Something Offensive for Easter

"Why did the cross cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because Jesus crossed the road."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Judas?"

"Judas who?"

"Judas Iscariot."

"I'll let you in, but don't you dare kiss me."

Jesus walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What?  Is it the end of the world?"

"No," said Jesus.  "Could I use the phone.  I want to call someone to go to my tomb and pick up the eggs the Easter Bunny left for me."

OTHER EXPLANATIONS FOR EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF RELATIVITY

Albert Einstein died Monday April 18, 1955.  Relatively speaking, he is dead.

Here are some other explanations for 

Eggs equals Mess if you Crack them twice.


Eagerness equals Much Crack taken twice.


Edginess equals Many Cranky two-year olds.


Easter equals Making Christ live twice.


Eczema equals Meditating on Crabs squared.


Embarrassment equals Making Crazy blogs more than twice.


Endings equals Magnificent Curtains squared or joined signalling The Show Is Over!

 

THESE THINGS TALK?

"It's not fair!  The Friday before Easter gets called Good Friday, the Sunday is Easter Sunday, and the Monday after Easter is Easter Monday.  Nothing special about me, the Saturday before Easter.  Don't I deserve some special title other than Saturday?

 "Some have tried calling me Easter Eve, Holy Saturday, and Great Saturday, but these names never stuck.  I do not want to be called Good Saturday because that name belongs to Friday.  Easter Saturday is the Saturday following Easter and not me.

"Sacred Saturday has a nice sound to it.  How about it, people?  How about calling the Saturday before Easter Sacred Saturday?"

***

"I am Advertising.  I come at you in all forms.  My goal is to convince you to part with your money because doing so will make you happy.  I can't believe how some of you buy the stuff I say about things.  Do you really think things can make you happy?"

***

"I am Pizza.  Often I get cheesed off at you people for no reason in particular.  Just thought I'd tell you that."

***

 "As Tire, I often get tired.  But things go around and my fatigue rolls away."

***

"I am Hearing Aid . . .   What?  Speak up!  I can't hear you."

***

"How frustrating!  I want to  come out, but I don't know how.  I am Closet.  How does a closet come out?"

***

"I am Road.  I'm glad people cross me because it protects me from vampires."

***

I am Stone.  There is nothing more to say today, this Sacred Saturday.

 

FOUR PICTURES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS

 

 



 

THE DAY BEFORE EASTER

Twas the day before Easter and all through the tomb
Not a creature was stirring in that cold dark room.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
The above line is not supposed to be there.

Jesus was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of wooden crosses danced in his head.
Mary in her 'kerchief, and Joseph in his cap
Were wishing and hoping their son would come back.

  

 

Once again, this was Good for me.  Was it Good for you?

GOOD? FRIDAY

As a kid I thought, "Why do they call this Good Friday?  How was it good for Jesus?"  I did not know about the various theories stating that Good may have come from Good meaning God or Holy. 

It was Good Friday was good for Jesus -- if he was a masochist.

It was Good Friday for the vendors who sold pizza, peanuts, popcorn, potato chips, pop and beer to the crowds that gathered to watch Jesus on parade, and then attend the Crucifixion.

It was Good Friday for the Roman Centurions who racked up the overtime.

So, we have Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  What about Saturday?  How come Saturday doesn't get to enhance its name at Easter.  How about Good Saturday?  Sad Saturday?  Easter Eve?  Hurry-Up-Tomorrow Saturday? 

This was Good for me.  Was it Good for you?

THINGS I NEVER UNDERSTOOD AS A CHILD AND STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND

My parents bought me a blazer for Sunday school.  My mother yelled at me for putting stuff in the front pockets.  "You're not supposed to put anything in those pockets.  They are just for show," she said.  What's the point of having pockets if you can't put anything in them?

They told me in Sunday school that Jesus died for my sins.  How could he have died for my sins when I wasn't alive two thousand years ago?

And that's the other thing.  They told me that Jesus did not die; that  he rose from the dead and is alive today.  So why did they tell me that he died for my sins when he did not die and is alive today?

If people close to us suffer from some life-threatening illness and are so close to death,  do we dwell on their suffering if they are cured?  No, we celebrate.  We enjoy our time with them and forget about their suffering.  So, why all the fuss and drama on Good Friday?  Why dwell on Jesus' suffering and death on the cross?  It's over!  He rose from the dead!  Why wait until Easter Sunday to celebrate?

If God is all-powerful, then how come He loses battles with Satan?

People have tried to explain all these things to me, but I still don't get it?

MORE PICTURES NOT AT AN EXHIBITION