ON A SHORT ATTENTION SP--

A short attention span walked into bar and the bartender said, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
And the short attention span replied, "Where's the light I'm supposed to change?"
"Sorry," said the bartender, "but we're out of beer.  Can I get you something else?"
"Thanks," said the short attention span and it left.

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"I forgot."

"I forgot who?"

"No, I really forgot."

"Cross the road to see whether you remember on the other side."

"Why did the short attention span cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To get to a bar on the other side to change a light bulb."

"How many short attention spans does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two bottles of beer."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Short attention span."

"Short attention span who?"

"Short attention span.  That's it."

"Sorry?  Did you say something?"

ALL ABOUT AIR

Air walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why would you walk in when you're already here?"
And air said, "I like to get around."
"What will it be?" asked the bartender.  "The same thing you're having over there?"
Air looked over at itself in another part of the bar drinking a beer.
"No, I'd like something different," said air.  "I'll have--"
But then the wind blew through an open window, and air was gone.
And the bartender said, "Thank God that the wind in this joke was not strong enough to blow away my bar!"



"I can get high without you," said the air to the marijuana.



Where does air sleep?



If air is a gaseous mixture, then how come it never farts?



An airhead walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What can I get you?"
The airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"A beer?  Juice?  A scotch and water?  What would you like?" said the bartender.
And the airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"Look," said the bartender, "you must have wanted a drink.  Why else would you walk into a bar?"
"A bar?" said the airhead.  "A bar?  I thought this was a place for meditation."



"What's the difference between air and space?"
"I don't know.  What?"
"Space is cleaner because it has a vacuum."



Where does air end?

MEN'S EXCUSES FOR NOT BUYING FLOWERS ON VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, you know how I feel about the environment.  Well, picking flowers is like cutting down trees."

 ***

"But I got you flowers last year and they died."

***

 "I bought you a bouquet of roses, honest, and the dog ate them."

***

 "I was going to get you flowers, but then I thought I better not in case you have hay fever."

***

"But I bought you flowers!  You should feel special because you're the only woman in the world to get invisible flowers." 

***

"I was going to get you flowers, but I used the money to buy a case of beer . . . C'mon Honey, when was the last time we did something romantic like drinking a case of beer together?"

***

 "I was going to get you flowers, but I wasn't sure which flowers matched your broom, cauldron and the wart on your nose."

***

"It's what?  Valentine's Day?  Oh yeah, it's always a week or so after the Super Bowl."

***

And finally there's the not-so-bright husband who told his wife,"I didn't forget to to buy you flowers.  I didn't have enough money after buying flowers for my girlfriend."

SEVEN THINGS GUYS SHOULD NOT SAY SEVEN DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, would you like tickets to a basketball game instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day?"

***

"Hey Sweetheart, how about this year, for Valentine's Day, I get you a toolbox full of tools and chocolates?"

***

"I'm not buying you any chocolates this year for Valentine's Day.  You're already too fat.  I'll still get you roses since you can't eat them."

 ***

"Let's do something different this year for Valentine's Day.  Let's pretend that it does not exist and February 14 is just another day.  That way you won't feel bad if we have an argument."

***

"Some of the guys have a poker game planned for the fourteenth.  You didn't have anything planned, did you?"

***

"What are you telling me now for?  It's still a week away.  Remind me in seven days and we'll go out for pizza and beer."

***

"Look, I wanna know now so I don't waste my money.  Am I gonna get laid if I buy you a bouquet of red roses?"

THINGS SAID THAT WILL KILL LOVE

"I love the long hair on your arms!"


"Gosh, you have such lovely eyeballs."


 "You, Beloved, are my one and only -- that is, when I'm with you."


"You take my breath away.  When was the last time you had a bath?"


"You are my love!  You are my inspiration!  You are my one and only pain in the ass."

"Please?  I only want you to touch it a bit."

"I cherish you!  I adore you!   Can you bring me another beer?"   

"I'm looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together -- except when we have to go to the bathroom."

"I love you, Emily."

"My name's Elizabeth!"

"Uh-er-uh-your name doesn't matter.  I love YOU!"

BEER-DRINKING SEASON?

Josh Rubin, the Beer Columnist for The Toronto Star, starts off his column:

With Victoria Day weekend — aka the unofficial start of beer-drinking season — nearly upon us, you might be wondering just how you can slake your thirst for locally brewed suds.

First of all, how does one become a beer columnist?  What subjects does one study, in journalism school, to become a beer columnist?  What are the prerequisite courses?  What averages does one have to achieve to pass these courses?  

(The title Beer Columnist was used in the newspaper only.  Staff Reporter appears in the Internet link.) 

Secondly, there's a season for drinking beer?  When is the official start of beer-drinking season?   Does that mean that you can be charged for drinking beer out of season?  Do vodka, gin and rum, etc., have drinking seasons, too?

For my foreign friends, Queen Victoria was born May 24, 1819 and died January 20, 1901.  She ruled the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland from June 20, 1837 until her death.  (Shouldn't that be the United Queendom of Great Britain and Ireland since she wasn't a king?)

The birthday of Queen Victoria was celebrated in 1835 in Canada, 22 years before Canada became a country.  (They had beer back then?)   

The tradition continued and after her death in 1901, May 24 was by law known as Victoria Day.  In Canada we celebrate Victoria Day the third Monday in May.

Did Queen Victoria ever think that the celebration of her birthday would be the unofficial start of beer-drinking season in Canada?

http://www.thestar.com/life/food_wine/2014/05/16/a_beer_lovers_guide_to_toronto.html 

OVERHEARD WORDS . . .

"I quit smoking."
"But you don't smoke and never smoked."
"That's why it was so easy to quit."


"My doctor is a metaphysician and gave me a complete checkup."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I am healthy and will live forever."
"Really?"
"Yes, but not necessarily in my present body."


"You look disappointed."
"It's another calendar with all the days in sequential order.  Can't someone invent a calendar where Friday comes right after Sunday?"


"So, how do you like Reality so far?"
"Not bad, but I wouldn't want to live here."
"Why not?"
"I have my unreasons."


"I can't believe he did this to me!"
"What did he do?"
"I can't believe it!  He came over with -- "
(And then a loud truck went by and I could not hear the rest.)


"How nice to see you.  How are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I'm not a doctor.  A doctor can tell you how I am."
"You simply can't say that you're fine?"
"What?  And misdiagnose myself?"


"Got any spare change?"
"No.  All the money in my pocket I plan to use.  I keep my spare change in the bank.  But you got money in your hat that you didn't have before.  YOU are the one with spare change!"


"Wanna go out for a beer?"
"No, I can't.  I promised the wife I'd come straight home so she could chew me out for something."


"Look at them," said Sky.
"Oh My God!  They're gorgeous!" said Sun.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER ON DRUGS?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is against legalizing marijuana. He says, "I've been very fortunate to live a drug-free life . . ." What? He has never had a coffee, a cigarette, taken a pill, or drank a beer?