WHY DO I WRITE?

Writers have various reasons for writing.  I am not a writer.  (Actually, I lean a little to the left.)  Here are some of the reasons I write.

I write because I am not a tomato.  Tomatoes can't write.  (Often I write in front of tomatoes to make them envy me.)

I write because it is a way of getting in touch with what is not inside me.

I write because I am dizzy.

I write because I change my mind.

I write because I am not dizzy.

I write because my kumquat business failed on Mars, and I have no skills.  

I write because I am good at lying, and reclining as well.  (I love looking at ceilings.)

I write to confuse my thoughts.

I write because I love mixing ink molecules with paper molecules.

I write because the sky is blue.  (I have never understood this reason.)

I write because I like collecting junk.

I write to relax.  (Once relaxed I lie down and look at the ceiling.)

I write to stay insane, but sometimes I stop writi--

EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING THIS BLOG

I am too confused to write.  I feel as if I am a Caitlyn Jenner trapped in a Gary Johnston.  

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I cannot write.  I don't have a writer's licence.

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I am too busy thinking up excuses for not writing.

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My pen ran out of ink and I don't have enough money to buy a refill.

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I am too busy Christmas shopping.  (There are only 201 days left.)

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I am too busy not being on vacation to write.

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The dog ate my ideas.

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Too busy hanging out with my laundry.

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And the final excuse I am not writing this blog?  I have nothing to say.

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

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Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

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"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

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Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

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BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

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PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

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The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

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COMING ATTRACTIONS

POETRY OLYMPICS

This summer come see which poems will take home gold medals during the Poetry Olympics.  Come see such poems as A Dream Within A Dream, Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening, The Charge Of The Light Brigade, I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud and others plus all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets compete in various sports to see which ones are the best. 

July/August (Various times)

Story Stadium

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MOLECULE CELEBRATION!

Come celebrate Molecule culture with the following events:

Molecule Fashion

The Fartwong Museum explores the decorative techniques of Molecule clothing.   

May 4, 7pm

The Fartwong Museum

Introduction To Molecule Music

Hear the sounds of Molecules playing particle pianos, atomic accordions and electron echomuckers.

May 8, 7pm

Molecule Music Museum

Conversations With Dead Molecules

British psychic Bori B. Bagworm will go into a trance and contact the spirits of dead Molecules to see what they have to say.

May 12, 7pm

Seance Swimming Pool

(Bring a bathing suit)  

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 THE WRITERS SPEAK

Come hear the following writers, no one is reading, at the Literary Aardvark Auditorium:

Terry Tarrytoon

How To Be A Failure

June 4, 7pm

John J. Geranium

 The Life And Times of  Harry Houdini's Houseplants  

June 8, 7pm

Kelley Kay Kite

Flying With No Strings

June 12, 7pm

Gail Goofanza

The Idiot's Guide To Stupidity

June 16, 7pm

Kim Miracle

Frozen Hell

June 20, 7pm

Homer

Immortality In A Nutshell

June 31, 7pm

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FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THESE EVENTS GO TO 
www.doesgaryhavenothingbettertodo.com  

FRANKENSTEIN WRITES?

Frankenstein has to have a few shocks before he sits down to write.   That's right, Frankenstein is a writer.  He relies on electricity to get him through.  You might say Frankenstein is a shockaholic.

What has Frankenstein written?

 
To Kill A Shocking Bird

The Electrodes of Wrath

The Catcher In The Fusebox

Gone With The Current

Lord of the Electrons

Electrical Farm

A Portrait of Lightning as a Young Shock

Benjamin and the Kite

Watt and Peace

Of Mice and Plugs

Little Electrons

Great Electrations

The Sun Also Circuits

David Copperwire

Capacitor and Punishment

The Adventures of Huckleberry Circuit Board


Quite a prolific writer that Frankenstein.  And like all writers, he tries to write everyday.  But . . .