Here's What I Think:

I think salt and pepper shakers should come with instructions.

I think poop should go to prison for stinking.

I think Mother Nature should get married before it's too late.

I think airplanes should be furry for no reason in particular.

I think someone should invent car and house keys that come to you when you call them.

I think deaf people should get free admission to concerts.

I think a house fire should stop itself before it causes any damage.

I think clouds should have skin to help them keep their shapes.

I think bombs should fall asleep before they explode and never wake up.

I think God should sell the pen he used to write The Bible.

I think God should use the money, from the sale of his pen, to buy personalities for people who do not have them.

I think we should be able to send our excess body weight on permanent vacations.

I think monkeys should stop making wrenches.

I think there should be more bears in advertising.

I think I will stop thinking now and go back to work.

Jobs I Would Love To Have

I would love to have a job that . . . 

- Paid me to eat bananas;

- Paid me to breathe;

- Paid me to sleep;

- Paid me to smile at strangers;

- Paid me to give anal probes to aliens;

- Paid me to clutter closets;

- Paid me to buy stuff I could keep;

- Paid me every time I went to the bathroom;

- Paid me to read books;

and finally,

I would love to have a job that paid me to stare out a window while I thought about jobs I would love to have.

QUOTES FROM THINGS THAT CAN'T TALK

"I'm short."

         - Life

"I like it when they blow me."

                                                                - A Forest Fire 

  

"Gawd those people stink!"

                                                                 - A Pile of Garbage

"I'm bored!  Is there more to life than going around the sun?"

                                                                     - Mars

"Hair today and hair tomorrow."

                                                                      - A Comb

"I have myself and still I'm not happy."

                                                                        - Money

"There's got to be more to forever than going on and on and on and on.

                                                                        - Eternity

"Am I all that bad?"

                                                                 - Crime       

"That red planet looks bored."

                                                                 - Earth  

"Will I ever get a job?"

                                                                   - Work

"I wish I had a mind to change."

                                                                   - Whim

"Going.  Going."

                                                             - Gone         

TV GAME SHOWS NO ONE WATCHES

Here are some TV game shows no one watches:

Who Wants To Be Poor?

Every week contestants compete to lose everything they own.

Cannibal's Cook Pot

This week cannibal chef, Garth Gruesome, shows how to cook clowns so they will not taste funny.

Diapery

Babies compete to see who has the poopiest diaper.

Fantasy Fun

Fantasies compete with Reality to see which one will win a schizophrenic.

The Weather Game

Clouds, wind, skies and rain compete to predict the behavior of weather reporters.

Getting To Work

By answering unskilled questions, holidays and vacations compete to see which one will end its boring leisure existence to be a job.

IT'S NOT FUNNY 

Unsuccessful comedians try to make the audience laugh the least. 

Now you know why no one watches. 

IT'S ABOUT A JOB . . .

"I used to be a horseshoe for a large horse," said the toilet seat.  "Then I went to university and earned a PhD in Waste Management.  Now I work as the Senior Toilet Seat in a washroom at the University of Toronto."

*

"I make my money from writing," said  A. Can.  "I recently finished a book titled, How To Collect Garbage."

 *

"When I grow up," said the little girl, "I would like to work as a secret for the CIA."

*

"One day I will have the Moon's job," said the asteroid.  "I would get paid to run around the Earth every month, and cause nutty things to happen when I am full.  What fun, and what a way to stay in shape!"

*

"I would like to be the number 3.  I like to have people counting on me."

*

"How much education do you need to get work as a bathtub?"

*

"I once worked as a bomb, and then BOOM my job was gone."

*

"Has fire, working at any job, ever been fired?"

*

"I stopped working as a genius once I got a television."

*

"What education does one need to work as an accident?  A Master's Degree in Chance?"

*

"If you never want to be out of work," said the job counselor, "then get a job as a war."

*

"If I wasn't a funny bone technician," said Gary, "then I would work as a gaudy tie."

IF I WASN'T A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I'd be . . . 


A Critic - What fun to be paid to be afraid to do anything except find fault, find fault, find fault.


A Door - I get to open and close, and open and close while people handled my knob.


A Pleasant Memory - Wow!  Being paid to have everyone remember you.


The Weather - I would get a salary to be as fickle, inconstant, changeable, mercurial, variable, and unpredictable as I wanted to.


 A Pain In The Ass - Perhaps I am already one, but it would be nice to be paid for it.


The End - Being paid to be The End would mean that I would not have to do anything because my work is always done.


 

AVOID THE PLAGUE AND OTHER WORDS NOT CONNECTED . . .

***

Some people are against nudity.  I am for nudity.  Nudity is convenient when taking a shower.  Nudity is not convenient when having to carry car keys.

***

POLICE ARREST CAT . . . 

After receiving several complaints from the cat's neighbors, Toronto police arrested and charged the cat for keeping 50 old ladies in its one-bedroom apartment.  Some of the old ladies had not had their diapers changed in weeks, and were starving.  The old ladies were taken to a shelter where they will be nursed back to health, and then put up for adoption.

Pussy Willow, 7 years, is facing a number of charges including negligence and cruelty to old ladies.

*** 

 Always look on the bright side - This blog is over for now.

DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE OSCARS

The Academy Awards, how disappointing!  I was nominated for Best Idiot In My Life, but did not win.  It was supposed to be like a Lifetime Achievement Award, but they did not even mention me, or that I was the best idiot in my life.

I worked hard preparing to be the Best Idiot In My Life.  Days, months, years of making stupid mistakes and saying stupid things.  How nice it would have been to have the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences acknowledge all my hard work.

I had an my acceptance speech prepared.  After receiving the Oscar, and a standing ovation, I would have said, "Duh-um.  Thank you."  See?  Short and sweet.

I suppose a life in the arts is not about the rewards.  It is about The Process.  So even though they ignored me at The Oscars, I can say that I had fun being the Best Idiot In My Life.

DREAM JOBS?

QUESTION . . .

MY SHORT ATTENTION SP-

I don't know why my attention span is short.   I am six feet tall and do not like watching golf.  I live near some electrical equipment.  They say some people are sensitive to electrical energy.  I believe I am in line for a promotion at work.  I passed all the promotional exams including the anal probe performed by the aliens during a staff meeting.  The anal probe affected my brain and this is the cause for all the rain.

But rain is good.  It makes things grow -- especially in my closet where no monsters live.  Monsters used to live in my closet when I was younger, but they moved out as I aged the cheese I made.  Homemade cheese tastes better than the potatoes I bought at the gas station.

And what about those gas prices?  They are higher than the flying saucer the aliens brought to the staff meeting.  The aliens promised me a promotion at work if I did not talk about people sensitive to electrical cheese aged in monsters who live in closets.

So that is why my attention span is -- Look!  It's the end of my blog!

"Does my tan need more work?"