ONCE UPON A TIME . . .

Once upon a time there was a listless man who was too lazy to finish this story.



Once upon a time there was a gold prospector who found a lot of gold while working.  He tried to carry the gold back to his home, but it was too heavy. He picked it up and had a heart attack and died.

What a relief!  This story was going nowhere.



Once upon a time there was a jealous bridesmaid.  She was jealous of the bride because the bridesmaid was in love with the broom.

"Don't you mean groom?"
No, it's my story and I say it's broom. 

The broom loved the bridesmaid more than he loved the bride.  He and the bridesmaid had swept together while he was sweeping with the bride.

The jealous bridesmaid killed the bride, and the bridesmaid and broom lived happily ever after.

The bride went to the afterlife where she met and fell in love with a gold prospector.  We don't know whether they lived happily ever after because Eternity hasn't ended yet.



Once upon a time there was a beekeeper who kept thousands and thousands of bees.

One day his neighbor asked, "Why do you keep so many bees?  Why don't you keep C's and D's?"

The beekeeper said, "I'm going to join the first manned mission to Mars."

"Uh?  What do you mean?"

"I decided to make this story absurd," said the beekeeper.  "Thanks for helping me do so."

"But all I did was ask you who started World War III?"

"Exactly!" said the beekeeper.



Once upon a time there was a rich man who lost all of his money because his telephone-washing business went bankrupt.  He became depressed and lazy.

One day a flash of inspiration hit him.

He said, "I think I will invade a blog and become its first story."

A SNAKE GOES TO THE DOCTOR . . .

A snake goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having problems with my hand-to-eye coordination."
The doctor stands and then walks out the door saying, "I'm leaving this joke.  I hate talking snakes!"

*

The Universe walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The Universe says, "I'll have a diet beer, please."

"A what?" asks the bartender.  "A diet beer?"

"Yes," says the Universe. "I'm trying to lose weight.  I've been expanding ever since the Big Bang and now my dimensions don't fit."

*

A gold prospector goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a sore back."

The doctor says, "I can fix that."

The doctor gives the gold prospector a needle full of poison which kills the prospector and cures his sore back.  The doctor steals the prospector's gold and disposes of his body.  Having all that gold allowed the doctor to quick doctoring and live happily ever after.  

Some jokes are like life: unfair.

*

Q:  How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We don't know.  They have to have a Task Force study the problem and make recommendations.

*

A forest fire walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The forest fire says,"Water please.  I'm scorched."

*

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"The"

"The who?"

"The End."

"Wait a minute!" shouts the doctor from the snake joke.  "You can't end this blog leaving me in limbo."

But you walked out of the joke.

"I know.  I hate talking snakes.  Please don't leave me without a joke.  Please!"

Okay.

The End goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, no matter what I do I'm always behind."

"Thanks!" says the doctor.

"Thanks?" says The End.  "How does thanks help me?"

And the doctor says, "I wasn't talking to you."