasons you won't find written on the inside of a matchbox:


- Fire alarms are creative and need to express themselves no matter what.


- Aliens from Pyro feed off the vibrations of fire alarms.  They set off fire alarms just to get something to eat.


- The ghost of Jim Morrison walks through Doors to light false fires. (Sometimes he asks for help to light his false fires.)


- Bored building security guards will trip the alarm to give themselves something to do.


- President Donald Trump and the Russians set off fire alarms in an attempt to detract from other news.


- Former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper goes around setting off fire alarms. He has not been in the news lately and should be blamed for something.


- Some funny bone guy sets off fire alarms to give himself something to blog about.

The Possible Secrets Donald Trump Told Russia

"Psst!  Hey Russia . . . "

"Hillary and Barack are lesbian lovers."


"I'm bald.  I wear a big blond rat hat."


"I am broke, but I have a great credit rating."


"The media loves me, but has an odd way of showing it."


"Melania makes me sit down to pee."


"I'm a Muslim.  Shhhhh."


"I turned away ugly aliens for the Miss Universe Pageant."


"I got aroused when I saw pictures of  Vlad with no shirt on." 


"I'll tell you my Foreign Policy if you tell me yours."

What Are They Doing?

These dolphins are farting water

This member of the Pointed Head Society (PHS) is doing some stretching exercises before the weekly meeting.  Members of PHS are not allowed to show their pointed heads at meetings.  No one knows the reason for this rule.

This man is trying to remain positive about being constipated.

This lady and man are preparing to make a mistake.

This bull is wondering whether politicians will ever stop buying the stuff it produces.

This man is wondering how many more promises he can break.

This man is happy he found the end of this blog

What Did They Say?

"You sure have a funny way of flirting," said President Trump to Rosie O'Donnell.


"Looks like your in trouble," said the spider to the fly.


"There's someone in the house!" said one ghost to another.


"Midnight, on the bridge.  Come alone," said Vladimir to Donald.


"Don't be scared.  I just want to talk to you," said Iceberg to Titanic.


"I'm in the wrong job.  I hate loud music," said the rock star's speaker to the stage.



"Does Joseph know about the baby," said God to Mary.


"Will anyone suspect that we're having an affair?" said Rosie O'Donnell to President Trump.


"Slow day for ideas?" said a voice in the funny bone technician's head.

Headlines

MOTHER NATURE GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP CONVERTS TO ISLAM AND BANS HIMSELF FROM U.S.

HOLLYWOOD ACTORS FIGHT AMONGST THEMSELVES STARTING NEW STAR WARS

DERMATOLOGIST SKINNED ALIVE BY SAVAGES

GALLON OF GAS WORTH MORE THAN OUNCE OF GOLD

BEAR CHARGED WITH HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENCE

STANLEY KUBRICK NEVER EXISTED AND WAS FAKED BY MOON

SEAT BELT SAVES STOCK MARKET IN CRASH

NUCLEAR BOMB EXPLODES IN APATHY LAND AND NO ONE CARES

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN STOPS BLOG TO PUT OUT MOTHER NATURE'S HOT FLASHES

WHO KILLED JFK?

On Friday November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy had his plans ruined for the day.  Who ruined JFK's plans?  Here are some theories:


Jackie Kennedy hired Donal Trump to kill her husband after JFK took out a life insurance policy.  Trump used the money to build a financial empire.


John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.  On April 14, 1865, Booth fell into a black hole which sent him to November 22, 1963.  A confused Booth shot Kennedy thinking that Kennedy was Lincoln.


Bill Cosby killed killed Kennedy.  Cosby was angry at Kennedy for sleeping with Cosby's girlfriends. 



Barack Obama killed Kennedy because JFK took Obama's birth certificate.


Aldolphus J. Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy.  Klinkenbroomer was a loner and a loser who failed at everything he did.  Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy to become famous.


Hillary Clinton killed JFK.  Wikileaks will release e-mails explaining why.


To get out of a loveless marriage, JFK shot himself.  To make it look as if someone else shot him, JFK skillfully used mirrors, duct tape and Silly Putty.


No one killed JFK.  Kennedy never existed.  You don't exist.  This blog does not exist.  The whole Universe is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

HALLOWEEN? THAT'S NOT FUNNY

 

"What do they give out at brothels for Halloween?"

"What?"

"Tricks only because the trick is the treat."

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It didn't.  Pumpkins don't have legs."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "How did you get in here?  Pumpkins don't  have legs,"

But the pumpkin couldn't answer because pumpkins can't talk.  And the pumpkin couldn't order a drink because pumpkins can't talk.  So the pumpkin sat there for a bit, and then got up and walked out.  And the bartender made a mental note not to do drugs anymore.

 

I want to dress up as an honest politician, but I can't find a costume.

For Halloween, will Hillary Clinton dress up as a woman?

For Halloween, will Donald Trump dress up as a gentleman? 

Would I have to wear a costume if I dressed up as a jerk?

Is it true that Halloween was started by The International Association of Dentists?

ON BAD HAIR DAYS

"How does a bald man have a bad hair day?"
"I don't know.  How?"
"He doesn't."


BREAKING NEWS:  GANG OF RABBITS ROB SEVERAL BANKS. POLICE SAY IT'S A BAD HARE DAY.


Does having a bad hair day only include the hair on your head?


"How can you tell whether a clown is having a bad hair day?"
"I don't know.  How."
"You ask him."


"Why don't chairs have bad hair days?"
"I'll bite, why?"
"Because chairs don't have hair."

WHAT DO CLOUDS THINK?

Thoughts of various clouds:

Is water 100% wet?

I'm getting fat and puffy.  Should I cut back on my water vapor?

Will Donald Clump become president of the United Skies?

They should charge pilots with trespassing!

I believe in the holy words of The Cloudel.  The sky would be a better place if every cloud read and followed The Cloudel.

What happens after we disperse?

Frank O'Grady has a lot of nerve going to Earth.  Our place is in the sky.

I had it a minute ago!  Where the hell did I put my silver lining?

QUOTES NEVER SAID . . .

"I want to end the world, but there's no point.  Humans are so distracted with their smartphones, texting and Internet that they'd never notice."

                                          - God

"How wonderful!  I get credit for the evil people do, and they think it's me!"

                                                                                                   - Satan

"I hope humans and their innards are around forever."

                                       - Cancer

"Is that a person, or is it only the sunlight reflecting off shiny flies?"

                                - A Flying Saucer 

"I have waaay too much money.  I wish I had less."

                      - A Single Mother of Six 

"What?  What did you say?"

                          - Vincent Van Gogh 

"Gosh, it doesn't take much to get them all worked up."

                            - Donald Trump 

 

                               - Porky Pig

ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID? OR THEY SAID WHAT? II

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS . . .

What do you get when you cross . . . 

- A turtle with a house?
  A turtle with a huge shell, or a house that crawls.

- Donald Trump with Barack Obama?
  A confused presidential candidate.

- A street with your legs?
  The other side.

- A table with a chair?
   A spider.  (Salvador Dali told me this joke.  I don't get it.  Do you?)

- Climate change with money?
   Weather in your wallet.  

- A cross a cross with a question mark?
   A religion called Why?

-  A depressed bear with an ecstatic bear?
   A bipolar bear. 

- Null and void?