A Prediction

At one time, you could not talk in a library.  Time passed and talking quietly was allowed, but you could not use a cell phone.  Now you can talk as loud as you want, in the library, and there are signs permitting the use of cell phones.

My prediction?  One day I will be reading a book in the library, and someone will approach me and say, "Excuse me, but could you not read that book?  I'm trying to talk on my cell phone."

ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

WISHES AND THE THINGS THAT MADE THEM

"I wish I could fly."

- A Pant Zipper

"I wish I knew the meaning of life."

- A Dictionary

"I wish I could be sharp always."

- A Pencil

"I wish I could vibrate all the time."

- A Cell Phone

"I wish they wouldn't make me creak so much."

   - A bed

"I wish people would let me chair a meeting."

 - A Chair

"I'm up!  I'm down!  I'm up!  I'm down!  I wish they would leave me in one position."

- A Toilet Seat

"I wish I didn't get used so much."

   - A Wish

OVERHEARD

"When I grow up," said the little breeze, "I want to be a hurricane and help people move."

***

"I wish more humans appreciated me," said Earth.

***

"I want to measure up in everything I do," said the ruler.

***

"Why can't I put my human on silence?" asks the cell phone.

***

"I like to drink out of that bowl.  I wish my master would stop peeing in it," said the dog.

***

"Oh the stories I could tell!  I should write a book," said the fly on the wall.

***

"This is it," said The End.

SOMETHING FUNNY

There!  I did it.  I wrote Something Funny.  I hope it made you laugh.

Some say that it is hard to write Something Funny.  I find it quite easy.  Something Funny.  See?  I just did it again.

I find the following hard to write: 

- Instructions on how to give a headache to an aspirin 

- Advice on how to love your neighbor when you live in a  Black Hole

- How to program a cell phone to do laundry

- How to get your purse or pocket to answer your cell phone when your voice mail is full

- An essay titled, The Use Of Words In Literature

- Instructions on how to use the Dewey Decimal System to file socks and underwear

- About erectile dysfunction

- About rocks, concrete and steel
 

I also find it hard to write when I am asleep, and sometimes
I find it hard to write blog endings.

THE OLD AND THE NEW

The old rule was that one should never kiss goodnight on the first date.  A kiss goodnight should come on the second or third date.  That rule has been updated to Always use a condom.


At one time, people would never answer the telephone during dinner.  Now people squeeze in dinner between text messages and phone calls.


People used to spend a lot of time combing their hair to make it neat.  Now they spend more time . . .

Before, people would never wear ripped jeans. . .

Godzilla got away with this way back when . . .

Now he would be arrested and charged, for causing damage, and sued by all parties inconvenienced by his rude behavior.

Old mannequins? 

There was a time when The End never complained . . .

HEARING THINGS

I swear on the wart on my grandmother's nose that I heard the following words come from the following things:

A stain said, "Don't be a washout."

Some mud asked, "Where's the stick?"

Over and over an apology said, "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm so so sorry."

A pencil said to me, "You got it write!"  (Or was it, "You got it.  Write!")

My cell phone occasionally says to me, "Ring!  Ring!  Ring!"   I'm not sure what that means.

Some days my blog says to me, "Are you scraping the bottom of the barrel?"   I think I know what that means.

 

SHHHH!

What ever happened to a library being a place of silence?   A stern-looking spinster librarian would  shush!  you if you were breathing too loud.  Now librarians are no longer stern-looking spinsters, and library silence is on display somewhere in a museum.

People must wake up and say, "I think I'll go to the library today and talk on my cell phone.  When not talking on my cell phone, I'll talk and socialize with my friends." 

Signs asking people to be quiet and not use their cell phones are mere decorations.  Sometimes the librarians themselves are gabbing away.  

I love silence.  Where can I find it?  Nowhere?  Outer Space?  I may find it if I went to Nowhere.  I am not confident that I will find silence in Outer Space.  I suspect that should I go to Outer Space, looking for silence, I will find an alien blabbing on his cell phone.

"Yeah, Goink, you're right.  Listen, let me call you back.  I'm just heading to Earth.  I'll call you when I get to a library.  Okay.  Bye."

A DIFFERENT TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

The message alerts on my cell phone did not satisfy me; so I created my own.  Whenever someone sends me a text message, my cell phone vibrates and farts.

I know it's juvenile, but no matter how old we get, farting still makes us laugh.  I laugh every time I receive a text message.  What good medicine that is!

Sometimes I am standing with a group of people when I get a text message.

"Oh, that was my cell phone.  I just got a text message," I say.

"Sure ya did," they say.  

Their disbelief turns to laughter when they find out that it really was my cell phone.

Recently I was sitting on a bench at a bus station.  Beside me sat a lady who, from her appearance, could have been a Sunday school teacher, or a librarian, or both.  She likely has not laughed in the last 347 years.  I received a text.  She turned and glared at me.  

"That was my cell phone," I said as I reached into my pocket to retrieve it.

But before I could get my cell phone out, she got up in a huff and walked away.      

HOW MANY CELL PHONES . . .

Q:  Why did the cell phone cross the road?
A:   A chicken was using it and asking, "Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me now?"

Q:  Why don't cell phones use drugs?
A:  Because they are already wired.

Q:  How many cell phones does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Changing light bulbs is not in the contract.

Q:  What happened when a cell phone died and went to Heaven?

A:  St. Peter sent it back with a new battery. 

MY WATCH

What a pleasure to look at my watch!  It is simple.  It displays the time.  That is all it does.  That is its only function.  It is not a computer, calculator, calendar, camera or toilet.  I have only to look at it to see the time.  No logon I.D.  No password.  No application.  No keypad.  

How refeshing seeing such simplicity!  We live in a time when our lives are complicated with the Internet, e-mail, text messages, cell phones, computers, etc.  I am not against this technology, but how hard to get away from it.  We are surrounded by it.

For the few seconds I look at my watch, I am transported away from the chaotic digital circus.  I am taken to Simple -- a place of silence, peace and quiet.  I return restored and rejuvenated.  I go on vacation every time I look at my watch!

"Sorry about that chief, but I haven't figured out how to text on this thing yet."