SEVEN RULES FOR LIVING

1 - Never get into a heated argument with fire.


2 - Marry when you are tired of having sex and no good for anything else.


3 - Wear earplugs to keep the wind from blowing through your head.


4 - Never slaughter a cow while wearing good clothes. 


5 - To keep Death Notices easy to read, make sure you die in alphabetical order.


6 - Never let your cat out you live near a Chinese restaurant.


7 - Never buy a losing lottery ticket.

SEVEN THINGS GUYS SHOULD NOT SAY SEVEN DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, would you like tickets to a basketball game instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day?"

***

"Hey Sweetheart, how about this year, for Valentine's Day, I get you a toolbox full of tools and chocolates?"

***

"I'm not buying you any chocolates this year for Valentine's Day.  You're already too fat.  I'll still get you roses since you can't eat them."

 ***

"Let's do something different this year for Valentine's Day.  Let's pretend that it does not exist and February 14 is just another day.  That way you won't feel bad if we have an argument."

***

"Some of the guys have a poker game planned for the fourteenth.  You didn't have anything planned, did you?"

***

"What are you telling me now for?  It's still a week away.  Remind me in seven days and we'll go out for pizza and beer."

***

"Look, I wanna know now so I don't waste my money.  Am I gonna get laid if I buy you a bouquet of red roses?"

A TROUBLING TRIP

I just got back from Iceland. I was visiting a friend. We got into an argument and she is a volcano and--uh-er . . . Well you know the rest.