THINGS THEY NEVER KNEW

Adam and Eve never knew what is was like to go through puberty, and have pimples.



Noah never knew solitude.

Leonardo Da Vinci never knew why Mona Lisa was almost smiling. 



William Shakespeare never knew how to spell.



Sir Isaac Newton never knew how grateful he should be because watermelons don't grow on trees.



Benjamin Franklin never knew what it is like to pay for electricity.



René Descartes never knew that he could be without thinking.

Charles Dickens never knew that novels could be movies.




Adolph Hitler never knew sanity.

Albert Einstein never knew a good hair stylist.




God never knew what an embarrassment human beings would be before he created Adam and Eve.

INTELLECTUAL HUMOR

"Should I sell my collection of boulders?" asked Sisyphus.  "Will they amount to more than a hill of beans?"


"Why did Albert Einstein cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To visit a Relative."


How I Got From Bored To Bard 
 by William Shakespeare.


"Why did Socrates cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"He was on a special mission from the CIA, and that's all you need to know."


Is it true that Thomas Edison wore diapers, and light bulbs used to change him? 


After he died, Friedrich Nietzsche retracted his statement, "God is dead."


My bank account was the inspiration for Jean Paul Sartre's book,  Being and Nothingness.


"Why did Pythagoras cross the road?"
"Another mission by the CIA?"
"No.  Pythagoras crossed the road to see his pet hypotenuse which he kept in a square on the other two sides."


"Okay, that's enough!  My brain hurts."

HALLOWEEN*

*This blog would have been posted on October 31, but the dog ate my calendar.


"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It had no legs.  It just sat at the side of the road and waited for the next joke.


A pumpkin walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, where did you get the legs?"
The pumpkin says, "They came with this joke."
"Wonderful," says the bartender.  "What will--"
(Sorry, the dog ate the rest of this joke.) 

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb? 

"Just one, but it has to have legs and arms."

 "Knock. Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Trick or treat!"

"Trick or treat who?"

"This isn't a joke.  We want a trick or a treat!"

"Sorry, but the dog ate the tricks and treats."

A big brown hairy monster walks into a bar, and the bartender flees.  And on the subject of fleas, the dog comes out from under the bar and eats the big brown hairy monster.


A witch walks into a bar and the dog says, "What will it be?"
The witch says, "Double, double toil and trouble."
The dog says, "Never mind trying to make this a Shakespearean tragedy.  Order something."
"Since when do dogs talk?" asks the witch.
The dog says, "My voice came with this joke.  Now what will it be?"
But before the witch could answer, the bartender and pumpkin return to the bar. 
"Is the big brown hairy monster gone?" asks the bartender.
"Yup," says the dog, "I ate him.  He tasted better than the calendar, bar joke, and tricks and treats."
"Now what will we do?" asks the pumpkin.
"Let's form a rock band!" says the witch.
So the bartender, witch, dog and pumpkin form a rock band called Halloween.  They tour the world giving sold-out concerts.  And whenever they get a bad review, the dog eats the critic.

 

COMING ATTRACTIONS

POETRY OLYMPICS

This summer come see which poems will take home gold medals during the Poetry Olympics.  Come see such poems as A Dream Within A Dream, Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening, The Charge Of The Light Brigade, I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud and others plus all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets compete in various sports to see which ones are the best. 

July/August (Various times)

Story Stadium

***

MOLECULE CELEBRATION!

Come celebrate Molecule culture with the following events:

Molecule Fashion

The Fartwong Museum explores the decorative techniques of Molecule clothing.   

May 4, 7pm

The Fartwong Museum

Introduction To Molecule Music

Hear the sounds of Molecules playing particle pianos, atomic accordions and electron echomuckers.

May 8, 7pm

Molecule Music Museum

Conversations With Dead Molecules

British psychic Bori B. Bagworm will go into a trance and contact the spirits of dead Molecules to see what they have to say.

May 12, 7pm

Seance Swimming Pool

(Bring a bathing suit)  

***

 THE WRITERS SPEAK

Come hear the following writers, no one is reading, at the Literary Aardvark Auditorium:

Terry Tarrytoon

How To Be A Failure

June 4, 7pm

John J. Geranium

 The Life And Times of  Harry Houdini's Houseplants  

June 8, 7pm

Kelley Kay Kite

Flying With No Strings

June 12, 7pm

Gail Goofanza

The Idiot's Guide To Stupidity

June 16, 7pm

Kim Miracle

Frozen Hell

June 20, 7pm

Homer

Immortality In A Nutshell

June 31, 7pm

***

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THESE EVENTS GO TO 
www.doesgaryhavenothingbettertodo.com  

THINGS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE NEVER SAID

To pee, or not to pee?
That is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind
To use the washroom here, or risk suffering
The slings and arrows of outrageous bladder pains 
Later when a washroom is far away . . . 


Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have great body odor.


If music be hockey, play on -- except if you're the Toronto Maple Leafs.  In that case, methinks you should play golf.
 

This above all; to thine own self be clean.  Have a shower once a day.


Give thy thoughts no tongue; however if you meet a nice
 person then . . . 


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I am a cannibal looking for a light snack.


The course of true love never did run smooth, and there's so many diseases you can get, too.

 

 

If music be the food of love, play on.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.99

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/william_shakespeare.html#DYP5ka6xSpcL0ji3.

THE WINTER BLAHS . . .

I'm tired of weathering fights with Emily Bronte.  (So are Heathcliff and Cathy Earnshaw.)

The Fountainhead froze because it's too cold to count with Monte Cristo.  (His friend Alex Dumas annoys me by always shrugging his atlas.)

I wish Hamlet would make up his mind.  He can't decide whether to shovel my snow, or not to shovel my snow.  (He also can't decide whether to buy slings and arrows with his outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubadours.)

The cold means my huckleberry won't fin, and Mark Twain hasn't the time to fix it.  Says he's too busy painting frozen fences with Tom Sawyer. 

King Lear won't lend me his jet to fly to a warmer climate.  He tells me to reason not the need.

Henry Miller refuses to move the Tropic of Capricorn north so that the Equator becomes the Tropic of Cancer.  Even Portnoy is complaining about this.

As if I don't have enough to do!  Oliver slipped on some ice and twisted his ankle.  Our mutual friend Charlie Dickens is too busy building his bleak house to help me to look after Oliver's cat Copperfield, and Oliver's dog Dorrit.

It's too cold to go to the the lighthouse.  It's too cold to go to the fair at Vanity.  It's too cold to go see Alice in Wonderland. (My friends Virginia Woolf, Bill Thackeray and Lou Carroll are disappointed.)

Gus Flaubert and Georgie Orwell say it's too cold for them to bring me eggs from Madame Ovary's animal farm.

I agree with my neighbor, Gabe Marquez, that cold winters make it seem like one hundred years of solitude.

Would there be winter blahs if Oedipus Rex had created Mother's Day in January?