HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

THIS TITLE IS LONG BECAUSE THE AUTHOR COULD NOT THINK OF A SHORT TITLE THAT APPLIED TO THE CONTENT

Taking the high road is not the same as traveling high on the road.


Flies should get screened for diseases.


Eating a healthy diet reduces your risk of starvation.


If you smoke, take it easy and cool down.


How many people beat cancer, and do not get charged with assault?


Where does God go for medical checkups?


Your risk of dying increases after age 103.


Did someone's derrière die, or is this the end?

I HOPE . . .

I hope God never contracts out the angels' jobs to a private company.  Can you imagine having to pay for the protection of guardian angels?


I hope my harp never becomes a harpy.


I hope cigarettes never get cancer.


I hope a head of cabbage never has a bad hair day.


I hope, after I die, that I come back as a beneficiary to my life insurance policy.


I hope I don't get dirty after I fall in love.


I hope The Pope can cope with priests who grope.


I hope The never divorces End.

QUOTES NEVER SAID . . .

"I want to end the world, but there's no point.  Humans are so distracted with their smartphones, texting and Internet that they'd never notice."

                                          - God

"How wonderful!  I get credit for the evil people do, and they think it's me!"

                                                                                                   - Satan

"I hope humans and their innards are around forever."

                                       - Cancer

"Is that a person, or is it only the sunlight reflecting off shiny flies?"

                                - A Flying Saucer 

"I have waaay too much money.  I wish I had less."

                      - A Single Mother of Six 

"What?  What did you say?"

                          - Vincent Van Gogh 

"Gosh, it doesn't take much to get them all worked up."

                            - Donald Trump 

 

                               - Porky Pig

NOT FUNNY!

"Why do comedians hate performing before zombies?"
"Because the comedians can never kill."



"Is it true that cancer started out as a crab?"



"Would life insurance policies change if reincarnation was proven true?"



"Is it appropriate to make fart jokes and laugh during the funeral for an asshole?"



Is the end of life as fun as the beginning?

CONSPIRACIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED

Elvis Presley killed President John F. Kennedy because Kennedy had an affair with one of Elvis' girlfriends.  Elvis faked his own death to avoid getting caught.  Elvis also killed Michael Jackson because Jackson found out about Elvis killing Kennedy and was going to expose Elvis.
Elvis remains at large.  There are rumors that he is living somewhere in Argentina with Adolph Hitler. 

 ***

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was an undercover cop working to bust a cocaine cartel run by the CIA.  The CIA effectively stopped Rob Ford by creating a cocaine video about Ford taking cocaine.  The CIA leaked the video to the press.  The CIA also gave Rob Ford cancer.

*** 

A polluted ghost appeared to some members of Greenpeace and said, "Climate change is caused by hot air from politicians."

***

The numbers 5 + 4 and 8 + 3 were behind 911.

***

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche killed God, and took his job.  (That's why things aren't going too well.)

***

"The truth is out there."

"Yeah?  Tell it to get inside before it catches a cold."

HOW MANY CELL PHONES . . .

Q:  Why did the cell phone cross the road?
A:   A chicken was using it and asking, "Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me now?"

Q:  Why don't cell phones use drugs?
A:  Because they are already wired.

Q:  How many cell phones does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Changing light bulbs is not in the contract.

Q:  What happened when a cell phone died and went to Heaven?

A:  St. Peter sent it back with a new battery. 

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE RUSTY FILE CABINET IN THE DUSTY ATTIC OF MY MUSTY MIND . . .

To ensure its passengers had a safe weekend, the Titanic waited until early Monday morning to sink.

***

A Father knows best when he keeps his mouth shut and listens to Mother.

***

What you won't see with a promotional ad selling Internet connections:
  SIGN UP WITH US AND WE'LL GIVE YOU FREE AGGRAVATION AND FREE BAD SERVICE!

***

I wish garbage cans came with instructions.

***

Advocacy Groups:    

                             - Golf Clubs Against Hard Balls

                             - Wrinkles Against Irons

                             - Tumors Against Cures for Cancer   

                             - Advocacy Group Against Silly Advocacy Groups

***

Do fish use moisturizers?

***

Do sleeping bags ever suffer from insomnia?

***

DOG SURVIVES  VICIOUS ATTACK BY PACK OF CHILDREN!

***

I used to be a metronome, but I got ticked off and quit.

***

Would the Titanic have sunk if the iceberg had stopped for the stop sign?

***

Each time I stop at a stop sign, I give thanks that there are no such things as invisible cars.