All About Monsters

"Why did Frankenstein cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To be in this blog."


"Why did Dracula keep crossing the road back and forth and back and forth?"
"Why?"
"Because he was batty."


Is it true The Wolf Man pays more for a haircut during a full moon?


Godzilla walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Aaaaaahhhhh!"  
Godzilla crushed the bar, the bartender, and solved the bar's problem with rats.


"What's The Mummy's favorite food?"
"I dunno."
"A wrap."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?

"The."

"The who."

"The Invisible Man."

"But I can't see you."

"That's the general idea."

"Gosh," said Frankenstein, "this wasn't worth me crossing the road for."

ON EXCUSES

"Where's your dog?"
A homework monster ate it."



"Sorry, but I can't have you over for dinner.  I'm using my knives for something else, and can't prepare food properly," said Jack The Ripper.



"Sorry I can't come to your picnic.  During the day is not a good time for me," said Dracula. 



"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do" really means,
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I will do. You're not rich and powerful and cannot affect my career."



"I can't write today.  My pen is in the drawer, and the paper is way over there on the shelf."



"Hi boss?  It's me.  I can't come to work today.  I have Alzheimer's disease.  And I'll have 4 Cokes as well.  How long before the pizza arrives?"



"I would love to be your leader, but I didn't get enough votes,"  said Hillary.



"I want to be honest, but I don't want to ruin it for my coworkers," said the politician.



"I would love to come up with more excuses, but I have to deliver some cokes and a pizza."

SPEECH BUBBLES

  

  

WHAT A GORGEOUS WOMAN!

Wow!  What a gorgeous woman!  Should I ask her to marry me, or save my proposal for another time?  I think I will leave my proposal for another time and distract myself by  asking questions . . .


Was Abraham Lincoln upset that he didn't see the end of the play?


Can a grave die?


Does the moon go crazy when it's full?


Does Dracula prefer his blood with red or white wine?


Can I make a difference teaching rabbits birth control?


Has anyone ever heard a crooked crocodile crow while crying crocodile tears?


Did Jesus carry documents to prove he was the Son of God?


Do trees study to become pencils?


How big a ruler would I need to rule the world?


Would I look good in a tight, black dress?


Is Nowhere near here?


Can I stop distracting myself now?

WONDERING ABOUT GOOD NEWS, NEWSPAPERS, MODERN ART, AND OTHER STUFF

If there is a Good News Church, then there must be a Bad News Church.  Are all not welcome at the Bad News Church?  What goes on at the Bad News Church?  Do they sit around reading newspapers and watching television news?  What happens if they come across a good-news story?  Do they ban it?  What day of the week does the Bad News Church have its service?  Monday?

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Why don't people ever take the newspaper from the top of the pile?  If it isn't damaged, then is it contaminated in some way?  People will take newspapers from the middle or several below the top, but rarely from the top?  Why?

***

 

"Farbtafel" by Paul Klee

How old does Modern Art have to be before it is no longer modern?

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When will New York become Old York?

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Does anything ever shock Frankenstein?

***

Is blood breath better than bad breath?

***

Does the Wolfman have to get an estimate from three barbers before an insurance company pays for his haircut? 

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LAST WORDS OF . . .

Frankie The Fire-Breathing Dragon:  "Oh, Saint George, you're not being very polite!"

Count Dracula:  "See you later."

A Great White Shark:  "Yuck!  That human tasted terrible."

God:  "Oh dear, I thought I was immortal."

Gary Johnston:  "Damn!  My bananas are still green."

HONORING DRACULA ON DECEMBER SECOND

Tuesday December 2, 2014, is Dracula Day.  Why?  Just for the hell of it.  No other reason.  December Second has no connection to Dracula or vampires.  So, whether or not December Second sucks, Dracula, this day is for you -- actually only after sunset.


Dracula walks into a bar and the bartender says,"I know, I know, you want a Bloody Mary."
"No," says Dracula, "I'll have a glass of water, please."
"Water?  Water?" says the bartender.  "Since when did you start drinking water?"
Dracula replies, "Ever since Frankenstein caught Ebola from The Wolfman." 


"Hello Mr. Dracula?  Yes, this is your bank manager calling.  I am calling to let you know that your bank account is still in the red . . ."

Q:  Why did Dracula cross the road?

A:  To take his clothes to the cleaners.

  

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SAID IT BEST . . .

William Shakespeare said it best, "It's fucking cold outside!"

 

William Shakespeare also said, "Who the hell wrote my plays?"

The last words of Socrates? "Hey!  I asked for Kool-Aid.  This isn't Kool-Aid." 


Walt Disney said this?  "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." (Google this quote if you doubt me)  



"This play is boring.  Something better happen soon or else I'm leaving."
                                    - Abraham Lincoln


"I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and tears.  I haven't got Ebola so everyone should be okay."
                                  - Winston Churhill 
 "Can I have one of the three?"
                       - Dracula to Winston


 "I'm spending waay too much money on razors!"
                           - The Wolfman


"The End is near!"
              - A Flea on a Dog's Tail

ARE THERE SUCH THINGS AS RANDOM QUESTIONS?

Does the sky ever sing the blues?

Should AIDS, SARS, and Ebola slow down Dracula?  Shouldn't he give his victims a blood test and wait for results before he bites?

Do light bulbs always have bright ideas?

Am I attracting Good Luck?  A flying horseshoe hit me in the head.  I'm okay, but the horseshoe required stitches.  

Will my imagination lose weight if I put it on a diet of fat-free ideas?

Can a question exist without an answer?


Are there such things as random questions?  Can "Wood comes from trees" be an answer to this question?   

I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING . . .

I want to complain about everything, but I don't know where to begin.

Why does this picture have nothing to do with this blog?

 
Why are books made into movies?  Why can't they just let them be books?

Why are Blackberry keypads so small?

Why is Dracula so bloody ugly?   

Why don't zombies use deodorant?
 
Why doesn't hair fall out of my armpits and crotch instead of my head?

Why do I cry when I spill milk?

Why does this blog have to end when I was just getting started?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COUNT DRACULA!

"You made Gaylord the subject of a blog.  I want to be the subject of one, too."

Are you going to tell me that Dracula isn't your real name?

"No, Dracula is my name."
 
Well?  Why do you want to be the subject of a blog?

"To help me launch my stand-up comedy career.  I want to do stand-up comedy.  I can be funny at times.  Would you like to hear a routine?"

I thought you would never ask.

"Being dead is not fun at times.  Spending my days in my coffin is okay -- unless I have a cold.   Then I spend my time coughing in my coffin.  I pretty much have to let the cold run its course.  I can't take any garlic for it . . . 
You're not laughing."

No I'm not.  

"You don't think I'm funny?"

That bit wasn't that funny to me.  Someone else may find it gut-splitting.

"Perhaps I should stick to sucking blood instead of trying to kill on stage?"

Wow!  You have a fear of failure?  Have you ever been afraid to bite someone because you wouldn't suck their blood right?

"No, I'm confident at being a vampire.  I have a fear of failing as a comedian."

What does your heart tell you to do?

"My heart tells me to watch out for wooden stakes."

Now that's funny!

  

GAYLORD

Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolfman walk into a bar.
"What will it be?"  asks the bartender.
"I'll have a Bloody Mary," says Dracula.
The Wolfman says, "I will have a -- "


"I don't like this joke!  And I don't want to share a blog with Dracula and The Wolfman."

Okay, Frankenstein, I'll make this your blog.  What would you like me to say?

"Well, the first thing is that my name is not Frankenstein."

But that is what everyone calls you.

"I know, and they are wrong.  Frankenstein is the surname of  Doctor Victor Frankenstein.  He created me.  I was known as Frankenstein's Monster.  It got shortened to Frankenstein, but my name is Gaylord."

Gaylord?

"Yes, Gaylord.  You got a problem with that?"

Uh-er-no-er Gaylord.

"Good."

How did you get the name Gaylord?

"As you know, I was made from various body parts.  My arms came from Rupert.  My legs came from Archibald.  My head came from Poindexter.  And my torso, with my heart, came from Gaylord.  I liked the name Gaylord the best."

That's interesting, Gaylord.  Is there anything else about yourself you want to tell us?

"Yes.  I enjoy long walks along the graveyard.  I also enjoy sticking my fingers in electrical sockets."

Are you looking for a mate?

"Yes I am.  That's one of the reasons I did not want to be in the joke with Dracula and The Wolfman.  I don't like hanging out with them because they scare people away.  How can I meet anyone if Dracula and The Wolfman scare people away?"

I guess you can't.

"Thanks for making this blog about me.  I have to go.  I have an appointment with my shrink.  She's helping me to get over my get over my fear of fire.  She's also helping me to be at one with my body parts."

One quick question before you go.  What drink would you have ordered in the bar if you had not stepped out of the joke?

"I would have ordered a Direct Current."