I Hate . . .

I hate pictures of cabins near a river and mountains. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I hate pictures of cabins near a river and mountains.  




I hate boobs.  You know, the ones working for the government.


I hate golf.  How silly to whack little white balls all over the countryside.


I hate watching other people whack little white balls all over the countryside.


I hate History.  How tiresome to hear History say the same thing over and over again.


I hate parents who kill their children.  (This doesn't include God who drowned all his children except for Noah.)


I hate toilets when they show up at social functions.


I hate paper.  I don't know why, but suspect paper is connected to pictures of cabins near a river and mountains.


I hate dreams that do not come true.


I hate time, but not all the time.


I hate private detectives investigating my privates.


I hate blogs about hate.


And, finally, I hate running out of things to hate.

THINGS THEY NEVER KNEW

Adam and Eve never knew what is was like to go through puberty, and have pimples.



Noah never knew solitude.

Leonardo Da Vinci never knew why Mona Lisa was almost smiling. 



William Shakespeare never knew how to spell.



Sir Isaac Newton never knew how grateful he should be because watermelons don't grow on trees.



Benjamin Franklin never knew what it is like to pay for electricity.



René Descartes never knew that he could be without thinking.

Charles Dickens never knew that novels could be movies.




Adolph Hitler never knew sanity.

Albert Einstein never knew a good hair stylist.




God never knew what an embarrassment human beings would be before he created Adam and Eve.

RAIN WARNING FOR TORONTO AND SOUTHERN ONTARIO . . .

Environment Canada says that we're getting the tail end of Hurricane Patricia.  It will bring us 2 inches (55 mm) of rain within 24 hours.  Is this appropriate?  If Patricia is going to give us a piece of tail, then we should get at least 6 inches (152 mm) of rain if not more.

***

 

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BIBLE:

NOAH LEAVES WIFE FOR RAINSTORM!

Anonymous animal sources report that Noah has left his wife, of 800 years, for a rainstorm.  He met this rainstorm during the flood.   Naamah, Noah's wife, could not reached.   Noah's only comment to the press was, "I had to leave.  My marriage was all washed up."

***

Q:  Why did the rain cross the road?

A:  To make the chicken wet.

***

Q:  How may rainstorms does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  It doesn't matter.  The storm knocked the power out.

***

Q:  What song terrifies a rainstorm?

***

Q:  Do rainstorms ever take showers?

A:  No, they leave them.

***

Q:  What is a great gift for a rainstorm?

A:  A raincoat.

***

SOME BIBLICAL CHARACTERS, A BAR, AND A FLY

God walks into a bar and the bartender says, "My God!  What are you doing here?"

"I've come here for a drink," says God.

"But you're  The Lord, The Creator, The Almighty!" says the bartender.  "You can create anything you want including a drink."

"I know," says God, "but sometimes, for a change, I like someone else to do the work."

***

Noah walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I'm not sure," says Noah.  "I am thirsty."

"Would you like a glass of water?" asks the bartender.

"NO!" 

***

David and Goliath walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

David says, "Champagne!  Champagne!  We're celebrating thousands and thousands of years together."

"You guys have been together for thousands and thousands of years?" asks the bartender.

And Goliath says, "That's right.  The first time I saw him I fell for him."

***

A fly walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What are you doing here?  You're not a biblical character."  He swats the fly, and the fly's life ends along with this blog.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST . . .

The CIA was responsible for the flood that destroyed the world.  They made it appear as if God did it, but it was all CIA.  Noah was saved because he was a paid CIA informant.

The CIA had a machine that controlled the weather.  I am not at liberty to say how I obtained the following conversation:


"It's the weather machine, sir," said the CIA agent.

"What about it?" asked the CIA boss. 

"It's out of control and we don't know why, or how to stop it."

"So?  There will be weather that we can't control until we fix it.  What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, sir, is that soon it will make it rain for forty days and forty nights causing a flood."

"Hmmm . . .   Is Noah still on our payroll?"

"Yes sir." 
     
"Good.  Get him to finish that damn ark he's been farting around with.  Tell him to collect all the animals' DNA and take it the ark.  Tell him we will have a cover story about God destroying the world, etc., etc."

"A cover story about God destroying the world, sir?  Who is going to believe that an all-loving God would kill his children?"

"Don't worry.  If we plant the story in a holy book called The Bible, then a lot of people will believe it."

"Okay, sir, if you say so."

"I take it that we're safe in this building no matter what the weather machine does?"

"Yes sir."  

"Good.  Now go tell Noah to get busy."

"Yes, sir." 


Remember, you read it here first.

A LETTER TO GOD

                                                       

                                                                               TODAY
 Dear God,
      You have done a wonderful job creating everything, but there are few things that I find disturbing.  I hope you won't mind me mentioning them.

 1 -  What were you thinking when you created bed bugs, lice and fleas? 


2 -  If men have to lose their hair, then why not let it fall out from their groins instead of their heads?  Did you choose men's heads because you worried about crotch comb-overs?  

3 -  Weren't you being a little drastic by drowning nearly all of your children because they misbehaved?  

4 -  Wasn't it adultery when you got Mary pregnant while she was still married to Joseph?

I know, I am pushing my luck.   I won't be surprised if a lightening bolt strikes me, and I have to spend eternity with Rob Ford.  After all, you are God and can do whatever you want.  But you gave us brains.  Are we not allowed to think and ask questions?
 

                                                                            Sincerely,
                                                                             Mud*


*My new name now that you have read my letter.