I AM GRATEFUL

I am grateful for my shoes.  If it wasn't for my shoes, then I wouldn't have a sole.



I am grateful for mountains.  If it wasn't for mountains, then we wouldn't have molehills.



I am grateful for my bicycle.  If it wasn't for my bicycle, then there would be less dust in my storage unit.



I am grateful for children.  If it wasn't for children, then I would have no mentors.



I am grateful for ceremony.  If it wasn't for ceremony, then I wouldn't have a cerebank account.



I am grateful for birds.  If it wasn't for birds, then people would never wash their cars.



I am grateful for roads.  If it wasn't for roads, then we would have a buildup on one side of chickens.



I am grateful for religion.  If it wasn't for religion, then we wouldn't have hatred and wars. 



I am grateful for cats.  If it wasn't for cats then we would have less pictures on Facebook. 



I am grateful for grateful.  If it wasn't for grateful, then I couldn't be grateful.

FAMOUS WORDS OF . . .

A Hurricane:  "Oops!"   

A Polar Vortex:  "Freeze!  Don't move."

A Clock:  "What time am I?"

A Forest:  "I heard a tree fall!  I heard a tree fall!"

Facebook:  "I spend waaay too much time with people."

A Space:  "                                              ." 

A Mirror:  "What are you looking at?"

A Terrorist:  "What can we do to make a magazine famous?"

Eternity:  "Why do I go on and on and on and on?"

An End:  "I'm not an end, I am THE END."

  

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

"Where have you been these first six days of May?"

I forgot where I had hid my head, and could not find it.

"You were able to function without a head?"

Yes, it's a common practice for we humans.  We can carry on quite nicely without using our heads.  I was on Facebook.  I did not need my head for that.

"Really?"

Yes, and I was going to run for office, but I found my head.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 370

10 - It was hijacked by Lee Harvey Oswald who faked his death in November, 1963.  Oswald plans to land it in Dealey Plaza to give people something else to talk about for a change.

9 -  Shortly after takeoff, Flight 370 went grocery shopping.  It's still stuck in the "Express Lane" of the store.  The sign says, 8 Items or Less, but the jets ahead of Flight 370 have much more than 8 items and  should not be in that lane.

8 -  It went to a Zen meditation retreat to discover whether there's a sound if a plane crashes in a forest.

7 -  It's at a laundromat in Pakistan not only doing its laundry, but also doing the laundry of the 12 crew members, 227 passengers, and a partridge in a Pakistani pear tree.

6 -  It's online on Facebook.  It meant to go on Facebook for an hour or so back on March 8, and may be off Facebook any century now.

5 -  It was abducted by aliens who want to produce a hybrid race of grey aliens and Boeing 777's.  The aliens will release Flight 370 as soon as they figure out how to make it pregnant.

4 -  It's at a casino in Las Vegas feeding its gambling addiction.  (What are the odds of that happening?)

3 -  It took the crew and passengers to a theater in Germany to see The Neverending Story.

2 -  Just after takeoff,  it flew to Rancho Mirage, California and admitted itself to The Betty Ford Center.  Flight 370 wants to cure its addiction to jet fuel.

1 -  It's not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 never existed.   We have been fooled.  The whole story is an early April Fools' joke perpetrated by colorless green ideas sleeping furiously.

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

I am afraid to read books on phobias.

I enjoy any book containing words.

I quit smoking.  It was easy.  I had one cigarette when I was twelve years old, and then I quit.  This is the first time I am announcing it.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person?

I have female intuition.  I used to have male intuition, but got rid of it.  It always said that it was going to call and never did.

One of my goals in life is to be dishwasher safe.

Gary Johnston is in favor of the death penalty as long as no one gets hurt.

Gary Johnston is  waiting for that special person's kiss -- a kiss that will turn him back into a frog.

This post contains letters from the English alphabet.

If I wasn't here, then I'd be somewhere else.

Gary Johnston wishes Gary Johnston the best of luck with his new personality.

Should I get another psychiatrist?  The one I am seeing insists on lying beside me on the couch during our sessions.

Gary Johnston is like a tree.  He is leafing his limited thinking and branching up towards The Light.  He has the confidence to bark at those negative people who try to discourage him.  He is presently battling Dutch Elm Disease.

Gary Johnston admits to being the Chief Executive Hypocrite at Double Standards Incorporated.

Gary Johnston is recovering from being sick in the head.

Out of the blue, came the sky.

Gary Johnston is looking forward to the future when he will be happy living in the present.

Is it true that Pinocchio hated termites?

I can predict the future.  At the end of this sentence, there will be a period.

Is it true that you are reading this?

AT YOUR SERVICE . . .

What services do I provide?  Many.  Here are some of them:

• To the letters of the alphabet, I provide words.
• To ideas, I provide expression.
• To my Facebook friends, I provide a Wall to write on.
• To my kids and family, I provide embarrassment.
• To my ex-wife, I provide someone to blame.
• To the group Termites Against Steel, I provide my support.
• To the public, I provide someone to judge and feel superior to.
• To the environment, I provide carbon dioxide and other environmentally-friendly stuff.
• To the government,  I reluctantly provide money.
• To various sane and insane voices,  I provide the space inside my head.
• To homeless viruses, germs and diseases,  I provide temporary shelter. 

 And to my fellow human beings, I provide laughter as we trudge towards Eternity where McDonald's, Starbucks, and Walmart wait to welcome us.

THINGS THAT DESTROY YOUR CONFIDENCE

Cannibals classify you as "junk food."

Skunks say how much you smell.

Aliens refuse to abduct you.

Beggars give you money. 

Muggers refuse to rob you.

Your doctor wants to put you in a cage.

Your imaginary friends won't invite you to their parties.

You're not on Santa's list.

The Easter Bunny throws eggs at you.

God won't add you as a friend on Facebook.

QUESTIONS FOR GOD

God,

1 -  What exactly are Your religious views?

2 - What were you thinking when You created  bedbugs?

3 - Are You on Facebook?  (If so,  then will You add me as a friend?)