About Forever

Forever wasn't always forever.  Once there was For, and once there was Ever.  For and Ever met at Infinity, a bar located in Eternity. It was love at first sight.  They made each other so happy that they vowed to stay together . . .  forever.


"How long did it take Forever to cross the road?"
"Forever?"
"Good guess, but we're not sure.  It's still crossing."


"How many forevers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"One.  There is only one forever."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Forever."

"Forever who?"

"Forever and ever."

"Can you come back after this blog is over.  I haven't got the time to talk to you right now."

"Forever walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

Forever sits there saying nothing.

And the bartender asks, "Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?"

Forever says nothing.

"Hey Buddy," says the bartender, "is this gonna take long?"

And Forever says, "I don't know.  I'm still crossing the road."

"Why did Forever cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To see how long it would take."

"So, have you decided yet?" asks the bartender.

"Yes," says Forever.  "I'll have a Diamonds Are Me, please?"

"Diamonds are you?" 

"Yes, Diamonds Are Forever."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Forever."

"Forever who?"

"Forever and ever."

"What?  Is the blog over already?"

It's All About 2017

2017 walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Get out!  You're too early.  Come back at midnight."



"Why did 2017 cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To meet January First for a date."



"How many 2017s does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"One.  There is only one 2017, but it does not change light bulbs.  2017 will change you.  By the time 2017 is done, you will be older and wiser -- well perhaps just older."



2017 is on the couch in a psychiatrist's office.  It says to the psychiatrist, "Doc, I want to write my memoirs but I have no memories."
And the psychiatrist says, "Give it time."



Poor Eternity!  It's impossible for it to celebrate New Years.



2016 says to 2017, "Good Luck!  I hope you do better than I did."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Happy 2017!"

ONCE UPON A TIME . . .

Once upon a time there was a listless man who was too lazy to finish this story.



Once upon a time there was a gold prospector who found a lot of gold while working.  He tried to carry the gold back to his home, but it was too heavy. He picked it up and had a heart attack and died.

What a relief!  This story was going nowhere.



Once upon a time there was a jealous bridesmaid.  She was jealous of the bride because the bridesmaid was in love with the broom.

"Don't you mean groom?"
No, it's my story and I say it's broom. 

The broom loved the bridesmaid more than he loved the bride.  He and the bridesmaid had swept together while he was sweeping with the bride.

The jealous bridesmaid killed the bride, and the bridesmaid and broom lived happily ever after.

The bride went to the afterlife where she met and fell in love with a gold prospector.  We don't know whether they lived happily ever after because Eternity hasn't ended yet.



Once upon a time there was a beekeeper who kept thousands and thousands of bees.

One day his neighbor asked, "Why do you keep so many bees?  Why don't you keep C's and D's?"

The beekeeper said, "I'm going to join the first manned mission to Mars."

"Uh?  What do you mean?"

"I decided to make this story absurd," said the beekeeper.  "Thanks for helping me do so."

"But all I did was ask you who started World War III?"

"Exactly!" said the beekeeper.



Once upon a time there was a rich man who lost all of his money because his telephone-washing business went bankrupt.  He became depressed and lazy.

One day a flash of inspiration hit him.

He said, "I think I will invade a blog and become its first story."

FAMOUS WORDS OF . . .

A Hurricane:  "Oops!"   

A Polar Vortex:  "Freeze!  Don't move."

A Clock:  "What time am I?"

A Forest:  "I heard a tree fall!  I heard a tree fall!"

Facebook:  "I spend waaay too much time with people."

A Space:  "                                              ." 

A Mirror:  "What are you looking at?"

A Terrorist:  "What can we do to make a magazine famous?"

Eternity:  "Why do I go on and on and on and on?"

An End:  "I'm not an end, I am THE END."

  

ENOUGH ABOUT ME . . . LET'S TALK ABOUT ME

I am Gary Johnston of Toronto -- not to be confused with Gary Johnston of Toronto.  Except for the hair, eyes, nose, mouth and skin color, I look like Brad Pitt.  

From the time I was little, as far back as I can remember, I always thought, "When I grow up, I want to be bigger."

My hobbies are thinking, thinking about thinking, and thinking about thinking about thinking.  I also enjoy finding the sadness in everyday life.  It is a wasted day if I have not cried at least once.

I was married for several years.  I married because I was in love.  The marriage did not work out.  If I marry again, then it will be for money.  

My political beliefs lie between Peter Pan and Wyatt Earp.

As for my religious beliefs, I wonder whether God believes in me.  If She does, then She has a funny way of showing it.

There is only one thing I hope to do before I die: return my library books.   I do not want overdue fines hanging over my head for Eternity?

THE OTHER NIGHT . . .

AT YOUR SERVICE . . .

What services do I provide?  Many.  Here are some of them:

• To the letters of the alphabet, I provide words.
• To ideas, I provide expression.
• To my Facebook friends, I provide a Wall to write on.
• To my kids and family, I provide embarrassment.
• To my ex-wife, I provide someone to blame.
• To the group Termites Against Steel, I provide my support.
• To the public, I provide someone to judge and feel superior to.
• To the environment, I provide carbon dioxide and other environmentally-friendly stuff.
• To the government,  I reluctantly provide money.
• To various sane and insane voices,  I provide the space inside my head.
• To homeless viruses, germs and diseases,  I provide temporary shelter. 

 And to my fellow human beings, I provide laughter as we trudge towards Eternity where McDonald's, Starbucks, and Walmart wait to welcome us.