FAMOUS WORDS OF . . .

A Cigarette:  "My nicotine is fighting with my hydrogen cyanide over which one should kill the person smoking me.  Why can't they cooperate and make it a joint effort?"

A Pencil:  "I want to lead my lead to writing."

A Hat:  "I am trying to get ahead."

A Baseball Bat:  "I'm having a ball!"

A Bank in Greece:  "How much money can I make selling pencils?"

A Butt:  "Is this ending appropriate?"

ADVICE FROM A BOYU

 
A boyu gave me this advice.  I pass it onto you . . . 
(If he was female, then he would be a guru.)

Never trust a person who can't be trusted.

Beware of those who list "self-sabotage" as their top strength.

Enjoy spending your money.  Better yet, if possible, enjoy spending other people's money.

Never play baseball without a bat.

Always put your socks on before you put your shoes on.

Count your blessings everyday.  (You never know whether someone has stolen them.)

Always leave your audience wanting more.

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.

WHAT IF NEWS

What if Rob Ford and John Tory are secret lovers?  What if, during sex, John Tory beats Rob Ford while Jian Ghomeshi 
watches?  


What if Ebola is not a virus, but something used to eat Esoupa?


What if poor toilet training is the real reason people turn into terrorists?


What if computer hackers used hatchets?


What if the World Series had a baseball team from every country on Earth?  Would the playoffs take Eternity?


What if smart bombs made people smarter instead of killing them?  Would leaders of countries ask other leaders,
"Would you bomb us, please?"


What if climate change was hot and cold coins you carried in your pocket?  Would the homeless would say, "Can you spare some climate change?  I wanna buy some pure water."?


What if once news was not new, it was called olds?


What if this is The End?

What if something, like this sentence, comes after The End?

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN THE MAINSTREAM PRESS

TREE BARKS AND THEN BITES DOG

POLITICIAN TELLS THE TRUTH

WE ARE STARDUST BUT NOT GOLDEN

POLICE CHARGE BATTERY WITH SALT

SERIAL KILLER LIKES CORNFLAKES

BASEBALL BATS GO ON STRIKE

 

CAR KILLED IN CRASH 

LACK OF INTEREST STOPS WAR

HEROIN  DIES AFTER OVERDOSING ON HUMAN

BLOG ENDS SUDDEN--

PRODUCTS THAT NEVER SOLD

Upside Down Potato Chips


Saddles for Birds


Poison Ivy Ice Skates


Bicycles for Computers


Earwax Cereal


Swimsuits for fish


Wristwatches for trees


Plastic Elevators


Invisible Money 
(Everyone has too much)


Steel Snow


Wholewheat Bread Liqueur 


The Complete Book of Baseball Poetry

 
Fleur-de-lis  Cider Cake


Feather Hammers


Containers for Black Holes


Radioactive Carpets


Sour Cream Skateboards 


Ultraviolet Sausages


Sudden Endings