QUOTES FROM THINGS THAT CAN'T TALK

"I'm short."

         - Life

"I like it when they blow me."

                                                                - A Forest Fire 

  

"Gawd those people stink!"

                                                                 - A Pile of Garbage

"I'm bored!  Is there more to life than going around the sun?"

                                                                     - Mars

"Hair today and hair tomorrow."

                                                                      - A Comb

"I have myself and still I'm not happy."

                                                                        - Money

"There's got to be more to forever than going on and on and on and on.

                                                                        - Eternity

"Am I all that bad?"

                                                                 - Crime       

"That red planet looks bored."

                                                                 - Earth  

"Will I ever get a job?"

                                                                   - Work

"I wish I had a mind to change."

                                                                   - Whim

"Going.  Going."

                                                             - Gone         

PERFECT HEALTH AND IMMORTALITY

Imagine if suddenly we never got sick and lived forever.  How wonderful that would be--at least for us.  Think about the consequences perfect health and immortality would bring.

We have perfect health and never get sick.  No need for doctors, nurses, hospitals, drug companies, pharmacists, chiropractors and other health practitioners.  

We live forever.  No need for funeral directors, body removal services, grave diggers, cemeteries, and other people who make their money from death.

What would all these unemployed people do?  They would become experts on being jobless, but could they make money at it? 

What about the population?  No one dies and more babies are born.  If there wasn't birth control, then Earth would become like Toronto's public transit system where people stand on other people's shoulders because all the seats are taken.

As much as doctors, nurses, funeral directors, et al., may show concern, unconsciously they want all of us to get sick and die.  

OVERHEARD

"When I grow up," said the little breeze, "I want to be a hurricane and help people move."

***

"I wish more humans appreciated me," said Earth.

***

"I want to measure up in everything I do," said the ruler.

***

"Why can't I put my human on silence?" asks the cell phone.

***

"I like to drink out of that bowl.  I wish my master would stop peeing in it," said the dog.

***

"Oh the stories I could tell!  I should write a book," said the fly on the wall.

***

"This is it," said The End.

SOME STORY IDEAS

A Martian named Mertz comes to Earth to study the planet and its inhabitants.  Mertz abandons his research when he falls in love with a street lamp.  Mertz and the street lamp elope.  Soon a search party from Mars arrives to look for Mertz, but Mertz  does not want to be found.  He is living happily ever after with the street lamp.  The search party has many adventures in the search for Mertz as does Mertz and the street lamp in trying not to be found.

***

A Biblical story - God is charged with adultery for impregnating Mary while she is still married to Joseph.  Joseph divorces Mary and moves to India to become a Buddhist.  Mary, now alone with God's child, takes God to court to get child support.  

***

A shoe discovers its sole is broken.  The shoe has many adventures trying to find a metaphysician to mend its sole.  One of the shoe's adventures involves sharing a taxi with a Martian and a street lamp.

***

A gary writes a blog about ideas for stories, but he has no idea how to end this blog.  His blog just goes on and on and on and on.  Soon word spreads about the gary's never-ending blog.  People from around the world start paying to see the gary writing his never-ending blog.  The gary becomes rich, and builds a rocket.  He travels to Mars to study the planet and its inhabitants . . .

IN THE BEGINNING . . .

In the beginning there was me.  I was all there was.  I was all there ever would be.  My wonderful, self-centered existence would have continued forever if God had not ruined it.

For unknown reasons, God created the Heavens and the Earth and the rest of the damn Universe.  I was no longer the center of things.  I was not even close to the center, and nothing revolved around me.

God has a habit of hampering things.  You make plans, and everything is going along fine.  Then God creates a universe, or sends something like a flood or an earthquake, and there's a crimp in your plans.

I have been calling God for eons, but God's secretary says that God is always off somewhere creating other universes.  

Other universes?  God creating other universes?  How comforting to know that I am not the only one who is no longer self-centered.

ON IMMUNE SYSTEMS . . .

An immune system walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The immune system says, "I need something to make me stronger."

The bartender says, "I have just what you need."

The bartender goes away and then comes back with plenty of sunshine; exercise; and a diet high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and low in saturated fats.

The immune system looks at what the bartender brought and says, "I'm sorry, but this looks too dull and too much like work.  Have you got a cigarette, and can you bring me some pizza and a beer?"

***

Q:  Why did the immune system cross the road?

A:  To protect the road from vampires.

***

***

Human beings exist because Earth's immune system is not working properly.

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***

EARTH FOR SALE

Asking 2 Trillion Gazillion Dollars*

• 196,939,900 square miles
• Lots of parking space
• Easy access to the Moon
• Comes with its own atmosphere  
• Close to other planets

*Price includes 7 billion human beings plus all the other earthlings

***  

ORGANIC POISON FOR SALE

Murderers poison your victims in a healthy way . . . 

***


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HELLIONS 'R' US
666 Incubus Way
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***  

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In mint condition
Rarely used
Two Cents or Best Offer
Call . . . 

***   

THE END FOR SALE
No reasonable offer refused

 

I AM GRATEFUL

Every time I stop at a stop sign, I am grateful that there are no such things as invisible cars.

I am grateful that a black hole has not swallowed the Earth.  What would we pollute if there was no Earth?
 

I am grateful to our politicians who always show us the difference between lies and lies.

I am grateful that I sleep when I nap.

I am grateful that night follows day.  Can you imagine what life would be like if day followed night?

I am grateful that I am capable of giving thanks for being grateful.

Often, the world is grateful that I run out of ideas.

SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATIONS FROM FLYING SAUCERS . . .

 

ALIEN REPORT I

The human beings call it "winter" here in the Northern Hemisphere.   The Earth is tilted on its axis away from the Sun.  Temperatures are so low that water freezes.

Humans have an odd winter activity.  They attach metal blades to their feet and balance themselves on frozen water.  Then they move around and around in oblong circles which is usually the shape of the large container holding the frozen water.   Sometimes the humans move clockwise, and sometimes they move counter clockwise.  Whatever the direction, they keep going round and round and round and round and round and round and . . .  

It does not take much to amuse human beings.
   

WELCOME TO EARTH . . .

Welcome to Earth.  Although no one will admit it, we are in the midst of World War III.  The great world powers are using the lesser world powers to fight WW III by proxy.  That way we can deny that WW III is happening, and feel safe.  So far, the only people winning WW III are those who make weapons.

We have many, many religions here.  These religions are the result of human error and misunderstanding, and have nothing to do with God.

Some of us appear not to like our planet Earth by the way we treat it.  It seems that we can't see the forest for the money from the trees.  Fortunately Earth is not like us and is not prone to revenge.  Earth does its best to support us no matter what we do.  Who knows how long Earth will show us such patience?

We would not be prone to revenge if we realized that we are human beings, and have more in common with each other than differences.  But we do not like thinking of ourselves as human beings.   Deep down we know that as human beings we are ignorant and irrational.  We deny this by thinking of ourselves as American, Canadian, Mexican, French, etc.  Perhaps if we saw ourselves as human beings, then there would be no WW III.
 
We all have courage, but most of us are afraid to use it. 

In spite of our ignorance and irrationality, we mean well. 

That is all I can think of for now.  I am not sure how long you are planning to stay, but you will get along fine if you do not think.

Thank you for choosing Earth.

7 1/2 REASONS I WILL NOT LIVE ON MARS

All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go.  Here are my reasons: 

1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire.  I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.

2 - There are no nuts on Mars.  Let me qualify that.  There are no nuts that you eat on Mars.  I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive.  Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.

3 - Red is not my favorite color.

4 - A Martian year is 686 days long.  I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.

5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth.  Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks.  Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists.  Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.

6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.

7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.

7 1/2 -  Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*

*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is." 

AND DON'T FORGET TO FILL OUT THE ONLINE SURVEY . . .

 

 

AN APOCALYPSE, ANYONE?

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The apocalypse says, "Give me a zombie, please."

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and stares sadly off into space.  The bartender asks, "Why are you sad?"
The apocalypse says, "My religion doesn't understand me."

***

Q:  Why did the apocalypse cross the road?
A:  It was following a chicken.

***

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get to another religion.

***

Q:  How many apocalypses does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One.  One apocalypse will change everything.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"
"Apocalypse."
Apocalypse who?"
"Apocalypse Now."

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter?

A:  A big sticky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with rotten eggs?
A:  A big stinky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter and rotten eggs?

A:  The inside of a baby's diaper.

***

Q:  What's the difference between an apocalypse and food?
A:  You don't know?  You must have some interesting meals.

***

Q:  What did the apocalypse say to doomsday?

A:   Apocalypse said, "Is this it?"

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "The End Is Here!"

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: