STUPID PIZZA JOKES

Aren't you glad that pizzas don't taste the way they look?



"I'll have a pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, tomatoes and ants, please."
"Ants?"
"Yes, ants.  The pizza is for a picnic.  With all the cutbacks, people have to bring their own ants.  



One day scientists will discover that the Moon is only a large pizza with no toppings.



When will someone invent a pizza that delivers itself?



"How come you always get to be on top?" said the pizza dough to the cheese.



Do pizzas ever get cheesed off?



"Do you know how pizza's change light bulbs?"
"How?"
"Very carefully because pizzas have no hands."



"Why did the pizza cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was cheesed off with a funny bone technician, and wanted to get away from his blog."

ON EXCUSES

"Where's your dog?"
A homework monster ate it."



"Sorry, but I can't have you over for dinner.  I'm using my knives for something else, and can't prepare food properly," said Jack The Ripper.



"Sorry I can't come to your picnic.  During the day is not a good time for me," said Dracula. 



"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do" really means,
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I will do. You're not rich and powerful and cannot affect my career."



"I can't write today.  My pen is in the drawer, and the paper is way over there on the shelf."



"Hi boss?  It's me.  I can't come to work today.  I have Alzheimer's disease.  And I'll have 4 Cokes as well.  How long before the pizza arrives?"



"I would love to be your leader, but I didn't get enough votes,"  said Hillary.



"I want to be honest, but I don't want to ruin it for my coworkers," said the politician.



"I would love to come up with more excuses, but I have to deliver some cokes and a pizza."

ON IMMUNE SYSTEMS . . .

An immune system walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The immune system says, "I need something to make me stronger."

The bartender says, "I have just what you need."

The bartender goes away and then comes back with plenty of sunshine; exercise; and a diet high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and low in saturated fats.

The immune system looks at what the bartender brought and says, "I'm sorry, but this looks too dull and too much like work.  Have you got a cigarette, and can you bring me some pizza and a beer?"

***

Q:  Why did the immune system cross the road?

A:  To protect the road from vampires.

***

***

Human beings exist because Earth's immune system is not working properly.

SEVEN THINGS GUYS SHOULD NOT SAY SEVEN DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, would you like tickets to a basketball game instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day?"

***

"Hey Sweetheart, how about this year, for Valentine's Day, I get you a toolbox full of tools and chocolates?"

***

"I'm not buying you any chocolates this year for Valentine's Day.  You're already too fat.  I'll still get you roses since you can't eat them."

 ***

"Let's do something different this year for Valentine's Day.  Let's pretend that it does not exist and February 14 is just another day.  That way you won't feel bad if we have an argument."

***

"Some of the guys have a poker game planned for the fourteenth.  You didn't have anything planned, did you?"

***

"What are you telling me now for?  It's still a week away.  Remind me in seven days and we'll go out for pizza and beer."

***

"Look, I wanna know now so I don't waste my money.  Am I gonna get laid if I buy you a bouquet of red roses?"