WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE GRASSHOPPER THINKING?

What does a grasshopper think about between jumps?  Politics?  Religion?  How to be the best pests?  

Here are some grasshopper thoughts:


"Did Lee Harvey Oswald have a sex change?  Was he once a woman who was dumped by JFK, and had a sex-change operation before getting revenge?"



"I'm getting tired of eating plants.  Should I try that brown stuff the flies eat?"



"I could jump higher if they repealed the Law of Gravity."



"How come I only see my twin when I look in the water?"



"How much money would I make if I started selling grass?"



"How come we grasshoppers never make it to the Olympics?"



"Should I walk instead of jump?"



"Public transit sucks on this lawn!"



"How many grasshoppers die, each year, from overdosing on weed?"



"Eeeewww!  This brown stuff tastes like shit!"



"What do sound like when I think?"

A CONVERSATION WITH BILL SHAKESPEARE

My good friend "Bill" Shakespeare was born April 23, 1564 and died April 23, 1616.  I spoke to him earlier today on this his birth and death day.

GJ:  So Bill, what's it like to be 452 years old?

WS:  Not bad.  I don't know whether it's worse to be 452 years old, or dead for 400 years.

GJ:  Why did you die on your birthday?

WS:  It was not my idea.  Lee Harvey Oswald poisoned me.

GJ:  How could Oswald murder you on April 23,1616 when he was not born until October 18, 1939?

WS:  There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Gary, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

GJ:  Okay, so why would Oswald murder you? 

WS:  I don't know.  Perhaps he did not like one of my plays.

Suddenly Bill disappeared!  I suspect the CIA had something to do with it.  They did not want me getting more information about Lee Harvey Oswald's involvement in William Shakespeare's death.

 

BEWARE OF BLOGS ABOUT THE IDES OF MARCH

On March 15, 44 B.C., Julius Caesar's friends got the ingredients for Caesar Salad wrong.  They lost it when Caesar tried to correct them.

What were some of the other things said, on March 15, 44 B.C., that weren't recorded in the history books?


Julius Caesar said to his wife, Calpurnia, just as he was walking out the door, "I got a quick meeting with the boys, and then I'll be right back so we can go shopping."


Brutus said to Cassius, "Do we have to stab him?  Couldn't we shoot him instead?"
"No Brutus," said Cassius, "we can't shoot him.  Guns haven't been invented yet."
"Oh yeah, I forgot."


 Lee Harvey Oswald said to Brutus, "What am I doing here?  I'm not supposed to take the spotlight for another 2007 years."
"Don't worry, Lee," said Brutus.  "We'll make sure no one sees you."


Cassius said to Cinna, "No, Cinna, you can't go to the bathroom!  Caesar will be here any minute."


"Ouch!  Ouch!  Wait!" said Caesar.  "This is not what I meant when I said that I wanted you guys to poke me!"


"Et tu, Brute?" said Caesar before he died.
"Speak English, Julius, speak English!" said Brutus.  "You know I flunked Latin."

HODGEPODGE

Buffalo Trace?  Buffalo Trace?  Buffalo Trace of what?  You know what comes  to my mind . . . 

Is this how being shit-faced got started?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 370

10 - It was hijacked by Lee Harvey Oswald who faked his death in November, 1963.  Oswald plans to land it in Dealey Plaza to give people something else to talk about for a change.

9 -  Shortly after takeoff, Flight 370 went grocery shopping.  It's still stuck in the "Express Lane" of the store.  The sign says, 8 Items or Less, but the jets ahead of Flight 370 have much more than 8 items and  should not be in that lane.

8 -  It went to a Zen meditation retreat to discover whether there's a sound if a plane crashes in a forest.

7 -  It's at a laundromat in Pakistan not only doing its laundry, but also doing the laundry of the 12 crew members, 227 passengers, and a partridge in a Pakistani pear tree.

6 -  It's online on Facebook.  It meant to go on Facebook for an hour or so back on March 8, and may be off Facebook any century now.

5 -  It was abducted by aliens who want to produce a hybrid race of grey aliens and Boeing 777's.  The aliens will release Flight 370 as soon as they figure out how to make it pregnant.

4 -  It's at a casino in Las Vegas feeding its gambling addiction.  (What are the odds of that happening?)

3 -  It took the crew and passengers to a theater in Germany to see The Neverending Story.

2 -  Just after takeoff,  it flew to Rancho Mirage, California and admitted itself to The Betty Ford Center.  Flight 370 wants to cure its addiction to jet fuel.

1 -  It's not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is not missing.  Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 never existed.   We have been fooled.  The whole story is an early April Fools' joke perpetrated by colorless green ideas sleeping furiously.