Not All About Assassinations

On Friday November 22, 1963, O. J. Simpson assassinated President John F. Kennedy.  Simpson was the lone gunman.  Anything else you have heard or read about the Kennedy killing is fiction.


"Why did the assassination cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To kill a chicken on the other side."


An assassination walked into a bar and the bartender screamed, "Duck!"
And the assassination said, "No thanks, just a beer please."

"How many assassinations does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Only one if it isn't a conspiracy."

"What do you get when you cross an assassination with someone putting on clothes?"

"What?"

"Someone who is dressed to kill."

"What do you get when you cross an assassination with a statue?"

"I dunno.  What do you get?"

"You get something that birds are afraid to poop on."

"What do you get when you cross an assassination with   the CIA?"

"I dunno."

"A cover-up."

"Why are assassinations good at selling?"

"Why?"

"Because they kill the competition."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Assassination."

"Assassination who?"

BANG!

It's A Conspiracy!

It's a conspiracy!  JFK caused 911.  His accomplice was O.J. Simpson.  They disguised themselves as Saudi Arabians and flew planes into the World Trade Center. They killed Lee Harvey Oswald before he could warn us. They also killed Michael Jackson to stop the moon from walking.

It's a conspiracy!  A U.S. plane got caught in a storm, lost its course, and crashed on Mars.  The Martian government denied that the crash happened.  They also deny that U.S. planes exist. They took the bodies of the plane's pilot and passengers and the plane to Area 52, a secret underground base on Mars.  Martian scientists reverse-engineered the U.S. plane and set their technology back 347 years.

It's a conspiracy!  The Bermuda Triangle is really a circle. The Geometrical Commission caught the Bermuda Triangle using the circle's washroom. The Bermuda Triangle used its connections to the angles, who control the degrees of everything, to keep this scandal out of the news.

It's a conspiracy! A funny bone technician, who is nonexistent, writes these blogs because he doesn't want the world to laugh.

WHO KILLED JFK?

On Friday November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy had his plans ruined for the day.  Who ruined JFK's plans?  Here are some theories:


Jackie Kennedy hired Donal Trump to kill her husband after JFK took out a life insurance policy.  Trump used the money to build a financial empire.


John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.  On April 14, 1865, Booth fell into a black hole which sent him to November 22, 1963.  A confused Booth shot Kennedy thinking that Kennedy was Lincoln.


Bill Cosby killed killed Kennedy.  Cosby was angry at Kennedy for sleeping with Cosby's girlfriends. 



Barack Obama killed Kennedy because JFK took Obama's birth certificate.


Aldolphus J. Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy.  Klinkenbroomer was a loner and a loser who failed at everything he did.  Klinkenbroomer killed Kennedy to become famous.


Hillary Clinton killed JFK.  Wikileaks will release e-mails explaining why.


To get out of a loveless marriage, JFK shot himself.  To make it look as if someone else shot him, JFK skillfully used mirrors, duct tape and Silly Putty.


No one killed JFK.  Kennedy never existed.  You don't exist.  This blog does not exist.  The whole Universe is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE GRASSHOPPER THINKING?

What does a grasshopper think about between jumps?  Politics?  Religion?  How to be the best pests?  

Here are some grasshopper thoughts:


"Did Lee Harvey Oswald have a sex change?  Was he once a woman who was dumped by JFK, and had a sex-change operation before getting revenge?"



"I'm getting tired of eating plants.  Should I try that brown stuff the flies eat?"



"I could jump higher if they repealed the Law of Gravity."



"How come I only see my twin when I look in the water?"



"How much money would I make if I started selling grass?"



"How come we grasshoppers never make it to the Olympics?"



"Should I walk instead of jump?"



"Public transit sucks on this lawn!"



"How many grasshoppers die, each year, from overdosing on weed?"



"Eeeewww!  This brown stuff tastes like shit!"



"What do sound like when I think?"

SHORT STORY IDEAS . . .

During a hurricane, the son of a bitch battles the storm to stop fleas from blowing away.

 *

The night before the U.S. presidential election, John F. Kennedy appears on television shouting, "April Fools!  April Fools!"

*

A feminist, hired by the post office, leads a campaign to stamp out all-male mail boxes.

*

An hallucination teams up with a dream to fight against a gang of imagination killers.

 *

Years of financial hardship and never-ending work, makes a single parent break into a prison to get a break.

*

After surviving a forest fire, a tree turns to a life of crime by robbing branches of banks and giving leaves to the poor.

*

As a plague rages across the globe, a funny bone technician says, "I'm outta this blog before I get sick!"

SOME RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS . . .

How did Adam and Eve survive without a tv and the Internet?

What did they do for amusement besides talk to snakes and eat apples?

How much rent did God charge them before he evicted them?  

Does being evicted by God ruin your reputation forever?

Did Samson really run a club for people who hate barbers?

Did anyone on Noah's Ark have allergies?  

Did Lot's wife ever have a relationship with Dr. Pepper?

If the Lord is my Shepherd, then will he use me to make a sweater? 

Does the Golden Rule change with the price of gold?

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

Santa Claus was the first high-school dropout to make it big.  He hated high school.  Everyone teased him about his weight, and always wearing a red suit.  He dropped out of high school and headed to the North Pole.  The rest is fantasy.

The Universe is 13 billion years old,  and has never been to a doctor.  The Universe attributes its long life and good health to being everything that exists.

Composer Franz Liszt's first name was not always Franz.  He changed it to Franz from Grocery.

O.J. Simpson was part of  the conspiracy to kill John F. Kennedy.  O.J. was prepared to give President Kennedy poisoned orange juice if the bullets did not kill him.

The dark side of the Moon would disappear if the Moon practised better hygiene.

Cell phones are one of the leading causes of talking.

Canada welcomes new diseases and viruses.  They may apply for visas or work permits.

Faust has a twin brother named Slowst.  Few know this about Faust because Slowst is still moving through the birth canal. 

All things must pass.  Some things must piss.

Anti and uncle oxidants will keep you healthy.

Another day is . . .  another day.

RANDOM MUSINGS . . .

Q:  Who killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy?
A:   Lee Harvey Everybody.

Is there any money in running a Night Care for children of vampires?

What is the purpose of a sunken living room other than to injure you when you are tired or drunk?

Does a fly look for the biggest, stinking  pile of caca because he wants the best for his family?

How far can you get with an I.Q. of two-by-four?

Is my life worthless?  "No!"  say the income tax people.

Are there any vegetarian cannibals?

How can I cut my energy costs all year round?    Living on the street?

Is marriage sometimes occasional sex with someone you don't like?

Is this enough for now?