Some of Life's Questions . . .

Who invented life?  God?  If so, then was it an original idea or did he steal it from somewhere?


Why are we born naked?


Do babies produce anything else besides poop and pee?


Why do children ask so many questions?


Is there a relationship between teenage years and the terrible twos?


Is it possible to go through puberty and still maintain a platonic relationship with your hands?


Why do we pretend to like jobs we hate?
 

If money cannot buy happiness, then what will?


Do bowels ever move and not leave a forwarding address?


How come Life never asks us what we mean?


Does falling in hate only happen after people marry?


Why do most people wait until we die before they say nice things about us?


How does God run the Universe without a cell phone or computer?


Who invented death?  God?  If so, then was it an original idea or did he steal it from somewhere?

All About Critics

"Why did the critic cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To find something wrong with the other side."


"How many critics does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Three.  One to change the bulb and the other two to criticize the process."


A critic walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And the critic said, "Did you have to ask me that way?"
"What was wrong with the way I asked?" said the bartender.
And the critic said,"Nothing, but you didn't have to ask me that way."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"A critic."

"A critic who?"

"Your door needs painting."

"Do you see anything wrong with The End?"
"Yeah.  Look how the curtains cover part of the T in The and the D in End."
"You're right."
"What a failure this funny bone guy is.  He can't even get The End right."
"Okay, we're finished here.  Let's go somewhere else where we will find something wrong."

I Hate . . .

I hate pictures of cabins near a river and mountains. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I hate pictures of cabins near a river and mountains.  




I hate boobs.  You know, the ones working for the government.


I hate golf.  How silly to whack little white balls all over the countryside.


I hate watching other people whack little white balls all over the countryside.


I hate History.  How tiresome to hear History say the same thing over and over again.


I hate parents who kill their children.  (This doesn't include God who drowned all his children except for Noah.)


I hate toilets when they show up at social functions.


I hate paper.  I don't know why, but suspect paper is connected to pictures of cabins near a river and mountains.


I hate dreams that do not come true.


I hate time, but not all the time.


I hate private detectives investigating my privates.


I hate blogs about hate.


And, finally, I hate running out of things to hate.

Funny Money

Money walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Nice to see you!  You should come more often.  What will it be?"
And Money said, "I'll have a glass of happiness, please."
The bartender fixed Money a glass of happiness. Money used some of itself to pay for the drink.  Then Money said, "See? I can buy happiness."


"Why did money cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was parting from a fool."


"Why did money cross the road?"
"It was parting from another fool?"
"No, that was the money in the last joke.  This money was following people doing what they love."


Question:  How much money does God have in the bank?
Answer:  Lots.

Question:  Does God own the Universe, or is he renting?
Answer:  Yes.

Question:  Does God pay income tax?
Answer:  Yes, but only when he wants to.

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Money."

"Thanks for coming.  That's all I need to know."

A police officer stopped Evil and searched it.  The officer found a carrot in Evil's pocket.

"What's this for?" asked the officer.

And Evil said, "Root is the money of all evil."

Dear God . . .

Dear God,

Would you mind not being my shepherd?  I don't like thinking about myself as a sheep.  Also, I am not big on walking around in green pastures.  Too many bugs and my shoes get dirty.  

How about you be my Chief Executive Officer (CEO)?

The Lord is my CEO

I shall never be laid off . . . 

I will work on it later.

The only problem for me is to get hired at the place where you work.  Where do I apply?  A minister once told me that you work in Mysterious Ways.  Where is Mysterious Ways?  I have checked all the business directories and cannot find this company.

Take your time in getting back to me.  I know you are busy running the Universe, and trying to make America great again.

Your Faithful Funny Bone,
Me

P.S.  Any word on the winning lottery numbers?

Questions About God II

Which washroom does God use, men's or women's?

Did God get a flu shot?

Does God believe in reincarnation?

Has God ever seen a flying saucer?

What religion is God?

What did God do before there was religion?

How much money does God have in the Vatican Bank?

Does God have a cell phone?  

Does God always tell the truth?

Is God afraid of heights?

What kind of car does God drive?

How come we never hear about God's family?

What are God's plans after the world ends?

Questions About God

What sign is God?  Virgin?

  Where did God grow up?  Neverland?

 Did God go to school on other days besides Sundays?

   Does God really know everything?  What kind of exams would you give to find out whether God knows everything?

How many applied for Creator of the Universe before God got the job?  Is God in a union?  Does God get paid overtime for working for Eternity?

What does God do to relax?  Is God into meditation or yoga?  Does God play any sports?

Where does God vacation?  A Five-Star hotel in another universe?

 Does God wear makeup?  Has God had plastic surgery?  Has God ever won a beauty contest?

What does God do for fun?  Does God play dice with the universe?

Has God ever had a serious relationship? 

 Does God enjoy long walks along the beach?  

Does God have any pets?

What is God's favorite food?  Bananas?

Has God ever had a near-death experience?  If so, then who told God, "Go back. It's not your time."

Does God's Will have an executor?

Did God get an inferiority complex after creating human beings?

THINGS THEY NEVER KNEW

Adam and Eve never knew what is was like to go through puberty, and have pimples.



Noah never knew solitude.

Leonardo Da Vinci never knew why Mona Lisa was almost smiling. 



William Shakespeare never knew how to spell.



Sir Isaac Newton never knew how grateful he should be because watermelons don't grow on trees.



Benjamin Franklin never knew what it is like to pay for electricity.



René Descartes never knew that he could be without thinking.

Charles Dickens never knew that novels could be movies.




Adolph Hitler never knew sanity.

Albert Einstein never knew a good hair stylist.




God never knew what an embarrassment human beings would be before he created Adam and Eve.

A LETTER TO MAKE IT FAIR

Dear Satan,

     I wrote a letter to God yesterday.  I thought I better write one to you so you won't complain about being treated unfairly.

      Hell must be a popular place.  People are always telling me to go there.  But I never believed in Hell until I got married.  My wife was religious, and she showed me that Hell exists.  

     I often wonder whether my marriage was made in the place you rule.  Do you know anything about that?

     Wherever my marriage was made, it did not last.  Was this the result of cheap, unskilled foreign labor?  It doesn't matter.  It's a blessing my marriage did not last because my poor wife did not deserve me: she was perfect and I wasn't.

     I'm sorry to go on about my marriage, but I can't help thinking about it when I think of Hell.

     Have you ever been commended for your charisma?  There's God, The Almighty, The Creator, The Ruler of the Universe, and hardly anyone listens to him.  But there you are not as powerful as God, and almost everyone listens to you.  What's your secret?  A better understanding of human nature than God's?

     I'm going to stop now.  All this letter-writing is tiresome.  I'm telling you this to give you a heads up.  My hands will be idle.  Got any ideas?

AN OVERDUE RENOVATION

Dear God,

     Isn't it time you renovated Heaven?  It's been the same since Eternity.  How about updating its look?

     Get rid of the clouds.  They're bland.  I know that the white clouds match the white gowns everyone wears.  Why not change the decor and allow people to wear what they want?  Why does everyone have to wear the same thing?  Is there a commandment stating that all dead people have to dress alike?

As for the furniture?  Keep the same simple atmosphere by getting some easy-to-assemble stuff from Ikea.  I'm sure Ikea will give you a discount with you being God.  Just make sure you bring three pieces of identification to prove who you are.  You can give Heaven a simple and modern look without spending too much money.

And while you're at it, Hell could use some air-conditioning.  The people there are starting to complain.  Thanks. 

THIS TITLE IS LONG BECAUSE THE AUTHOR COULD NOT THINK OF A SHORT TITLE THAT APPLIED TO THE CONTENT

Taking the high road is not the same as traveling high on the road.


Flies should get screened for diseases.


Eating a healthy diet reduces your risk of starvation.


If you smoke, take it easy and cool down.


How many people beat cancer, and do not get charged with assault?


Where does God go for medical checkups?


Your risk of dying increases after age 103.


Did someone's derrière die, or is this the end?

ON SCRIBBLES

My life has been erratic ever since I fell in love with a scribble.

A scribble scrawled into a bar and the bartender said, "What can I get you."

The scribble said, "A purpose, please."

"Coming right up."

The bartender left and then returned with a purpose for the priest.  This caused the rabbi to say to the minister, "This joke makes no sense."

"How many scribbles does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many?"

"One, but the new light bulb will be illegible."

"Why did the scribble cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"To make the other side hard to read."

"Wait a minute.  Why would a scribble cross the road to make the other side hard to read?"

"Because 

Roses are red

And never discuss

Why scribbles love to

Puzzle us."

"What do scribbles eat for breakfast?"

"I don't know.  What?"

"Write Krispies."

"What do scribbles eat for lunch?"

"I don't know.  What?"

"Write Krispies.  They love Write Krispies."

"What do scribbles eat for for dinner?"

"Write Krispies."

"No, meat and potatoes.  They don't love Write Krispies that much."

The famous ancient philosopher Scribbletees once said, "Life is 10% nonsense, and 90% meaningless."

"Why did the scribble go to the doctor?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"It was starting to snap crackle and pop."

And the God of Doodle proclaimed, "Thou shalt have no other scribbles before me."

Amen.

ALL ABOUT GAWK

"Why did the gawk cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To stare on the other side."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Gawk."

"Gawk who?"

"Aren't you supposed to say 'Yahoo' when you're happy?"

"How many gawks does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two.  One to change the bulb and the other to gawk."

HEADLINE:  GAWK CHARGED FOR STEALING STARES

"What does a gawk see when it gawks?"

"I don't know."

"Whatever it is gawking at."

If God was a gawk, then his holy book would be The Eyeble.

HEADLINE:  GAY GAWK FIGHTS FOR SAME-STARE MARRIAGE

A gawk walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What are you gawking at?"

And the gawk says, "Duh . . .  The End?"

SOME PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS

Do I exist, or am I only a voice in my head?



If God exists:
- Why is there evil in the world?
- Why does he allow people to suffer?
- Why doesn't he tell us where to shop for good deals?



What is the life of meaning?   How long will meaning last?



Will I be sick when I die?  Is there any sense in dying while healthy?



Is it possible to pronounce ethical ethnics ten times perfectly?



Is Freedom a place where things don't cost anything?



Why are some people happy when depressed?



What is the meaning of The End?

ALL ABOUT MUD

Does mud have a bad name because God used it to make humans?



Does mud ever take a bath?




Is there mud on other planets?



A man bought a car made of mud.  It was good on gas and never broke down.
"How much did your mud car cost?" asked his friend.
And the man said, "Oh, I got it dirt cheap."




"Why did the mud cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It was stuck on some kids' boots."




If a tree falls in the mud, and no one is there to see it, does the tree still get dirty?




"How can you tell when mud is dirty?"
"How?"
"It uses dirty words."

GOALS

"My goals in life are to eat, drink and be merry.  I will eat and drink now, and be merry after my sex-change operation," said Poindexter Diddle.


"My goal in life is to always remember never to forget," said Elmer Elephant. 


"My goal is to write books people won't understand," said James Joyce. 


"My goal in life is never to get cross with people," said Jesus.


"My goal is never to meet my partner," said Lawrence Parallel Line.


"My goal in life is to smell even if I don't have a nose," said Rose Rose.


"My goal is to ribbet ribbet," said Frankie Frog.


"My goal in life is to last forever," said Donald Dodo Bird.


"My goal is to create beings that are ignorant and savage and always find excuses to kill each other," said God.