"Did You Have A Nice . . . ?"

When you travel anywhere, someone will always ask, "Did you have a nice trip?"  This does not happen when you travel by public transit in Toronto (TTC).  Travel anywhere via TTC, and someone will ask, 

"Did you have a nice delay?"

"Yes, it was wonderful!  We sat in a subway tunnel for 17 minutes.  The packed subway allowed us to feel really close to each other.  We enjoyed hearing the TTC announcer repeat, a gazillion times, how sorry the TTC was for any inconvenience the delay may cause."

Not All About Bed Bugs

A bed bug walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And the bed bug said, "I'll have a Bloody Mary, please."

"Sorry," said the bartender, "but we are out of Mary's."

"Then bring me a Bloody Joseph."

"Okay," said the bartender.

"How many bed bugs does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Just one, but first it has to increase its size and grow hands."

"But I thought bed bugs like dark places."

"They do."

"So why would a bed bug change a light bulb?"

"Just to be part of this joke."

"What's the difference between bed bugs and food?"

"I dunno."

"Well, I won't be asking you to buy groceries."

"Why did the bed bug cross the road?"

"To get groceries?"

"No, to get to the hotel on the other side."

"Why aren't bed bugs overweight?"

"I dunno."

"Because they can go a year without eating."

Is there such a thing as a vampire bed bug?

The bed bug finished its Bloody Joesph and was about to leave when the bartender asked, "So, what brings you to Toronto?"

And the bed bug said, "It's the bed bug capital of Canada.  Bed bugs from around the world come to Toronto to have bloody fun.  And the hotels in Toronto give bed bugs group discount rates."

"I see," said the bartender. "Well then, Happy Biting."  

https://torontosun.com/news/local-news/toronto-tops-in-canada-for-bed-bugs-new-list-says

Not All About Extreme Cold In Toronto

Toronto's waterfront on December 28, 2017. CITYNEWS

The city of Toronto under extreme cold weather alert . . . 




"Why did the extreme cold cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it was part of the weather and weather doesn't stay on one side of the street."


"Why is there no snow in Toronto?"
"Why?"
"The snow left because it was too cold."


"It's so cold in Toronto."
"How cold is it?"
"It's so cold that Spring won't visit Toronto until it gets warmer.
"It's so cold that thermometers can't get it up.
"It's so cold that even icebergs are freezing."


"Why isn't the North Pole in Toronto?"
"Why?"
"It's too cold."
"How cold is it?"
"It's so cold that some people forget that they asked questions already answered?"

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Extreme cold weather."

"Extreme cold weather who?"

"Never mind the questions.  Open the damn door and let me in.  I'm freezing!"

"How many extreme cold weather alerts does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many?"

"None.  The light bulb quickly changes itself and moves to a warmer climate."

All About Bedbugs

A bedbug walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

The bedbug said, "Bring me a Mary, please, and I'll make her Bloody."

"Why did the bedbug cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It was following a Mary who ran from the bar."

"How many bedbugs does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many?"

Two.  One to change the light bulb, and the other to change the light bulb."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Neither do bedbugs changing light bulbs."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who is there?"

"Aren't you."

"Aren't you who?"

"Aren't you glad I'm not a bedbug?"

"Where do bedbugs like to shop?"

"Where?"

"Everywhere except a pesticide store."

Movie - Bloody War -  Bedbugs join forces with vampires to fight the Red Cross for a blood bank.

(Based on the novel by Itchy Saurez)

If The Beatles had been The Bedbugs, then some of their song titles would be,
I Wanna Scratch Your Hand
Eleanor Biteme
Bloody Lane
Beds In Fields Forever
All You Need Is Blood
She Bites You
All My Scratching
Can't Buy Me Pesticides
Scratch and Shout
Nowhere Bug

http://www.torontosun.com/2017/08/01/bedbugs-gone-wild

Reasons For Toronto Public Transit Delays

Everyday Toronto's public transit system gets delayed.  Here are some reasons:

- Union rules call for at least one delay per day.

- It's a secret, but trees take public transit.  Their roots often get stuck in the subway tracks.

- Transit workers stage mini strikes for various reasons.

-  All vehicles get two 15 minute breaks and a half hour for lunch.

-  A dog ate the vehicle schedules.

-  Delays are Donald Trump's fault.  Why not?  He gets blamed for everything else.

-  Giant rats have taken over the subway tunnels.

-  Delays are part of a Russian plot to fix U.S. elections. (What is the connection between Toronto's public transit and U.S. elections?  We don't know, but the FBI is investigating.)

-  Delays are done on purpose.  Every day, Toronto's public transit asks, "How many people can we make late today?"

Six Reasons Why It Stopped Raining in Toronto

Something must be wrong.  It's not raining in Toronto. The skies are overcast, but no rain. According to our weatherologists, it was supposed to rain until Monday or Tuesday.  Here are six possible reasons why it stopped:

- God is getting old and forgetful.  He started to flood the world a second time, but got distracted.

- The Union of Weather Workers went on strike, and Management is doing its best to keep the weather coming.

- Mother Nature ran out of rain, and the Weather Workers' strike is delaying the delivery of more.

- The clouds are waiting for us to wash our cars.

- A plumber finally fixed the leaking pipes in Heaven.



"Wait a minute.  Your title says six reasons and you only gave five."

Really?  So I did.  Sorry, but some of the rain must have gotten into my brain.

Six Reasons for Several Days of Rain in Toronto

It started raining yesterday, in Toronto, and there is no end predicted for the next several days.  Here are six reasons for the rain:

-  Heaven has leaky pipes, and God lost his cell phone so he can't call a plumber.

- The sky is crying because of all the air pollution.

- The clouds want to lose weight so they can fit into their summer clothing.

- Mother Nature wants to make Earth a little better by washing some people off the planet.

- A giant forgot to turn off the tap in his bathtub.

And the final reason for the rain is because . . . just because. 

HOW HOT WAS IT IN TORONTO?

How hot was it in Toronto?  It was so hot that . . . 


- The Equator cancelled its vacation, in Toronto, for fear of getting heatstroke. 


- Deodorants started sweating and smelling.


- The CN Tower jumped into Lake Ontario to cool off, and quickly resumed its position before anyone noticed.


- Ice cream cones started eating themselves to keep cool.


- Electric fans and air conditioning units demanded triple pay.


- My laptop started to mel-

 

SOME SIGNS THAT MAKE ME THINK . . .

 

What a great deal!  Five dollars every two weeks to belong to a gym? 

What's that under the EVERY TWO WEEKS?  

+JOINING FEE  & TAXES.      Hmmm . . . 

I can understand the New Look and Fresh Content, but do newspapers today need More Entertainment?

Are there any places that sell Stale Donuts?  Why would you need a sign to say that you sell fresh donuts? 

Also, I always thought that doughnuts was how to spell doughnuts.   I see donuts and think doonuts which I suspect is a sexually transmitted disease.

This sign is on all  garbage cans on The Toronto Transit Commission's (TTC) property.  That means all the garbage cans in all bus and subway stations have this sign.  Ride the Rocket is symbolically saying, "Take the TTC."  Why do you need a sign on a garbage can, on TTC property, telling people to take the TTC?  If people see the garbage can, then they are already riding the rocket. 

Also, do we need a sign on a garbage can telling us that Toronto is clean and beautiful?  Does Toronto need its good qualities advertised on garbage cans?

Some of the pencil containers at the North York Central Library have a sign that says, Please Do Not Remove Pencils.

Aren't the pencils for public use?   Are the pencil containers with this sign really art exhibits with the pencils playing a key role?

CONSPIRACIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED

Elvis Presley killed President John F. Kennedy because Kennedy had an affair with one of Elvis' girlfriends.  Elvis faked his own death to avoid getting caught.  Elvis also killed Michael Jackson because Jackson found out about Elvis killing Kennedy and was going to expose Elvis.
Elvis remains at large.  There are rumors that he is living somewhere in Argentina with Adolph Hitler. 

 ***

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was an undercover cop working to bust a cocaine cartel run by the CIA.  The CIA effectively stopped Rob Ford by creating a cocaine video about Ford taking cocaine.  The CIA leaked the video to the press.  The CIA also gave Rob Ford cancer.

*** 

A polluted ghost appeared to some members of Greenpeace and said, "Climate change is caused by hot air from politicians."

***

The numbers 5 + 4 and 8 + 3 were behind 911.

***

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche killed God, and took his job.  (That's why things aren't going too well.)

***

"The truth is out there."

"Yeah?  Tell it to get inside before it catches a cold."

PERFECT HEALTH AND IMMORTALITY

Imagine if suddenly we never got sick and lived forever.  How wonderful that would be--at least for us.  Think about the consequences perfect health and immortality would bring.

We have perfect health and never get sick.  No need for doctors, nurses, hospitals, drug companies, pharmacists, chiropractors and other health practitioners.  

We live forever.  No need for funeral directors, body removal services, grave diggers, cemeteries, and other people who make their money from death.

What would all these unemployed people do?  They would become experts on being jobless, but could they make money at it? 

What about the population?  No one dies and more babies are born.  If there wasn't birth control, then Earth would become like Toronto's public transit system where people stand on other people's shoulders because all the seats are taken.

As much as doctors, nurses, funeral directors, et al., may show concern, unconsciously they want all of us to get sick and die.  

THE THINGS YOU SEE ON THE SUBWAY

It is afternoon rush hour in Toronto.  I get on the northbound Yonge Subway at Eglinton Avenue.  All the seats are taken, but it is not that crowded leaving some room for living between those of us who are standing.

Across from me, also standing, is a nice-looking blonde woman.  She is wearing a pink parka and blue jeans.  She is holding an almost-full bottle of water upright near her mouth.  The cap is on the bottle.  She starts running her tongue up and down the bottle.  Then she starts kissing and sucking the bottle.  

I was going to make some smart-ass comment, but she looked as if she was missing some batteries from her vibrator.  Past experience has taught me that crazy people do not take kindly to smart-ass comments.  I kept my mouth shut.

The women around us pretended not to notice what was going on.  They either looked in every other direction away from the subway porn star, or they buried they eyes deep in their books and magazines.

We men did no pretending.  When we weren’t watching the performance, we looked at each other and laughed with our eyes.

The subway porn star only performed for one stop.  She got off at Lawrence Avenue taking her happy water bottle with her.

What would come over a woman to start licking, kissing and sucking a bottle of water?  Was she practicing asking her boss for a raise?