All About Critics

"Why did the critic cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To find something wrong with the other side."


"How many critics does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Three.  One to change the bulb and the other two to criticize the process."


A critic walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And the critic said, "Did you have to ask me that way?"
"What was wrong with the way I asked?" said the bartender.
And the critic said,"Nothing, but you didn't have to ask me that way."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"A critic."

"A critic who?"

"Your door needs painting."

"Do you see anything wrong with The End?"
"Yeah.  Look how the curtains cover part of the T in The and the D in End."
"You're right."
"What a failure this funny bone guy is.  He can't even get The End right."
"Okay, we're finished here.  Let's go somewhere else where we will find something wrong."

IF I WASN'T A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I'd be . . . 


A Critic - What fun to be paid to be afraid to do anything except find fault, find fault, find fault.


A Door - I get to open and close, and open and close while people handled my knob.


A Pleasant Memory - Wow!  Being paid to have everyone remember you.


The Weather - I would get a salary to be as fickle, inconstant, changeable, mercurial, variable, and unpredictable as I wanted to.


 A Pain In The Ass - Perhaps I am already one, but it would be nice to be paid for it.


The End - Being paid to be The End would mean that I would not have to do anything because my work is always done.


 

HALLOWEEN*

*This blog would have been posted on October 31, but the dog ate my calendar.


"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It had no legs.  It just sat at the side of the road and waited for the next joke.


A pumpkin walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, where did you get the legs?"
The pumpkin says, "They came with this joke."
"Wonderful," says the bartender.  "What will--"
(Sorry, the dog ate the rest of this joke.) 

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb? 

"Just one, but it has to have legs and arms."

 "Knock. Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Trick or treat!"

"Trick or treat who?"

"This isn't a joke.  We want a trick or a treat!"

"Sorry, but the dog ate the tricks and treats."

A big brown hairy monster walks into a bar, and the bartender flees.  And on the subject of fleas, the dog comes out from under the bar and eats the big brown hairy monster.


A witch walks into a bar and the dog says, "What will it be?"
The witch says, "Double, double toil and trouble."
The dog says, "Never mind trying to make this a Shakespearean tragedy.  Order something."
"Since when do dogs talk?" asks the witch.
The dog says, "My voice came with this joke.  Now what will it be?"
But before the witch could answer, the bartender and pumpkin return to the bar. 
"Is the big brown hairy monster gone?" asks the bartender.
"Yup," says the dog, "I ate him.  He tasted better than the calendar, bar joke, and tricks and treats."
"Now what will we do?" asks the pumpkin.
"Let's form a rock band!" says the witch.
So the bartender, witch, dog and pumpkin form a rock band called Halloween.  They tour the world giving sold-out concerts.  And whenever they get a bad review, the dog eats the critic.