SEVEN RULES FOR LIVING

1 - Never get into a heated argument with fire.


2 - Marry when you are tired of having sex and no good for anything else.


3 - Wear earplugs to keep the wind from blowing through your head.


4 - Never slaughter a cow while wearing good clothes. 


5 - To keep Death Notices easy to read, make sure you die in alphabetical order.


6 - Never let your cat out you live near a Chinese restaurant.


7 - Never buy a losing lottery ticket.

WHY I LEFT MY MARRIAGE

I promised my wife that I would love her until the end of time.  After that, I planned to find someone else.  I did not keep my promise, and left the marriage before the end of time.  Here are the reasons I left:

•  I experienced post-traumatic stress disorder every time we had sex.
•  I kept failing at following orders.
• The United Nations was going to start charging us for the peacekeepers deployed in our home.
• I felt that I was in a handbasket going somewhere, but did not know where. 
• I was tired of doing mood-disorder research.
• Our marriage interfered with the neighborhood's happiness.
•  I could not get used to staying in the doghouse during the winter.

And, finally, I left my marriage because I caught my wife in bed with the cow next door.

"Hey guys. Wouldn't it be simpler if we just went to McDonald's?"