All About Life

"Why did Life cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To live on the other side."


"Why didn't life stop once it got to the other side?"
"Why?"
"Because Life goes on."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Life."

"Life who?"

"Just Life.  I don't have a last name, and have nothing funny to say for this knock-knock joke."

I want to enjoy every minute of my life, but the seconds won't let me.

Life is a dream?  Do we know whether the dreamer has anything contagious?

"How many lifetimes does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"One lifetime if you're paid a flat rate, and 347 lifetimes if you're paid by the hour."

Life walked into a bar and banged its head on the top of the door frame.  The bartender said, "Gosh, you're not short."

Where shall I find a diaper large enough to change my life?

On Christmas

Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
And Christmas says, "I'll have some cheer, please."
The bartender serves Christmas some cheer.  Christmas drinks it and is about to pay.
"No," says the bartender, "don't pay me.  It's Compliments of the Season."



"Why did Christmas cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it was December 26."



"How many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Don't you mean change a light bulb?"
"No, it's the holidays and anything goes."
"Okay, how many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Seven million."
"Seven million?"
"Seven million.  It's a silly question, so it gets a silly answer."



Who is Merry Christmas, and why is everyone repeating her name?



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"Oh my God!  You're white!"
"Relax," says Christmas, "it's just a dream."



"Can you show me how to light a change bulb?" asked one Christmas to another.
"Yes," said the other Christmas, "but let's wait until there are 7 million of us to make my lesson worth teaching."



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What?  Am I still dreaming?"
"No," says Christmas, "you're a bartender."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Christmas."

"Christmas?  Back again already?  It seems like only a year since you were here last."

ON DREAMS

"Why did the dream cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To come true on the other side." 



Does money dream of having lots of people?


"How many dreams does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Just one, but the light bulb will forget being changed."



"I dream of the day when I can go more places than up and down," said the elevator.



Do bicycles dream to be free from their chains?



A mountain woke up from a dream about being a molehill and thought, "No big deal."



Do puzzles understand their dreams?



Does Death ever dream it lived?



A dream walked in to a bar and the bartender said, "I know you from somewhere."
And the dream said, "Yeah, you had me last night."
"So I did," said the bartender.  "Am I still dreaming?"
And the dream said, "I hope you're rowing your boat gently."

DEAR DIARY . . . PART I

Dear Diary . . . 

Today I bought a pair of pants for 50 percent off. It had one leg.

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I am happy because I no longer have a mortgage.  Of course I don't own a house and never had a mortgage, but it's nice to know that I no longer have one.

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I love having a credit card.  What fun it is to spend money I hope to have next year!

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The repairman came to fix my air conditioner today. But the repair did not cost me anything because I don't have a house.

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I got a free estimate today.  I don't know what to do with it.

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My closet came out today.  It said that it was gay. I had suspected all along because it was always too clean. 

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Last night I had a dream that I was Martin Luther King.  I felt free at last and then I woke up.

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I'm in love!  It was love at first sight when I looked in the mirror.  I hope I live happily ever after.

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What a busy day!  I built Rome, but don't know what to do with it.

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Today I thought how I will die one day.  How much of a tip should I leave the undertaker?

SHORT STORY IDEAS . . .

During a hurricane, the son of a bitch battles the storm to stop fleas from blowing away.

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The night before the U.S. presidential election, John F. Kennedy appears on television shouting, "April Fools!  April Fools!"

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A feminist, hired by the post office, leads a campaign to stamp out all-male mail boxes.

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An hallucination teams up with a dream to fight against a gang of imagination killers.

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Years of financial hardship and never-ending work, makes a single parent break into a prison to get a break.

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After surviving a forest fire, a tree turns to a life of crime by robbing branches of banks and giving leaves to the poor.

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As a plague rages across the globe, a funny bone technician says, "I'm outta this blog before I get sick!"

UNKNOWN FACTS ABOUT SIGMUND FREUD

Sigmund Freud (May 6, 1856 - September 23, 1939)

Sigmund Freud was born Tuesday May 6, 1856.  His mother wanted to call him Oedipus, but Sigmund was easier to spell.

Unknown facts about Sigmund Freud?

- Freud felt that the Id, Ego, and Superego are okay as long as they belong to the same penis.

- Unconscious was the name Freud gave to the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.

- Freud's association with the treatment of mental illness started when he diagnosed Analysis, his Greek patient, as a psycho.

- Freud was the first to discover that water on the brain was wet.

- Freud hated history.  He studied hysteria when he discovered that it was not the plural of history.

- Freud suffered from penis envy which he inherited from his father.

- Freud was first to coin the term cold shoulder when he discovered that ice cubes did not melt on some patients' where their arms joined their bodies.

- Freud once dreamt that unknown facts about him would appear in a blog 160 years after his birth.  He dismissed the dream as nonsense.

THINGS MARK TWAIN NEVER SAID

Mark Twain died Thursday April 21, 1910.  He stopped making speeches shortly after his death.
Here are some quotes from the speeches he never made:


"I'll never be eaten by cannibals.  Never the Twain shall meat."


"Give me liberty, or give me death!  On second thought, give me a hot fudge sundae."  


"To pee, or not to pee?  What is wrong with my bladder?"


"If you cannot do great things, give up."


"I have a dream!  I have a dream!  I have a dream that one day I will be Martin Luther King." 


"You must be the change you wish to see in your pocket."


"Money is the root of all fun."


"That's not all, folks, but it's enough for now."

A FEW COURSES OFFERED AT CUTHBERT COLLEGE

Spitting and the Art of Self Defense:

Students learn how to lob loogies to protect themselves when being attacked.  Some saliva will be provided, but students should bring their own as the saliva supply is limited.

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Lunch 101:

Learn the proper way to take and eat your lunch. 

Prerequisite: Breakfast.  Students should bring their own food.

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How To Be Your Dog's Best Friend:

Students learn the importance of fire hydrants, and what to notice when sniffing a dog's butt.  

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Not Drawing and Writing:

Students learn the many ways of saying, "I can't!"

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How To Find Things Out:

Students wishing to take this course must find out what it's about and where to take it.   

SIGNS THAT DO NOT BELONG

Sign at a construction site

Sign in a womb

 Sign in a dream

Sign in the parliament buildings

Sign in Hell

Sign at a prison

Sign in a movie theater

Sign in Heaven

 Sign at the end of a blog

MY DREAM ABOUT THIS AND THAT . . .

 

I had a dream that you were reading this . . . 


And you laughed at the following:


This walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
  
This says, "I'll have that, please."

So the bartender fixes This that.  While This is sipping that, the bartender says, "You're the first This who has come into my bar and ordered that.  How come?"

And This says, "Fear, I guess.  Unlike most words, I am not afraid to leave the dictionary and explore the world."

After a few thats, This stood up on the bar and shouted, "I AM A PRONOUN AND NOT AN AMATEUR NOUN!"

"Excuse me, but you can't do that," said the bartender.   "Please sit back down or I will have to ask you to leave."

"Oh yeah?"  shouted This

"Oh yeah,"  said the bartender.

And This sat back down, finished another that, and then left.  And that's that.    



Question:  Why did This cross the road?

You: I don't know. 

Answer:  To return to the dictionary. 
 (This would have driven back to the dictionary, but knows not to drink and drive.)


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"This."
"This who?"
"No not the zoo, This that's who."


BREAKING NEWS:  THAT FILES COMPLAINT WITH THE WORDS RIGHTS ASSOCIATION AFTER THAT IS USED IN A DREAM AS A DRINK

     Lawyers for That said that their client's reputation was damaged when That was used in a dream as an alcoholic drink drank by This.  The lawyers said that they are also thinking about filing a lawsuit against Gary Johnston, the dreamer.  A spokesperson for The Words Rights Association said that they will investigate  and . . . 


. . . And then you woke up and continued with your reality -- whatever that is.
 

 

DREAM JOBS?

DREAMS, CHICKENS AND BARTENDERS . . .

Q:   Why did the dream cross the road?
A:   Because it was going on the a chicken's mind.

Q:   Why did the chicken cross the road?
 A:  It was sleepwalking.

A dream walks into bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The dream says, "I'll have an interpretation on the rocks, please."
"A Jung interpretation, or a Freud interpretation?" asks the bartender.
"Yes," says the dream.
The bartender jumps up and flies away, and the dream enjoys its glass of milk.

How many dreams does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  You can't get a dream to change a light bulb because they spend too much time in bars drinking milk.

One dream walks up to another dream and says, "You're not making any sense."
The other dream says, "                                                       ."
 And the first dream says, "Now you're fading."

One dream to another, "Would you like to come over to my place for a nightmare?"
The second dream says, "No thanks.  I have to be up early tomorrow for a meeting with the collective unconscious."

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The"
"The who?"
"The end of this dream."

"It's not the humidity. It's the heat!"