The Ides of March Conspiracy

Did Julius Caesar die on March 15, 44 B.C.?  Some say he was tipped off by a CIA informant about the plot against his life. Caesar hired a double to take his place at the Senate that fateful morning.  It was the double who was killed.

Caesar escaped and went to Mexico where he got into the salad-making business.  During an interview Caesar said, "I had it with politics.  You don't know who your friends are.  The instant you turn your back someone is sticking a knife in it."

Recently, some UFO abductees say they saw Caesar serving his salad to the aliens on board a flying saucer.  The abductees say that the aliens are keeping Caesar alive forever because they love his salad.

Adolph Hitler dismissed the Ides of March Conspiracy.  Hitler said, "Suggesting that anyone can fake his or her death and live in another country is ridiculous."  

All About Aliens

"Why did the alien cross the road?"
"Why?"
"His flying saucer was in for repairs."


An alien walked into a bar and the bartender said,"You're new around here.  Where are you from?"
And the alien said, "Planet Apathy in a galaxy far far away."
"Welcome to Earth," said the bartender.  "What will it be?"
And the alien said, "Oh, I don't care."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Alien."

"Alien who?"

"Alien Five, a sequel."

"How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"I don't know.  That's why I asked you."

Reasons For False Alarms

Why are there so many false fire alarms? Here some reasons you won't find written on the inside of a matchbox:


- Fire alarms are creative and need to express themselves no matter what.


- Aliens from Pyro feed off the vibrations of fire alarms.  They set off fire alarms just to get something to eat.


- The ghost of Jim Morrison walks through Doors to light false fires. (Sometimes he asks for help to light his false fires.)


- Bored building security guards will trip the alarm to give themselves something to do.


- President Donald Trump and the Russians set off fire alarms in an attempt to detract from other news.


- Former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper goes around setting off fire alarms. He has not been in the news lately and should be blamed for something.


- Some funny bone guy sets off fire alarms to give himself something to blog about.

THINGS I WOULD DO IF I HAD THE COURAGE

 

If I had the courage, then I would . . . 

- Breastfeed my bicycle in public;

- Abduct aliens and give them anal probes;

- Stand on walls instead of floors;

- Kill death;

- Corral coral;

- Climb the stairway to Heaven, ring the bell at the gate, and then run away; 

- Start my own TV station and broadcast nothing but junk;  (Someone else may have done this before.)

and

- Write blogs that are funny. 

THE ALIENS LIED . . .

The aliens lied to me.  They said that the anal probe would not interfere with my memory.  Some days I forget where I am going, and how to put on my underwear.

This morning I went into the bathroom and locked the door.  I forgot why I was there.  My bladder soon reminded me.

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Don't ask me what we were talking about.  Suddenly I shouted, "There are 366 days in a Jump Year!"  What does this have to do with bananas?

I hope my memory recovers soon.  I want to buy some gas for the car, I don't own, so I can drive to China and visit all the tea.  (Maybe I might buy some underwear.) 

SOME SAY . . .

Some say that the world is run by an international cabal of bankers.  This can't be true.  The world is open longer than banker's hours.

Some say that flying saucers are real.  I found this true while I was married.

Some say that aliens walk amongst us. Should we tighten our immigration laws?

Some say that God is dead.  But no one can say when he died, where he is buried, or what he left in his will.

Some say that the world is getting warmer.  I keep telling myself this while freezing my gonads off while waiting for a bus on a frigid day.

Some say, "The End is near."  I say, "The End is here."

A BREAK FROM REALITY

I have a house in The Twilight Zone.  Sometimes I live in it, and sometimes I rent it to the voices in my head when they want to take a break from me.

My house is detached.  It has four bedrooms, a large living room, a large dining room, a large kitchen, and a large large.  I still haven't figured out what a large is.  But my house is like this sometimes.  Other times the same house is a semi-detached two-bedroom nothing-much.  It all depends upon the house's mood.

My house is on a quiet cul-de-sac with two other houses.  In one house live aliens who hardly spend time at home.  They work in a Walmart on Mars.  In the other house lives The Invisible Man and his family.  I never see them.

It's nice to live in The Twilight Zone.  It gives me a break from reality.  

THINGS I LEARNED AND DID WITH NO INTERNET

A big bad black dragon breathed fire at the server and prevented my access to the Internet for the past several days.  Here are some things I learned and did with no Internet:

I learned that babies are caused by men peeing into women.

I took a ruler and measured up.

I found my mind.

I learned that I am not lazy.  I am a lightworker.

I learned that cats cannot cook or clean.

I took a long walk along the beach that does not exist near me.  (That is where I found my mind.)

I learned that snow does not last long on a hot stove.

I drank a lot of H with my Two O.

I cried over spilt milk and found no use in that.

I did not win 27 trillion dollars.

I learned that Brian Williams would make a good politician.

And finally, I abducted some aliens for no reason.  I will release them as soon as I finish this blog.

SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATIONS FROM FLYING SAUCERS . . .

 

ON TERRORISM (And Other Minor Irritations)

Regarding the attack in Ottawa yesterday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says,  "We will not be intimidated."
Okay, so why are we increasing security all over the place?

Someone said that the terrorist attacked the heart of Canada's democracy.  Really?  Is Ottawa the heart of Canada's democracy, or the kidney of Canada's corruption?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 370

10 - It was hijacked by Lee Harvey Oswald who faked his death in November, 1963.  Oswald plans to land it in Dealey Plaza to give people something else to talk about for a change.

9 -  Shortly after takeoff, Flight 370 went grocery shopping.  It's still stuck in the "Express Lane" of the store.  The sign says, 8 Items or Less, but the jets ahead of Flight 370 have much more than 8 items and  should not be in that lane.

8 -  It went to a Zen meditation retreat to discover whether there's a sound if a plane crashes in a forest.

7 -  It's at a laundromat in Pakistan not only doing its laundry, but also doing the laundry of the 12 crew members, 227 passengers, and a partridge in a Pakistani pear tree.

6 -  It's online on Facebook.  It meant to go on Facebook for an hour or so back on March 8, and may be off Facebook any century now.

5 -  It was abducted by aliens who want to produce a hybrid race of grey aliens and Boeing 777's.  The aliens will release Flight 370 as soon as they figure out how to make it pregnant.

4 -  It's at a casino in Las Vegas feeding its gambling addiction.  (What are the odds of that happening?)

3 -  It took the crew and passengers to a theater in Germany to see The Neverending Story.

2 -  Just after takeoff,  it flew to Rancho Mirage, California and admitted itself to The Betty Ford Center.  Flight 370 wants to cure its addiction to jet fuel.

1 -  It's not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 never existed.   We have been fooled.  The whole story is an early April Fools' joke perpetrated by colorless green ideas sleeping furiously.

MORE PICTURES NOT AT AN EXHIBITION

 

                                                                                                  

                                                                        

MY SHORT ATTENTION SP-

I don't know why my attention span is short.   I am six feet tall and do not like watching golf.  I live near some electrical equipment.  They say some people are sensitive to electrical energy.  I believe I am in line for a promotion at work.  I passed all the promotional exams including the anal probe performed by the aliens during a staff meeting.  The anal probe affected my brain and this is the cause for all the rain.

But rain is good.  It makes things grow -- especially in my closet where no monsters live.  Monsters used to live in my closet when I was younger, but they moved out as I aged the cheese I made.  Homemade cheese tastes better than the potatoes I bought at the gas station.

And what about those gas prices?  They are higher than the flying saucer the aliens brought to the staff meeting.  The aliens promised me a promotion at work if I did not talk about people sensitive to electrical cheese aged in monsters who live in closets.

So that is why my attention span is -- Look!  It's the end of my blog!

"Hey guys. Wouldn't it be simpler if we just went to McDonald's?"

CALL ME CRAZY IF YOU WANT . . .

Call me crazy if you want, but I swear I saw Osama bin Laden, Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis Presley having a coffee at a Starbucks. (I wanted to ask Osama for his birth certificate, but lost my courage.)

Call me crazy if you want, but pink elephants own all the liquor stores.

Call me crazy if you want, but cannibals stole Walt Disney's  frozen body and used it to invent a new ice-cream flavor: anti-Semite.

Call me crazy if you want, but somewhere on this planet is an Area 52.

Call me crazy if you want, but Michael Jackson did not die.  He went into hiding to practise tiddlywinks, and one day plans to emerge as the world champion.

Call me crazy if you want, but I am considering a proposal from Serpent Real Estate.  They are selling a garden with an apple tree. Should I buy it?

Call me crazy if you want, but I am looking for an honest politician.

Call me crazy if you want, but I joined The National Plunger Society.  Now the only block in my life is the one I live on.

Call me crazy if you want, but aliens abducted me; whizzed me around the Universe while showing me my future: taxes, death and more taxes.  Then they dropped me off at a Starbucks.

Call me crazy if you want . . .  

HOW MANY _____ DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

How many politicians does it take to change one light bulb?

Lots of them . . .  and at great public expense!

How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  That's the electrician's job.  One hundred dollars service charge for the house call, thank you.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  It wasn't the light bulb.  It was faulty wiring in the switch box.  That will be five hundred dollars, please. 

One hundred dollars service charge and four hundred dollars for parts and labor.

How many serial killers does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  Who wants to be in the dark with a serial killer?

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she will not do it because she is blocked.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he will rehearse doing it many times before he actually does it.

How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

How many would you like?

How many thieves does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you better watch him do it.

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he’ll do it later.

How many aliens does it take to change a light bulb?

You have to be hypnotized to find out.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but first he will tell you how it was the conservatives’ fault that the light burned out, and then he will change the bulb.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They will get a private company to do it after telling you that liberals cause lights to burn out.

How many people who give bad advice does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he won’t do it.  He’ll tell you to call a plumber.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That job has gone to Mexico.  

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?

One.       Light bulbs give light

                To make things all bright.

                Change it I might

                Before it is night.

How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

One million . . .  Just joking.  Two.  One comedian to open for the other who changes the bulb.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It is beneath them to do it.  You better call a plumber.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?  
One.  Why do light bulbs burn out?  If a light bulb burns out in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still get dark?  What is the meaning of darkness?  Is darkness The End?