ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

TV GAME SHOWS NO ONE WATCHES

Here are some TV game shows no one watches:

Who Wants To Be Poor?

Every week contestants compete to lose everything they own.

Cannibal's Cook Pot

This week cannibal chef, Garth Gruesome, shows how to cook clowns so they will not taste funny.

Diapery

Babies compete to see who has the poopiest diaper.

Fantasy Fun

Fantasies compete with Reality to see which one will win a schizophrenic.

The Weather Game

Clouds, wind, skies and rain compete to predict the behavior of weather reporters.

Getting To Work

By answering unskilled questions, holidays and vacations compete to see which one will end its boring leisure existence to be a job.

IT'S NOT FUNNY 

Unsuccessful comedians try to make the audience laugh the least. 

Now you know why no one watches. 

IT'S ABOUT A JOB . . .

"I used to be a horseshoe for a large horse," said the toilet seat.  "Then I went to university and earned a PhD in Waste Management.  Now I work as the Senior Toilet Seat in a washroom at the University of Toronto."

*

"I make my money from writing," said  A. Can.  "I recently finished a book titled, How To Collect Garbage."

 *

"When I grow up," said the little girl, "I would like to work as a secret for the CIA."

*

"One day I will have the Moon's job," said the asteroid.  "I would get paid to run around the Earth every month, and cause nutty things to happen when I am full.  What fun, and what a way to stay in shape!"

*

"I would like to be the number 3.  I like to have people counting on me."

*

"How much education do you need to get work as a bathtub?"

*

"I once worked as a bomb, and then BOOM my job was gone."

*

"Has fire, working at any job, ever been fired?"

*

"I stopped working as a genius once I got a television."

*

"What education does one need to work as an accident?  A Master's Degree in Chance?"

*

"If you never want to be out of work," said the job counselor, "then get a job as a war."

*

"If I wasn't a funny bone technician," said Gary, "then I would work as a gaudy tie."

WATCH TV

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me 
Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

There will be a commercial,  Watch TV

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom,  Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

There will be a commercial Watch TV

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me

It’s coming from the TV, Watch TV

I wake up to the sound of infomercials on my big TV 

Speaking words and showing as I Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, yeah, Watch TV

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, yeah, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

(With apologies to The Beatles)