RAIN WARNING FOR TORONTO AND SOUTHERN ONTARIO . . .

Environment Canada says that we're getting the tail end of Hurricane Patricia.  It will bring us 2 inches (55 mm) of rain within 24 hours.  Is this appropriate?  If Patricia is going to give us a piece of tail, then we should get at least 6 inches (152 mm) of rain if not more.

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BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BIBLE:

NOAH LEAVES WIFE FOR RAINSTORM!

Anonymous animal sources report that Noah has left his wife, of 800 years, for a rainstorm.  He met this rainstorm during the flood.   Naamah, Noah's wife, could not reached.   Noah's only comment to the press was, "I had to leave.  My marriage was all washed up."

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Q:  Why did the rain cross the road?

A:  To make the chicken wet.

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Q:  How may rainstorms does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  It doesn't matter.  The storm knocked the power out.

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Q:  What song terrifies a rainstorm?

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Q:  Do rainstorms ever take showers?

A:  No, they leave them.

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Q:  What is a great gift for a rainstorm?

A:  A raincoat.

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IN THE BEGINNING . . .

In the beginning there was me.  I was all there was.  I was all there ever would be.  My wonderful, self-centered existence would have continued forever if God had not ruined it.

For unknown reasons, God created the Heavens and the Earth and the rest of the damn Universe.  I was no longer the center of things.  I was not even close to the center, and nothing revolved around me.

God has a habit of hampering things.  You make plans, and everything is going along fine.  Then God creates a universe, or sends something like a flood or an earthquake, and there's a crimp in your plans.

I have been calling God for eons, but God's secretary says that God is always off somewhere creating other universes.  

Other universes?  God creating other universes?  How comforting to know that I am not the only one who is no longer self-centered.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST . . .

The CIA was responsible for the flood that destroyed the world.  They made it appear as if God did it, but it was all CIA.  Noah was saved because he was a paid CIA informant.

The CIA had a machine that controlled the weather.  I am not at liberty to say how I obtained the following conversation:


"It's the weather machine, sir," said the CIA agent.

"What about it?" asked the CIA boss. 

"It's out of control and we don't know why, or how to stop it."

"So?  There will be weather that we can't control until we fix it.  What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, sir, is that soon it will make it rain for forty days and forty nights causing a flood."

"Hmmm . . .   Is Noah still on our payroll?"

"Yes sir." 
     
"Good.  Get him to finish that damn ark he's been farting around with.  Tell him to collect all the animals' DNA and take it the ark.  Tell him we will have a cover story about God destroying the world, etc., etc."

"A cover story about God destroying the world, sir?  Who is going to believe that an all-loving God would kill his children?"

"Don't worry.  If we plant the story in a holy book called The Bible, then a lot of people will believe it."

"Okay, sir, if you say so."

"I take it that we're safe in this building no matter what the weather machine does?"

"Yes sir."  

"Good.  Now go tell Noah to get busy."

"Yes, sir." 


Remember, you read it here first.

A LETTER TO GOD

                                                       

                                                                               TODAY
 Dear God,
      You have done a wonderful job creating everything, but there are few things that I find disturbing.  I hope you won't mind me mentioning them.

 1 -  What were you thinking when you created bed bugs, lice and fleas? 


2 -  If men have to lose their hair, then why not let it fall out from their groins instead of their heads?  Did you choose men's heads because you worried about crotch comb-overs?  

3 -  Weren't you being a little drastic by drowning nearly all of your children because they misbehaved?  

4 -  Wasn't it adultery when you got Mary pregnant while she was still married to Joseph?

I know, I am pushing my luck.   I won't be surprised if a lightening bolt strikes me, and I have to spend eternity with Rob Ford.  After all, you are God and can do whatever you want.  But you gave us brains.  Are we not allowed to think and ask questions?
 

                                                                            Sincerely,
                                                                             Mud*


*My new name now that you have read my letter.