It's All About X

And the dog owner yelled at X, "Stop marking my Spot!"



X walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Are you sure you want to stay?  A lot of mathematicians are looking for you."
"I know," said X.  "I'll have an algebraic equation, please."
The bartender brought X an algebraic equation.  X solved it and left.



"Why did X cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To solve a chicken on the other side."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"X."

"X who?"

"Solve the equation and find out."

"How many Xs does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"It depends.  X is variable.  Sometimes it's 3x + 4, and sometimes it's 29(x - 42)."  

An affirmation for X:  I deserve the very best equations.

Fortune teller to X:  "You will meet a Y in a future equation.  There will be lots of plus and minuses in your life.  You will do okay if you keep your life balanced on both sides of the equal sign."

If X falls into a river and there's no water, then does X still equal dry?

5x - 7x + 2x = 7

Let's solve the equation step-by-step.

5x−7x+2x=7

Step 1: Simplify both sides of the equation.

5x−7x+2x=7

Simplify: 

5x+−7x+2x=7

(5x+−7x+2x)=7

0=7

0=7 ?

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Answer:  There are no solutions.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Have kennels gone to the dogs?

Are zombies thoughtless when they walk their dogs in cemeteries?

Do dogs have safety deposit boxes with bones in them?

Where does a dog carry its wallet?

Was Lee Harvey Osdog the lone assassin? 

CAN SUCH THINGS BE?

FLYING PIG BECOMES HAM PILOT

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Sign in a cemetery:

  

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PEDESTRIAN HIT - DOG CHARGED WITH DANGEROUS DRIVING

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Ad - Gain Weight With Weight Watchers!

Are you too skinny?  Looking to gain weight?

Weight Watchers has a plan for you . . . 

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GARBAGE CAN CHARGED WITH LITTERING AFTER THROWING AWAY HUMAN BEING!


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MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX GOES BANKRUPT BECAUSE PEOPLE REFUSE TO HATE AND GO TO WAR!

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HALLOWEEN*

*This blog would have been posted on October 31, but the dog ate my calendar.


"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It had no legs.  It just sat at the side of the road and waited for the next joke.


A pumpkin walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, where did you get the legs?"
The pumpkin says, "They came with this joke."
"Wonderful," says the bartender.  "What will--"
(Sorry, the dog ate the rest of this joke.) 

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb? 

"Just one, but it has to have legs and arms."

 "Knock. Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Trick or treat!"

"Trick or treat who?"

"This isn't a joke.  We want a trick or a treat!"

"Sorry, but the dog ate the tricks and treats."

A big brown hairy monster walks into a bar, and the bartender flees.  And on the subject of fleas, the dog comes out from under the bar and eats the big brown hairy monster.


A witch walks into a bar and the dog says, "What will it be?"
The witch says, "Double, double toil and trouble."
The dog says, "Never mind trying to make this a Shakespearean tragedy.  Order something."
"Since when do dogs talk?" asks the witch.
The dog says, "My voice came with this joke.  Now what will it be?"
But before the witch could answer, the bartender and pumpkin return to the bar. 
"Is the big brown hairy monster gone?" asks the bartender.
"Yup," says the dog, "I ate him.  He tasted better than the calendar, bar joke, and tricks and treats."
"Now what will we do?" asks the pumpkin.
"Let's form a rock band!" says the witch.
So the bartender, witch, dog and pumpkin form a rock band called Halloween.  They tour the world giving sold-out concerts.  And whenever they get a bad review, the dog eats the critic.

 

A FEW COURSES OFFERED AT CUTHBERT COLLEGE

Spitting and the Art of Self Defense:

Students learn how to lob loogies to protect themselves when being attacked.  Some saliva will be provided, but students should bring their own as the saliva supply is limited.

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Lunch 101:

Learn the proper way to take and eat your lunch. 

Prerequisite: Breakfast.  Students should bring their own food.

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How To Be Your Dog's Best Friend:

Students learn the importance of fire hydrants, and what to notice when sniffing a dog's butt.  

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Not Drawing and Writing:

Students learn the many ways of saying, "I can't!"

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How To Find Things Out:

Students wishing to take this course must find out what it's about and where to take it.   

EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING THIS BLOG

I am too confused to write.  I feel as if I am a Caitlyn Jenner trapped in a Gary Johnston.  

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I cannot write.  I don't have a writer's licence.

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I am too busy thinking up excuses for not writing.

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My pen ran out of ink and I don't have enough money to buy a refill.

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I am too busy Christmas shopping.  (There are only 201 days left.)

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I am too busy not being on vacation to write.

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The dog ate my ideas.

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Too busy hanging out with my laundry.

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And the final excuse I am not writing this blog?  I have nothing to say.

OVERHEARD

"When I grow up," said the little breeze, "I want to be a hurricane and help people move."

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"I wish more humans appreciated me," said Earth.

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"I want to measure up in everything I do," said the ruler.

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"Why can't I put my human on silence?" asks the cell phone.

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"I like to drink out of that bowl.  I wish my master would stop peeing in it," said the dog.

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"Oh the stories I could tell!  I should write a book," said the fly on the wall.

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"This is it," said The End.

UPDATED PROVERBS . . .

Good things come to those who cheat, bribe and steal.

A dog is a man's best friend and, with the way morals are going, may be his lover, too.

A bird in the hand may lead to cruelty-to-animal charges.

Honesty may not be the best policy.

Haste makes  attention deficit disorder easy to have.

Slow and steady wins points during sex.

An apple a day can make the drug companies lose money. 

A rolling stone gathers fans -- even after all these years.

People who live in glass houses are exhibitionists.

Don't cry over spilled dairy-free soy milk.

You can lead a horse to water, but why would you when you be spend your time on the Internet reading silly blogs. 

DUMB DOGS, SMART ELECTRONS, BEANSTALKS AND GOD

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN THE MAINSTREAM PRESS

TREE BARKS AND THEN BITES DOG

POLITICIAN TELLS THE TRUTH

WE ARE STARDUST BUT NOT GOLDEN

POLICE CHARGE BATTERY WITH SALT

SERIAL KILLER LIKES CORNFLAKES

BASEBALL BATS GO ON STRIKE

 

CAR KILLED IN CRASH 

LACK OF INTEREST STOPS WAR

HEROIN  DIES AFTER OVERDOSING ON HUMAN

BLOG ENDS SUDDEN--

THE DAY BEFORE EASTER

Twas the day before Easter and all through the tomb
Not a creature was stirring in that cold dark room.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
The above line is not supposed to be there.

Jesus was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of wooden crosses danced in his head.
Mary in her 'kerchief, and Joseph in his cap
Were wishing and hoping their son would come back.

  

 

Once again, this was Good for me.  Was it Good for you?

EXCUSES FOR NOT ALWAYS GETTING ONLINE TO BLOG . . .

A pipe burst in my laptop and I could not get hold of a plumber.

I got stuck in The Twilight Zone buying and selling "unreal" estate.

I fell into a black hole and then a wormhole, and was almost eaten by a giant robin.

Aliens messed with my memory and . . . I could not get hold of an architect.

The world ended and public transit was slow.

The dog ate my Internet connection.

I lost my aluminum hat which protects me from alien and computer radiation.

I was in Germany eating vegetables.

I helped Sir Onion rescue Lady Hamand Cheese from a fire-breathing sandwich.

Being online interferes with my Procrastinators Anonymous meetings.

WANTING TO GET MARRIED?

A friend of mine desperately wanted to get married. She said that she soon lost her desire for marriage after getting a dog.