ON GETTING OLD

You know you're getting old when reading makes you out of breath.

You know you're getting old when you need to use a walker while having sex.



You know you're getting old when famous people are old enough to be your children.



You know you're getting old when going to the bathroom gives more pleasure than having sex.



"How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Just one, but he or she may forget how to do it."



You know you're getting old when you have more wrinkles than hair.



"Why did the old man cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To forget where he was going on the other side."



You know you're getting old when your parents are older than 347 years.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Old Age."

"Old Age who?"

"Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough."

SOME RULES NOT FOUND IN ETIQUETTE BOOKS WITH AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Try not to scream when cannibals are preparing and cooking you for their dinner.  People do not like loud noises before they eat.



Never talk while the cannibals are eating you.  It's impolite for you to talk while their mouths are full.



Never wrap gifts in sandpaper.



Do not pick your nose when being introduced to someone.  Wait until after you are introduced and then pick away.



Never be late for your funeral.  Be considerate of the people who have taken the time to come.



No texting during sex.



Having sex in public is okay as long as you're at an orgy.



It's okay to chew gum in church, but don't blow bubbles.



Never poop your pants unless you are wearing a diaper.




And the announcement . . . 

Mr. and Mrs. Invisible Man are pleased to announce the disappearance of their son Griffin.

 

THOUGHTS ON MY MARRIAGE

It's been 25 years since I left my marriage for sanity.  Is there anything I miss about my marriage?


I miss the arguments.  My life is dull now that I live in peace and quiet.

Along with the arguments, I miss not being wrong.

I miss not being told what to do.  Some days I'm afraid to get out of bed because I don't know what to wear, what to eat, and how to spend my day.

I miss having my wife save me money by spending it.
"We saved $5.00!  The lamp was regularly $30.00, but we got it for $25.00."
"We didn't save money; we spent less."
"No. No.  We saved $5.00."
Of course she was right. 

Sex?  I missed it while being married.  My wife had a lot of headaches.  Perhaps I caused them.  Who knows?
Do I miss sex now?  No.  Everyday someone tells me, "Fuck off!"  Perhaps I do cause headaches. 

ARE ANSWERS CAUSED BY QUESTIONS?

Are children side effects of sex?

 *

Is a noose a choking hazard?

*

Is a grasshopper a jumping drug addict?

*

What is normal for being weird?

*

Does a ghost question the meaning of its life, and wonder why it is not here?

 *

Is there a relationship between shopping and money?

*

Is more fat a side effect of gaining weight?

*

Does wood ever get board?

*

Is it true that a grass-humping gardener got charged with rake? 

*

Are death and destruction side effects of nuclear war?

*

Is THE END the end, or just the beginning of something else?

SOME THOUGHTS ON PROFANITY

WARNING:  The following blog contains fucking words that some may find offensive.  Reader discretion is advised.  (Whatever that means.)


"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Whenever someone tells me to shut the fuck up, I can never find the fuck because I don't know what the fuck looks like.  Suppose I knew what the fuck looks like and found it, are there instructions on how to shut the fuck up?


"WHAT THE FUCK?"

A lot of people say this because they, too, don't know what the fuck looks like.


"SUCK MY DICK!"

I heard a guy say this to his girlfriend.  They were having a volcanic argument.  I thought, "Hey fella, she is furious with you.  Do you really want her to do that since her mouth has teeth?"


"THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!"

What does the speaker's diet consist of that he or she knows something tastes like shit?


"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

Why would anyone announce that he or she is constipated?


"KISS MY ASS!"

Is the speaker really going to bare his or her ass so this can be done?


"FUCK OFF!"

There's that F-word again.  Does fuck off mean that the speaker is cancelling an appointment for sex? 


"EAT SHIT!"

 I have been told to eat shit.  "Why would I do that when there is plenty of food available?" I ask.  Then whoever told me to eat shit tells me to "Fuck off!"  How confusing!  I never knew the fuck was ever on.


"BULLSHIT!"

 I hope bulls never charge for the use of their caca.  I and many people would always be in debt.

SCENES FROM FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

 

LOVE QUOTES FROM PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE . . .

 . . . Jian Ghomeshi interviewing Bill Cosby on the topic: Opportunities For Women In The Workplace.

. . . Wonder Woman having sex with The Incredible Hulk.

. . . The death notice for the Dead Sea. (Did it leave a will?)

. . . God admit that He goofed when He created human beings.

. . . Human beings admit that they goofed when they created God.

. . . A war where both sides use toy guns only.

. . . A cow having a hamburger at McDonald's.

. . . A foot with a mouth in it.

. . . A politician answer a question.

. . . A humble bumbling bumblebee.

 . . . A pair of glasses pass an eye test.

. . . The beginning of The End.

WHAT IF NEWS

What if Rob Ford and John Tory are secret lovers?  What if, during sex, John Tory beats Rob Ford while Jian Ghomeshi 
watches?  


What if Ebola is not a virus, but something used to eat Esoupa?


What if poor toilet training is the real reason people turn into terrorists?


What if computer hackers used hatchets?


What if the World Series had a baseball team from every country on Earth?  Would the playoffs take Eternity?


What if smart bombs made people smarter instead of killing them?  Would leaders of countries ask other leaders,
"Would you bomb us, please?"


What if climate change was hot and cold coins you carried in your pocket?  Would the homeless would say, "Can you spare some climate change?  I wanna buy some pure water."?


What if once news was not new, it was called olds?


What if this is The End?

What if something, like this sentence, comes after The End?

DATING TIPS

Never date people who shave their teeth.

Never date anyone named Satan or Satania. 

Never date invisible people.  They will disappear on you.

Never date dead people.  They are stiff and smell.

Date superheroes if you don't mind having your date interrupted, or cancelled, because they have to leave to save the world. 

Date people at work only if it will advance your career.

Sex on a first date?  It is up to you, but only if your date produces a doctor's certificate stating that your date is sexually-transmitted-disease free. (STD Free)

 

ON MARRIAGE . . .

"I never believed in flying saucers until I got married."

"Sex was never a problem during our marriage.  My wife said quite often, 'Honey, would you like to have sex?  I need to file my nails.'"

"To make marriage more accurate, why don't brides wear Five-Star General uniforms instead of wedding gowns?"



"I never knew that I had so many faults until I got married."



Words for husbands to make a marriage last?  "Yes dear."



 "Fifty per cent of all marriages are half of all marriages." 

 

THINGS I NEVER WANT TO CATCH

I never want to catch an elephant going through menopause.  And I never want to catch menopause either.  I like my body temperature just the way it is, and the weather creates enough havoc with my moods, thank you very much.

I never want to catch a politician being honest, or not wasting taxpayers' money.  What would I have to complain about if this ever happened?

I never want to catch Dutch Elm disease.  I avoid having sex with trees for that reason.

I never want to catch the disease that makes you write silly blogs that are never long enough. 

UPDATED PROVERBS . . .

Good things come to those who cheat, bribe and steal.

A dog is a man's best friend and, with the way morals are going, may be his lover, too.

A bird in the hand may lead to cruelty-to-animal charges.

Honesty may not be the best policy.

Haste makes  attention deficit disorder easy to have.

Slow and steady wins points during sex.

An apple a day can make the drug companies lose money. 

A rolling stone gathers fans -- even after all these years.

People who live in glass houses are exhibitionists.

Don't cry over spilled dairy-free soy milk.

You can lead a horse to water, but why would you when you be spend your time on the Internet reading silly blogs. 

STUDIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED (Perhaps They Did, But Not In This Dimension)

Study finds that junk food strengthens your cast-iron stomach.

Studies show that seniors are older than most people.

A study proved, beyond all doubt, that over-cooking food may cause it to burn.

Studies show that sex is only heavy breathing combined with pelvic thrusts and the exchange of gooey bodily fluids.

A study showed that people are likely to bump into things if they walk around with their eyes closed.

(What people may see when their eyes are closed.)

 

A study showed that people who volunteer for studies are called volunteers.

Studies show that monkeys do not believe in evolution.  (It is hard to tell what monkeys believe because they do not say much.)

Studies found that most garbage smells.

A study, paid for by Calvin Klein, found that T Shirts do not come from the alphabet.   

A study, conducted by The Riddletee Research Group, found that playing on the Internet may lead to silly blogs. 

IF WHAT THEY SAY IN ADS WERE TRUE

If what they say in ads were true, then there are all kinds of people and businesses out there whose only goal is to save me money.  They are not interested in making money for themselves.  They are only interested in saving ME money.  Of course, I may have to give them some of my money in order for them to save it for me.  That's a minor detail.

If what they say in ads were true, then the car I drive, the soap I use, the deodorant I use, the toothpaste and mouthwash I use -- even the gum I chew will get me sex.   Wow, it's that simple!  No more lonely nights!

If what they say in ads were true, then using a certain laundry soap will keep me happy all the time because my clothes are clean and  smell clean. And using certain household cleaners will also make me happy because with little or no effort, they keep my house clean and smelling clean.

If what they say in ads were true, then the food I eat will keep me happy and healthy and stop me from gaining weight. 

If what they say in ads were true  . . .  It's a wonderful world!