ALL ABOUT KANGAROOS

"Why did the kangaroo cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It was on its way to its court."



"How many kangaroos does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?
"I don't know either.  That's why I asked."

"What is a kangaroo's biggest fault?"
"What?"
"Jumping to conclusions."




"What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a blog?"
"I don't know."
"A blog that jumps all over the place."


 

"What did the Moon say to Mars?"
"I don't know.  What?"
"Do you come here often?  What is your sign?  Can I buy you a black hole?"




Is it true that Indigo gets the blues?




Climate change isn't true because it isn't mentioned in The Bible.

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

***

***

Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

***

***

Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

***

BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

***

PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

***

The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

***

A COURT SCENE

"Would the accused please rise?" said the court clerk.

Gary Johnston stands in the prisoner docket.

The clerk continues, "You, Gary Johnston, on or about the 28th day of February, in the year 2015, did unlawfully write a blog that was not funny contrary to The Funny Bone Blog Act, Section 7, subsection 3.  How do you plead, guilty, or not guilty?"

"Guilty with an explanation," said Gary Johnston.

"What are the facts?" said the judge to the prosecutor.

"Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "Gary Johnston calls himself a funny bone technician and has a blog with that title.
"On February 28, 2015, Gary Johnston wrote a blog about some silly court scene.  The blog was not funny.  No one laughed while reading it.  The blog police, while on patrol, happened to see Gary Johnston's blog.  They arrested him for contravening The Funny Bone Blog Act.  
"These are the facts in this case, Your Honor."

"Are these facts substantially correct, Mr. Johnston?" asked the judge?

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Then I accept your guilty plea," said the judge.  "You said you have an explanation?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Go ahead."

"Well, Your Honor, I thought my blog was funny.  It made me laugh -- not out loud, but I chuckled and smiled a bit.  I had no idea that it was not funny.  I was surprised when the police arrested me."

"Is that it?" asked the judge.

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Before I pass sentence," said the judge, "what exactly is a funny bone technician?"

"Well, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston, "it's my term for what I do.  I do not like the world's terms such as comic writer or comedian; so I gave myself the term funny bone technician.  I like to define myself with my terms rather than the world's terms."

"I see," said the judge.  And then he looked at the prosecutor and said, "Any record?"

"No, Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "this appears to be the first time Gary Johnston has been convicted of not being funny."

"Since you have no previous record," said the judge, "I will not impose a fine or jail time.  You will not be so lucky if I ever see you in my court again.  You are free to go."

"Thank you, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston.  "Thank you."

EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

Poor Sybil!  She labored all night building the best web a spider could build.  She used her skills to ensure that it was a perfect spider's web - the best spider's web ever!
Her "perfect" spider's web went down the drain, in the morning, when the Smiths used their bathroom sink.   Location!  Location!  Location!

A bad guy was on his way to a witness' house to ensure that the witness would not testify against the bad guy or his friends.  In the car, with the bad guy, was a bomb to blow up the witness.  No witness.  No evidence.

The bad guy had one of those days when the bomb accidentally went off in his car while he was driving.  Bye Bye bad guy!

How come we never hear a week, a month or a year say, "I'm having one of those days."?  Does that mean that weeks, months or years never have one of those days, or do have them and never complain?

Does God ever have one of those days?  Does God ever get up to find that the Universe is not unfolding as it should, and everything is going wrong?  What does God do when that happens?  Call a life coach?  Call a therapist?  Take antidepressants?  Meditate?  Do affirmations?  What does God do when having one of those days?

One of the ways of dealing with one of those days, is denial . . .