DEAR DIARY . . .

This morning, when I woke up, I was breathing.  I took this as a good sign to get out of bed.  One day I will wake up, and I won't be breathing.  It will be harder to get out of bed when that happens, but I won't let it hold me back.

Except for the earthquake, the bus ride to work was uneventful.  The ride took a little longer because the bus driver had to detour around the cracked roads.  I had left in lots of time and was not late for work.

 

Earthquakes have no consideration.  They show up without calling first, and cause people to suddenly change their plans.  How rude!  When will earthquakes be more mindful of people's feelings?

I thought that I was going to have to work overtime.  Three workers in my department committed suicide.  They jumped out of the twenty-fourth floor window. They were defrauding the company, and made a suicide pact if they got caught.

The police showed up after lunch, but were not investigating the fraud.  The police came to serve a subpoena on a co-worker who had witnessed an accident.  The police knew nothing about the fraud.  Neither did we until we read the suicide note.  The final line of the note read, "You'll never charge us now."

I was glad that my boss didn't make me stay to complete the work the fraudsters left unfinished.  Maybe another earthquake will visit my workplace tonight, and I'll be able to take tomorrow off as an Earthquake Day.  Then I'll worry about working overtime later when things get back to abnormal.

That's it for now, Diary.  I'm sorry I did not have a more exciting day to report.

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

Hmmm . . .

Can police charge a battery with assault?

Where are the dayclubs?

Is it still considered traveling when you go crazy?

How come you never see pop stars in cans or bottles?

Would dinosaurs still be extinct if they had used deodorant?

Do prisoners get periods at the ends of their sentences?

How come people who are out of their minds still think that they are in their minds? 

Does B.Y.O.B. on an invitation to a zombie party mean Bring Your Own Brains?

 

Are we done yet? 

"No, just one more picture and that will be it."

Promise?

"Promise."

 

ST. PATRICK'S DAY NEWS

Why did St. Patrick chase the snakes out of Ireland?  They were about to expose him as a snake molester.  Several snakes have come forward claiming that St. Patrick sexually assaulted them.  He forced them to leave Ireland when they threatened to report what he had done.  

Harry Barry O'Halloran, St. Patrick's lawyer, said that the allegations were "one hundred percent absolutely entirely completely no-doubt-about-it false."  Police are investigating and no charges have been laid.  O'Halloran said that these allegations should not stop people from celebrating and enjoying St. Patrick's Day.

A COURT SCENE

"Would the accused please rise?" said the court clerk.

Gary Johnston stands in the prisoner docket.

The clerk continues, "You, Gary Johnston, on or about the 28th day of February, in the year 2015, did unlawfully write a blog that was not funny contrary to The Funny Bone Blog Act, Section 7, subsection 3.  How do you plead, guilty, or not guilty?"

"Guilty with an explanation," said Gary Johnston.

"What are the facts?" said the judge to the prosecutor.

"Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "Gary Johnston calls himself a funny bone technician and has a blog with that title.
"On February 28, 2015, Gary Johnston wrote a blog about some silly court scene.  The blog was not funny.  No one laughed while reading it.  The blog police, while on patrol, happened to see Gary Johnston's blog.  They arrested him for contravening The Funny Bone Blog Act.  
"These are the facts in this case, Your Honor."

"Are these facts substantially correct, Mr. Johnston?" asked the judge?

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Then I accept your guilty plea," said the judge.  "You said you have an explanation?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Go ahead."

"Well, Your Honor, I thought my blog was funny.  It made me laugh -- not out loud, but I chuckled and smiled a bit.  I had no idea that it was not funny.  I was surprised when the police arrested me."

"Is that it?" asked the judge.

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Before I pass sentence," said the judge, "what exactly is a funny bone technician?"

"Well, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston, "it's my term for what I do.  I do not like the world's terms such as comic writer or comedian; so I gave myself the term funny bone technician.  I like to define myself with my terms rather than the world's terms."

"I see," said the judge.  And then he looked at the prosecutor and said, "Any record?"

"No, Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "this appears to be the first time Gary Johnston has been convicted of not being funny."

"Since you have no previous record," said the judge, "I will not impose a fine or jail time.  You will not be so lucky if I ever see you in my court again.  You are free to go."

"Thank you, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston.  "Thank you."

BREAKING NEWS

MAD COW STORMS MCDONALD'S AND MASSACRES 67 PEOPLE WHILE HAMBURGERS WATCH AND CHEER!

*

PLASTIC SURGEON MELTS - LIGHTS TOO HOT IN OPERATING ROOM

*

HISTORIANS DISCOVER THAT COLUMBUS COULD NOT SIT STILL.

*

POLICE FIND SUSPECT IN DICTIONARY

 (IT WAS BEFORE SUSPEND AND AFTER SUSHI)

*

EIFFEL TOWER LOVES FRENCH FRIES!

*

STONEHENGE ROCKS!

*

VOICES ESCAPE THROUGH HOLE IN HEAD!

* 

VANDALS SMASH GLASS REPORT OF RECENT EVENTS.

HAVE A NICE KUMQUAT!

Kumquat.  I have always loved that word!  I was a teenager the first time I heard the word kumquat.  I had one thing only on my mind.  I thought kumquat was another name for vagina.

I have never had one -- kumquat that is.  I hear a kumquat tastes like a tangerine and lime combined.  Apparently, the edible skin is the sweetest part. 

If you weren't going to eat a kumquat, then what could you do with it?

 

 Glue a bunch together

 And make a kumquat dress

But if the glue does not hold

 Then you have a mess 

Put it on a stand

Pretend it's a TV

Watch it watch it watch it

And see what you can see

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me.  What are you doing?"

"I'm watching kumquat."
"Yeah, I saw it last night.  My favorite part is everything."

"Damn!  Now you ruined it for me."

Use kumquat as a mantra 

Instead of chanting, "Om"

Have a fruity meditation

In the comfort of your home   

 Roses are red

Kumquats are orange

I better stop

before the Bad-Verse Police arrest me for making the world a verse place.

Have a nice kumquat! 

POLICE SAID . . .

The body of a man was found in his home in downtown Toronto.  The man's body had multiple gunshot and stab wounds, and the man's hands were tied behind his back.  Police said that they suspect foul play.


There were only minor injuries and no deaths in a fifty-car pileup on Highway 400.  No charges have been laid, but police are still investigating.  Police said that speed and the laws of physics were factors in the accident.


After months of an intensive undercover investigation, police seized ten tons of bullshit from the Canadian government buildings.  A number of politicians -- too many to mention -- have been charged with possession of bullshit for the purpose of trafficking.  Police called the investigation "Operation Crap Talk."  Police said that this was the biggest bust of bullshit in the history of law enforcement.


An armoured truck lost its load scattering millions of bills, various denominations, all over the street.  Apparently the back door of the truck was not properly secured.  A spokesperson for the armoured-truck company would not say how much money was lost, but an unnamed source said that the amount was over a million dollars.  Police said that anyone finding money should call police and turn it in.


 Police said, "We arrived on the scene of this blog at 16:36 hours, or 4:36 pm, on Sunday March 23, 2014.  We observed many letters forming words which subsequently formed sentences.  We also observed spaces between the words and sentences.  No charges have been laid at this time, but we are still investigating.  We will release further information when it comes available.  Thank you."