A LETTER TO MAKE IT FAIR

Dear Satan,

     I wrote a letter to God yesterday.  I thought I better write one to you so you won't complain about being treated unfairly.

      Hell must be a popular place.  People are always telling me to go there.  But I never believed in Hell until I got married.  My wife was religious, and she showed me that Hell exists.  

     I often wonder whether my marriage was made in the place you rule.  Do you know anything about that?

     Wherever my marriage was made, it did not last.  Was this the result of cheap, unskilled foreign labor?  It doesn't matter.  It's a blessing my marriage did not last because my poor wife did not deserve me: she was perfect and I wasn't.

     I'm sorry to go on about my marriage, but I can't help thinking about it when I think of Hell.

     Have you ever been commended for your charisma?  There's God, The Almighty, The Creator, The Ruler of the Universe, and hardly anyone listens to him.  But there you are not as powerful as God, and almost everyone listens to you.  What's your secret?  A better understanding of human nature than God's?

     I'm going to stop now.  All this letter-writing is tiresome.  I'm telling you this to give you a heads up.  My hands will be idle.  Got any ideas?

SATAN LEADER OF HELL

How did Satan get his job?  Did he apply along with other devils?  Did he see an ad in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper?

WANTED:  Self-motivated, disciplined being with leadership skills to run a place of torment and punishment in the afterlife.  Previous experience an asset but not necessary.  Base salary plus commission on souls collected.  Send resumès to The Creator of the Universe . . . 

What about the interview for this job?  Did God conduct it, or did he delegate it?

How about the devils who applied and did not get the job?  How did they feel reading the rejection letter?

Dear One of a Million Devils,

Thank you for your interest in Hell.  We have reviewed your resumè and were most impressed with your skills and qualifications.  Unfortunately we cannot offer you this job because another candidate's qualifications better suited our needs.  

We appreciate your interest in Hell, and wish you every success in finding a job in another universe.

Sincerely,

Archangel Michael

Satan's job must have good benefits and a good pension.  If it didn't, then why would he keep it forever?

WHAT IF I HAD A WEEK TO LIVE?

What would I do if I had a week to live?  I would give away my prized collection of roll-on deodorant balls.  I am not sure to whom.

On the day before I was to die, I would get a haircut and make sure I was well groomed.  Then I would dress up in the ugliest, polyester suit I have, with an ugly shirt and tie, and drink lots of alcohol.  I want to be the worst dressed person at my funeral, and well preserved.

That way the undertaker would not have to dress or embalm me and my funeral would cost less.  The money I saved would be put towards a down payment on a cloud just inside the pearly gates.

How do I know that I am going to Heaven?  Satan sent God a petition signed by the billions and billions residents of Hell stating that they don't want me there.  I don't know why and don't care.

A SHORT STORY

Once upon a time there was a woman named Agnes.  No one would go out with Agnes because she was so ugly.

(How ugly was she?

 She was so ugly that the moon ran away when she howled at it.)

Poor Agnes wanted to go out on dates and eventually get married.  But no one wanted anything to do with her.  As a last resort, Agnes made a deal with the devil.  She agreed to give Satan her soul if he would make her beautiful.

"No problem," said Satan.  "When you wake up tomorrow you will be beautiful.  Everyone will want to be with you."

Agnes was so excited she found it hard to fall asleep.  "Wow," she thought, "I'm going to be beautiful!"

The next day Agnes got up early and looked in the mirror.  She looked the same!  Nothing had changed.  She immediately summoned Satan.

"I trusted you!" she said.  "You promised to make me beautiful and I still look the same."

"That's true," said Satan.  "I did not change your appearance, but check your bank account."

Agnes checked her bank account.  It contained over 3 billion dollars!  Within a short time Agnes was going out on many, many dates.  She ended up marrying her bank manager.  They lived abundantly ever after.

THE AND 

(Pun intended)

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

DATING TIPS

Never date people who shave their teeth.

Never date anyone named Satan or Satania. 

Never date invisible people.  They will disappear on you.

Never date dead people.  They are stiff and smell.

Date superheroes if you don't mind having your date interrupted, or cancelled, because they have to leave to save the world. 

Date people at work only if it will advance your career.

Sex on a first date?  It is up to you, but only if your date produces a doctor's certificate stating that your date is sexually-transmitted-disease free. (STD Free)

 

THINGS I NEVER UNDERSTOOD AS A CHILD AND STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND

My parents bought me a blazer for Sunday school.  My mother yelled at me for putting stuff in the front pockets.  "You're not supposed to put anything in those pockets.  They are just for show," she said.  What's the point of having pockets if you can't put anything in them?

They told me in Sunday school that Jesus died for my sins.  How could he have died for my sins when I wasn't alive two thousand years ago?

And that's the other thing.  They told me that Jesus did not die; that  he rose from the dead and is alive today.  So why did they tell me that he died for my sins when he did not die and is alive today?

If people close to us suffer from some life-threatening illness and are so close to death,  do we dwell on their suffering if they are cured?  No, we celebrate.  We enjoy our time with them and forget about their suffering.  So, why all the fuss and drama on Good Friday?  Why dwell on Jesus' suffering and death on the cross?  It's over!  He rose from the dead!  Why wait until Easter Sunday to celebrate?

If God is all-powerful, then how come He loses battles with Satan?

People have tried to explain all these things to me, but I still don't get it?