A Prediction

At one time, you could not talk in a library.  Time passed and talking quietly was allowed, but you could not use a cell phone.  Now you can talk as loud as you want, in the library, and there are signs permitting the use of cell phones.

My prediction?  One day I will be reading a book in the library, and someone will approach me and say, "Excuse me, but could you not read that book?  I'm trying to talk on my cell phone."

THREE SIGNS THAT GOT DELAYED BY PUBLIC TRANSIT AND DID NOT MAKE IT TO YESTERDAY'S BLOG

It's okay for me to lean against the doors.  My name is not Danger.

This sign is an optical illusion.  What it really says is, "MAKE NOISE!  TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE!  DISTURB YOUR NEIGHBOURS!"    (I don't see those words, but many people do.)

At three o'clock in the morning, I would love to call up the owner of a business and ask, "Are you really sorry that your business is closed?"

(For now)

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

***

***

Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

***

***

Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

***

BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

***

PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

***

The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

***

SHHHH!

What ever happened to a library being a place of silence?   A stern-looking spinster librarian would  shush!  you if you were breathing too loud.  Now librarians are no longer stern-looking spinsters, and library silence is on display somewhere in a museum.

People must wake up and say, "I think I'll go to the library today and talk on my cell phone.  When not talking on my cell phone, I'll talk and socialize with my friends." 

Signs asking people to be quiet and not use their cell phones are mere decorations.  Sometimes the librarians themselves are gabbing away.  

I love silence.  Where can I find it?  Nowhere?  Outer Space?  I may find it if I went to Nowhere.  I am not confident that I will find silence in Outer Space.  I suspect that should I go to Outer Space, looking for silence, I will find an alien blabbing on his cell phone.

"Yeah, Goink, you're right.  Listen, let me call you back.  I'm just heading to Earth.  I'll call you when I get to a library.  Okay.  Bye."

WHAT DO I KNOW?

What do I know about restaurants?  I always thought that Dairy Queen was a cross-dressing milk farmer.

 I always thought that McDonald's was the home of E, I, E, I, and O.

 I always thought that Starbucks was money from space.


What do I know about books?  I always thought that a library was a place for lies.

I always thought that Nancy Drew was something Nancy did.

I always thought that Shakespeare was an activity for angry savages.


What do I know about exercise?  I always thought that pushups and situps were divisions of U.P.S.

I always thought that yoga was the yellow part of of egg.

I always thought that jogging had something to do with cutting down trees.


What do I know? 

ENOUGH ABOUT ME . . . LET'S TALK ABOUT ME

I am Gary Johnston of Toronto -- not to be confused with Gary Johnston of Toronto.  Except for the hair, eyes, nose, mouth and skin color, I look like Brad Pitt.  

From the time I was little, as far back as I can remember, I always thought, "When I grow up, I want to be bigger."

My hobbies are thinking, thinking about thinking, and thinking about thinking about thinking.  I also enjoy finding the sadness in everyday life.  It is a wasted day if I have not cried at least once.

I was married for several years.  I married because I was in love.  The marriage did not work out.  If I marry again, then it will be for money.  

My political beliefs lie between Peter Pan and Wyatt Earp.

As for my religious beliefs, I wonder whether God believes in me.  If She does, then She has a funny way of showing it.

There is only one thing I hope to do before I die: return my library books.   I do not want overdue fines hanging over my head for Eternity?