HEALTH TIPS

Get lots of Vitamin OQ.
(Vitamin OQ doesn't exist, but you should still get lots of it because it's good for you.)


Eat food only, and don't snack on the furniture.


Stay away from organic poisons.


See a doctor at least once every 50 years.


Never walk on the sun.


Avoid pain.


Use bricks instead of wood to build a strong immune system.


Plan your meals using food.


Energize yourself by playing with live electrical wires.


Keep breathing.

THIS TITLE IS LONG BECAUSE THE AUTHOR COULD NOT THINK OF A SHORT TITLE THAT APPLIED TO THE CONTENT

Taking the high road is not the same as traveling high on the road.


Flies should get screened for diseases.


Eating a healthy diet reduces your risk of starvation.


If you smoke, take it easy and cool down.


How many people beat cancer, and do not get charged with assault?


Where does God go for medical checkups?


Your risk of dying increases after age 103.


Did someone's derrière die, or is this the end?

A SNAKE GOES TO THE DOCTOR . . .

A snake goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having problems with my hand-to-eye coordination."
The doctor stands and then walks out the door saying, "I'm leaving this joke.  I hate talking snakes!"

*

The Universe walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The Universe says, "I'll have a diet beer, please."

"A what?" asks the bartender.  "A diet beer?"

"Yes," says the Universe. "I'm trying to lose weight.  I've been expanding ever since the Big Bang and now my dimensions don't fit."

*

A gold prospector goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a sore back."

The doctor says, "I can fix that."

The doctor gives the gold prospector a needle full of poison which kills the prospector and cures his sore back.  The doctor steals the prospector's gold and disposes of his body.  Having all that gold allowed the doctor to quick doctoring and live happily ever after.  

Some jokes are like life: unfair.

*

Q:  How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We don't know.  They have to have a Task Force study the problem and make recommendations.

*

A forest fire walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The forest fire says,"Water please.  I'm scorched."

*

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"The"

"The who?"

"The End."

"Wait a minute!" shouts the doctor from the snake joke.  "You can't end this blog leaving me in limbo."

But you walked out of the joke.

"I know.  I hate talking snakes.  Please don't leave me without a joke.  Please!"

Okay.

The End goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, no matter what I do I'm always behind."

"Thanks!" says the doctor.

"Thanks?" says The End.  "How does thanks help me?"

And the doctor says, "I wasn't talking to you."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Don't smile.  Don't laugh.  I am going to be serious . . .  

. . . Okay, that's enough of that.

The above serious pause was brought to you by Mickey Macarangdang who lost his sense of humor when his ass fell off.  With no ass, Mickey Macarangdang has nothing to laugh off.  He goes around promoting seriousness.

Mickey Macarangdang was not laughing when his ass fell off.  Mickey's hips had a bad case of the hiccups and hiccuped so violently that his ass fell off.

They rushed Mickey Macarangdang to the hospital, but the doctors could not attach his ass.  Mickey Macarangdang's ass loved its independence and got a court order preventing doctors from taking away its freedom.  Mickey Macarangdang's ass plans to run for office and pass laws to free all the asses from people.

Let us hope that Mickey Macarangdang's ass does not get elected.  The world is serious enough without people being able to laugh their asses off. 

THINGS GROUNDHOGS SAY

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.

ALL ABOUT EBOLA

An Ebola virus goes to its doctor and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The Ebola virus says, "I think I caught a human being."
"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the Ebola virus, "I've started thinking that my fellow viruses are causing all my problems and I want to kill them."
"Yep," says the doctor, "you've definitely caught a human being."  He starts writing a prescription.  "I'm going to prescribe a bottle of rational thinking.  It will get rid of your human being, and prevent you from being infected by others."

Q: Why did the Ebola virus cross the road?

A:  To infect a chicken.

An Ebola virus walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The Ebola virus says, "I'll have a fever and sore throat on the rocks, thanks."

As the bartender fixes the drink he says, "You must be new around here.  I haven't seen you before."

"I've been around," says the Ebola virus, "I just never came in here.  It's lonely being famous.  I'm hoping to meet some other viruses to share the spotlight."

"You've come to the right place," says the bartender.  "You can pickup all kinds of viruses here.  This place is better than a hospital.  Our patrons include AIDS, Mad Cow, Gonorrhea, Malaria, and the flu to name a few."
"Well, where are they?" asks the Ebola virus.  "The place seems deserted."
"Don't worry," says the bartender, "they'll be here soon.  They always come at Unhappy Hour."

"Are you here for the same problem?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the Ebola virus, "I finished the bottle of rational thinking, and it cured me."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I'm depressed," says the Ebola virus.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"The human being that had infected me," says the Ebola virus, "is on the Internet writing blogs."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "no one will read them."

THE GREAT QUESTIONS OF LIFE . . .

ARE YOU PREGNANT?

This is a true story.  The names have not been changed, to protect the innocent, because there are no names in this story except for Dollarama.  (Dollarama  is a discount dollar store with 800 locations across Canada.)

At one time only doctors administered pregnancy tests.  And then you could buy them at drugstores.  How times have changed!  Pregnancy tests are available at Dollarama. 

A young woman is embarrassed waiting in line at Dollarama.  She is waiting to pay for a pregnancy test kit.  A little unsure she asks the cashier,  "All you do is pee in it?"

The cashier, also embarrassed, nods.

Then the young woman pauses before asking, "Can I return it if it doesn't work?"

BIRTHDAYS AND BIRTH CERITFICATES

I was born on my birthday.  Funny how that worked out.  It works out that way for most people, but there are some people who were not born on their birthdays.  For some reason their birth certificates have a different date than the day they were born.

Many years ago, friends of mine decided to have their daughter at home.  No hospital.  No doctor.  They used a midwife. 

After their daughter was born, they went to the government to register their daughter's birth.  The government refused to accept the registration, and issue a birth certificate, because their daughter was not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.  Essentially the government told my friends that their daughter was never born because she was not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.

I have often wondered why trees, birds, animals, insects, etc., do not have birth certificates.  Now I know.   It is because they were not born in a hospital under the supervision of a doctor.

 

"That's right honey. Doctor F. gave me a bigger new one."

OVERHEARD WORDS . . .

"I quit smoking."
"But you don't smoke and never smoked."
"That's why it was so easy to quit."


"My doctor is a metaphysician and gave me a complete checkup."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I am healthy and will live forever."
"Really?"
"Yes, but not necessarily in my present body."


"You look disappointed."
"It's another calendar with all the days in sequential order.  Can't someone invent a calendar where Friday comes right after Sunday?"


"So, how do you like Reality so far?"
"Not bad, but I wouldn't want to live here."
"Why not?"
"I have my unreasons."


"I can't believe he did this to me!"
"What did he do?"
"I can't believe it!  He came over with -- "
(And then a loud truck went by and I could not hear the rest.)


"How nice to see you.  How are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I'm not a doctor.  A doctor can tell you how I am."
"You simply can't say that you're fine?"
"What?  And misdiagnose myself?"


"Got any spare change?"
"No.  All the money in my pocket I plan to use.  I keep my spare change in the bank.  But you got money in your hat that you didn't have before.  YOU are the one with spare change!"


"Wanna go out for a beer?"
"No, I can't.  I promised the wife I'd come straight home so she could chew me out for something."


"Look at them," said Sky.
"Oh My God!  They're gorgeous!" said Sun.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

Santa Claus was the first high-school dropout to make it big.  He hated high school.  Everyone teased him about his weight, and always wearing a red suit.  He dropped out of high school and headed to the North Pole.  The rest is fantasy.

The Universe is 13 billion years old,  and has never been to a doctor.  The Universe attributes its long life and good health to being everything that exists.

Composer Franz Liszt's first name was not always Franz.  He changed it to Franz from Grocery.

O.J. Simpson was part of  the conspiracy to kill John F. Kennedy.  O.J. was prepared to give President Kennedy poisoned orange juice if the bullets did not kill him.

The dark side of the Moon would disappear if the Moon practised better hygiene.

Cell phones are one of the leading causes of talking.

Canada welcomes new diseases and viruses.  They may apply for visas or work permits.

Faust has a twin brother named Slowst.  Few know this about Faust because Slowst is still moving through the birth canal. 

All things must pass.  Some things must piss.

Anti and uncle oxidants will keep you healthy.

Another day is . . .  another day.