Not All About Whacky Ideas

A whacky idea walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

The whacky idea said, "I'll have something off the wall, please."

The bartender took a picture of a light bulb from the wall, and served it to the whacky idea.  The whacky idea drank the picture, paid and left.

A book about sleep disorders that folds out to be a bed.

"How many whacky ideas does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Just one, but the light bulb has to be crazy."

"How can a light bulb be crazy?"

"I don't know, but whacky ideas do not change sane light bulbs."

A hole that digs shovels.

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A whacky idea."

"A whacky idea who?"

"A whacky idea who is looking for work changing crazy light bulbs."

"How can a light bulb be crazy?"

"When it gets tired of being turned off and on and off and on, it becomes bipolar."

Hotdogs with mustard that tastes like relish, relish that tastes like ketchup, and ketchup that tastes like mustard. 

Weights that lift themselves for people who hate to exercise.

"Why did the whacky idea cross the road?"

"I dunno."

"To get rejected on the other side."

"Who was on the other side to reject the whacky idea?"

"About 7 billion people."

"And what was the whacky idea?"

"That human beings could live together in peace."

All About Ideas

"How many ideas does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Fifty.  One to change the bulb, and 49 to suggest better ways to do it."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"An idea."

"An idea who?"

"An idea E Equals M C Squared."

"Uh?"

"E Equals M C Squared."

"I don't get it."

"Is this Albert Einstein's house?"

"No."

"Sorry, wrong address."

"Why did the idea cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To be with 48 other ideas suggesting better ways to change a light bulb."

"Why did the idea cross the road?"

"To be with 48 other ideas?"

"No, to go to Albert Einstein's house."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"An idea."

"An idea who?"

"An idea that you don't know who is at your door."

An idea walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

The idea said, "I'll have something original, please."

The bartender left and then returned with this blog.  

The idea took a sip of this blog and said, "It's original, but poor quality."

ON PROCRASTINATION

CREATIVE PROCRASTINATION 101

If you're just getting started as a procrastinator, and haven't decided what you are going to put off doing, then this course gives you the opportunity to put off a selection of different tasks.  (We'll get back to you about location and cost.)


A procrastinator walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The procrastinator said, "Uhhh . . . "


"How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one, but he or she may never get around to doing it." 


"Why did the procrastinator cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"To avoid doing things on the other side."


"Have you decided what you want?" asked the bartender.
"Yes," replied the procrastinator.
"Well?  What?"
"I want more time to decide."  


"What's a procrastinator's favorite word?"
"What?"
"No, not 'What.'  It's tomorrow."


"Why didn't the procrastinator draw a circle?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"Because he never got around to it."

 


"Look," said the bartender, "I'm running a business here.  If you can't decide what you want, then I'm going to ask you to leave."
"Okay," said the procrastinator, "I want a drink. . . "
"Well?  What kind of drink?"
"A Gin and tonic," said the procrastinator.
"Hallelujah!  He finally ordered a drink.  One Gin and tonic coming up."
"Wait a minute," said the procrastinator.  I'd like a Gin and tonic, but can I drink it tomorrow?"

ON DEATH

Does Death have a degree in philosophy?  What about religion?  Which religion is Death?



Death walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Oh no!"
"Don't worry," says Death, "I'm not here for you."
"Then why are you here?" asks the bartender.
"A drink.  I came in here for a drink."
"What would you like?  Whatever you want is on the house."
"Why thank you," says Death.  "I'll have a-"
But the joke suddenly died.  That's okay.  It wasn't funny anyway.

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?

"Death."

"Death who?"

"That's an odd way to sneeze."

Does Death ever get tired of being punishment?

"How many deaths does it take it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many?"

"342."

"Why so many?"

"Don't know.  Everyone is afraid to ask."

"What is Death's favorite color?"

"I don't know.  What is Death's favorite color?"

"Bleak."

"Why did Death cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why did Death cross the road?"

"To get to The End."

ALL ABOUT GAWK

"Why did the gawk cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To stare on the other side."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Gawk."

"Gawk who?"

"Aren't you supposed to say 'Yahoo' when you're happy?"

"How many gawks does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two.  One to change the bulb and the other to gawk."

HEADLINE:  GAWK CHARGED FOR STEALING STARES

"What does a gawk see when it gawks?"

"I don't know."

"Whatever it is gawking at."

If God was a gawk, then his holy book would be The Eyeble.

HEADLINE:  GAY GAWK FIGHTS FOR SAME-STARE MARRIAGE

A gawk walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What are you gawking at?"

And the gawk says, "Duh . . .  The End?"

EVERYWHERE (AND SOME CRAP)

Question:  Why did Everywhere cross the street?

Answer:  Because it was the other side.

 

Listen.

Our ancestors speak to us

Through wind chimes and stones.

"What's that doing here?" says my blog.

"It just came to me so I wrote it down," says I.

"I would prefer you to stick to stuff that is supposed to be funny, and forget the philosophical-poetry crap."

"Okay."

Everywhere walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

Everywhere says, "I'll have everything, please."

The bartender takes awhile, but he fixes everything and brings it to Everywhere.  He says to Everywhere, "Haven't I seen you around?"

Everywhere says, "I should hope so!"

Everywhere finishes its everything and leaves the bar to go where it is.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Everywhere."

"Everywhere who?"

"Never mind.  If you have to ask, then you're not paying attention."

Question:  How many everywhere's does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  One.  There is only one everywhere.

The wind blows the past

Through pines 

Making history endless

"That's it!" says my blog.

"I'm sorry, but it slipped out."  

"I'm not giving you another chance for any more crap to slip out.   We're done for today."

ARE THERE SUCH THINGS AS RANDOM QUESTIONS?

Does the sky ever sing the blues?

Should AIDS, SARS, and Ebola slow down Dracula?  Shouldn't he give his victims a blood test and wait for results before he bites?

Do light bulbs always have bright ideas?

Am I attracting Good Luck?  A flying horseshoe hit me in the head.  I'm okay, but the horseshoe required stitches.  

Will my imagination lose weight if I put it on a diet of fat-free ideas?

Can a question exist without an answer?


Are there such things as random questions?  Can "Wood comes from trees" be an answer to this question?   

GREAT INVENTIONS THAT EXIST ONLY IN THIS BLOG

Steam-Engine Wrist Watch   (Never needs batteries, but you may burn your wrist if you are not careful)



Me Phone  (For people with English that ain't that good)



Flying Butter  (Will be a great invention when someone invents flying bread)



Heavy Bulb  (Lasts a thousand times longer than a Light Bulb)



We interrupt this blog to bring you Space, The Final Frontier . . .


















We now return you to this blog about great inventions . . .



Mistakes That Erase Themselves  (A politician's dream)



Black and White Rainbows  (For people who cannot see colors)



Sunshine Memories  (Used on rainy days)



That's Enough  (Used instead of The End)

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL HUMOR?

Q:  How much money does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends upon whether it is a union, or non-union light bulb.

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  It was in a chicken's wallet.

 

 A hundred dollar bill walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "I'll have a glass of milk please."

"Milk?" asks the bartender.  "Since when do you go into a bar and order milk?"

The hundred dollar bill says, "Since when do you talk to hundred dollar bills that walk into your bar?"

 

A chicken gets to the other side of the road, and decides to check its wallet.  The chicken panics when it notices that money is missing.

"My hundred dollars is missing!   My hundred dollars is missing!  My hundred dollars is missing!" screams the chicken over and over and over again.

A man comes along and says, "Calm down.  It's down the street in the bar having a glass of milk."

 

The hundred dollar bill is finishing up its glass of milk when the bartender comes over and says, "I hear that loving your kind is the root of all evil."

The hundred dollar bill slams down its empty glass almost breaking it and says, "I've had enough of this blog!" and walks out.

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."   

AN APOCALYPSE, ANYONE?

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The apocalypse says, "Give me a zombie, please."

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and stares sadly off into space.  The bartender asks, "Why are you sad?"
The apocalypse says, "My religion doesn't understand me."

***

Q:  Why did the apocalypse cross the road?
A:  It was following a chicken.

***

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get to another religion.

***

Q:  How many apocalypses does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One.  One apocalypse will change everything.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"
"Apocalypse."
Apocalypse who?"
"Apocalypse Now."

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter?

A:  A big sticky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with rotten eggs?
A:  A big stinky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter and rotten eggs?

A:  The inside of a baby's diaper.

***

Q:  What's the difference between an apocalypse and food?
A:  You don't know?  You must have some interesting meals.

***

Q:  What did the apocalypse say to doomsday?

A:   Apocalypse said, "Is this it?"

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "The End Is Here!"

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

I am afraid to read books on phobias.

I enjoy any book containing words.

I quit smoking.  It was easy.  I had one cigarette when I was twelve years old, and then I quit.  This is the first time I am announcing it.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person?

I have female intuition.  I used to have male intuition, but got rid of it.  It always said that it was going to call and never did.

One of my goals in life is to be dishwasher safe.

Gary Johnston is in favor of the death penalty as long as no one gets hurt.

Gary Johnston is  waiting for that special person's kiss -- a kiss that will turn him back into a frog.

This post contains letters from the English alphabet.

If I wasn't here, then I'd be somewhere else.

Gary Johnston wishes Gary Johnston the best of luck with his new personality.

Should I get another psychiatrist?  The one I am seeing insists on lying beside me on the couch during our sessions.

Gary Johnston is like a tree.  He is leafing his limited thinking and branching up towards The Light.  He has the confidence to bark at those negative people who try to discourage him.  He is presently battling Dutch Elm Disease.

Gary Johnston admits to being the Chief Executive Hypocrite at Double Standards Incorporated.

Gary Johnston is recovering from being sick in the head.

Out of the blue, came the sky.

Gary Johnston is looking forward to the future when he will be happy living in the present.

Is it true that Pinocchio hated termites?

I can predict the future.  At the end of this sentence, there will be a period.

Is it true that you are reading this?

HOW MANY _____ DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

How many politicians does it take to change one light bulb?

Lots of them . . .  and at great public expense!

How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  That's the electrician's job.  One hundred dollars service charge for the house call, thank you.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  It wasn't the light bulb.  It was faulty wiring in the switch box.  That will be five hundred dollars, please. 

One hundred dollars service charge and four hundred dollars for parts and labor.

How many serial killers does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  Who wants to be in the dark with a serial killer?

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she will not do it because she is blocked.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he will rehearse doing it many times before he actually does it.

How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

How many would you like?

How many thieves does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you better watch him do it.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he’ll do it later.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

You have to be hypnotized to find out.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but first he will tell you how it was the conservatives’ fault that the light burned out, and then he will change the bulb.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They will get a private company to do it after telling you that liberals cause lights to burn out.

How many people who give bad advice does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he won’t do it.  He’ll tell you to call a plumber.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That job has gone to Mexico.  

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?

One.       Light bulbs give light

                To make things all bright.

                Change it I might

                Before it is night.

How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

One million . . .  Just joking.  Two.  One comedian to open for the other who changes the bulb.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It is beneath them to do it.  You better call a plumber.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?  
One.  Why do light bulbs burn out?  If a light bulb burns out in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still get dark?  What is the meaning of darkness?  Is darkness The End?