It's All About 2017

2017 walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Get out!  You're too early.  Come back at midnight."



"Why did 2017 cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To meet January First for a date."



"How many 2017s does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"One.  There is only one 2017, but it does not change light bulbs.  2017 will change you.  By the time 2017 is done, you will be older and wiser -- well perhaps just older."



2017 is on the couch in a psychiatrist's office.  It says to the psychiatrist, "Doc, I want to write my memoirs but I have no memories."
And the psychiatrist says, "Give it time."



Poor Eternity!  It's impossible for it to celebrate New Years.



2016 says to 2017, "Good Luck!  I hope you do better than I did."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Happy 2017!"

IS IT POSSIBLE?

Is it possible that the sky is not the limit?




Is it possible that stress is the cause of stress?



Is it possible to be carefree when you are dead?



Is it possible to hear better when you close your eyes?



Is it possible that Vincent Van Gogh was selling himself to a cannibal piece by piece?



Is it possible that reincarnation causes past lives?



Is it possible that mirrors cause reflections?



Is it possible that you will run out of things to say if you live forever?



Is it possible that psychiatrists invent mental illnesses to make more money?



Is it possible to be happily depressed?



Is it possible that The End is not The's butt?

MUSINGS UPON LEAVING MY MIND . . .

Was I supposed to pick up a loaf of bread, or a loaf of brain?


Will wearing earplugs keep the wind from blowing through my head?


How much does free cost?


Which word is older, "older" or "younger"?


I think it was a loaf of brain.  I'm sure I have lots of bread.


For protection, should psychiatrists hire insecurity guards?


What country is the moon from?

 Did Hercules use steroids?


Was King Arthur gay?  If so, then did he enjoy his days as much as he enjoyed his knights?

MOVIES YOU WILL NEVER SEE . . .

INVASION OF THE GOAT-CHEESE FARTS

An evil race of goat-cheese farts, from a planet in the Aries Constellation, attack Earth.  General Air Freshener leads an army of armed fragrances to stop the goat-cheese farts from global domination.

*** 

AW NUTS!

A squirrel falls in love with his psychiatrist while the psychiatrist is treating the squirrel for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

 ***

 "What's this smoking thing doing in a blog about movies not seen?"

"I don't know.  It just turned up.  Perhaps it will go away if we ignore it."

***

Two lunchboxes fall in love under a full noon.

***

 THE SPELL

A witch wreaks havoc when she casts spells at a Spelling Bee.

***

 

A funny bone technician stops blogging for today.  He goes to the grocery store for material for future blogs.  

"How exciting.  I'm glad I'll never see that movie."

"Me too."

STEPHEN WHO?

On the day after the Canadian election, a psychiatrist said, "And what makes you think that you're living a nightmare, Mr. Harper?"

***

Stephen Harper walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Stephen Harper says, "I'll have a time machine and a person who can fix elections, please."

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "I have a time machine, but the person who fixes elections is still in Florida living in a luxurious home built by George W. Bush."

***

Q:  How many Stephen Harpers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Two.  One to change the light bulb, and the other to deny that he had anything to do with it.

***

STEPHEN HARPER WANTS RCMP TO CHARGE CANADIANS WITH ASSAULT

FOR GIVING HIM A SPANKING  

***

Q:  What's the difference between Stephen Harper and toast?

A:  Nothing.

***

Q:  Why did Stephen Harper cross the road?

A:  We don't know, and neither does he.

***

"I don't understand, doctor," said Stephen Harper to his psychiatrist on the day after the election.  "As prime minister I was cold, malicious, and vengeful.  Where did I go wrong?"

GOING TO A PSYCHIATRIST?

"I just can't seem to express myself," says the pen to the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist examines the pen and says, "You need a new refill."


After an extensive examination, the orange asks the psychiatrists, "Doc, what is wrong with me?"
"I'm afraid that you are going to have to live with this condition for the rest of your life," says the psychiatrist.
"I will?" says the orange.  "What is my problem?"
"And the psychiatrist says, "Your problem is that you don't rhyme with anything."


A psychiatrist sees a bunch of bananas sitting in his waiting room.  He says to them, "Forget about coming in here to see me.  There's nothing I can do for you.  You're bananas!"


A psychiatrist goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Will you say that I am okay if I say that you are okay?"


A black hole goes to see a psychiatrist  and says, "Every time I get close to something, I suck it up and it disappears."
And the psychiatrist says, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" and was gone.


A funny bone technician goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Some days I feel that my blog is funny, and some days I feel that my blog is not funny."
The psychiatrist says, "You could be right." 

 

  

WHAT IF THE ALIENS PICK ME?

What if the aliens pick me as The Standard for Insanity? How will my life change?

Does that mean I will be awarded a new straitjacket? 

Will I have to keep the same voices in my head, or can I get new ones?

Will I get a gift card to pay for unlimited visits to see a psychiatrist?

Can I keep my reality?

 

THE STANDARD FOR INSANITY

I went to bed and . . . 

"We abducted you because we are looking for The Standard for Insanity," said the aliens.

 "If you're looking for The Standard for Insanity, then why are you giving me an anal probe?"  I asked.

"We are not sure where you keep your brains," replied the aliens.

After the anal probe, the aliens asked me the following questions:

1. Are you in love with the moon?
2. Do you ever talk to the moon?
3. Is your idea of reality the same as other earthlings' idea of reality?
4. Do you have a favorite mental disorder?  If so, then what is it and why is it your favorite?
5. Are you a psychiatrist's dream?  
6. Have you ever been out of your mind for longer than 93 years?
7. How many personalities do you have?  (If more than one, then list them with their names.)
8. Do you own a straitjacket?
9. Do you believe in hallucinations?
10. Is abnormal normal for you?

 After answering their questions I asked, "Am I The Standard for Insanity?"

"We will let you know," said the aliens.  

Suddenly I was back in my bed.  Will the aliens choose me to be The Standard for Insanity? 

 

NO TITLE. "WHAT?" I SAID, 'NO TITLE.'

 

 

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

I am afraid to read books on phobias.

I enjoy any book containing words.

I quit smoking.  It was easy.  I had one cigarette when I was twelve years old, and then I quit.  This is the first time I am announcing it.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person?

I have female intuition.  I used to have male intuition, but got rid of it.  It always said that it was going to call and never did.

One of my goals in life is to be dishwasher safe.

Gary Johnston is in favor of the death penalty as long as no one gets hurt.

Gary Johnston is  waiting for that special person's kiss -- a kiss that will turn him back into a frog.

This post contains letters from the English alphabet.

If I wasn't here, then I'd be somewhere else.

Gary Johnston wishes Gary Johnston the best of luck with his new personality.

Should I get another psychiatrist?  The one I am seeing insists on lying beside me on the couch during our sessions.

Gary Johnston is like a tree.  He is leafing his limited thinking and branching up towards The Light.  He has the confidence to bark at those negative people who try to discourage him.  He is presently battling Dutch Elm Disease.

Gary Johnston admits to being the Chief Executive Hypocrite at Double Standards Incorporated.

Gary Johnston is recovering from being sick in the head.

Out of the blue, came the sky.

Gary Johnston is looking forward to the future when he will be happy living in the present.

Is it true that Pinocchio hated termites?

I can predict the future.  At the end of this sentence, there will be a period.

Is it true that you are reading this?