Not All About Creativity

"How do I become more creative?"
"Change your name, and then your initials will be M.C."


"Why did Creativity cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."


"How much creativity does it take to light a change bulb?"
"I dunno."
"Not much, but someone as to invent a change bulb."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Creativity."

"Liar!  Only opportunity knocks."

"How would Leonardo da Vinci write a blog about creativity?"

"Very slowly."

"Why is that?"

"Because he is dead."

"Why did the idea cross the road?"

"Why?"

"To go into an apartment building, and then go into a bathroom shower where a writer was already showering."

"What?  Is the idea a pervert?"

"No, it's an idea for a short story about a rebel river that goes against the flow.  Like most ideas, it likes to come to people when it's not convenient to write it down."

"Where does Creativity get its ideas?"
"I dunno."
"It waits for them to cross the road."


"What are the five stages of creativity?"
"What?"
"Preparation.  Incubation.  Illumination.  Taxation."
"That's only four stages."
"So?  It's a creative answer.  Why can't four equal five?"
"Okay, but what's with Taxation?"
"No matter what, the government will tax it."


"Thanks to Creativity, ideas and the ways they can be combined are infinite."
"True, but this blog isn't."
"But the blog can't end, Creativity hasn't walked into a bar yet."



Creativity walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And Creativity said, "Can I have something on the house?"
"Sure," said the bartender and he brought Creativity a brick.  Creativity drank the brick, and then left to wait on the other side of the road for some more ideas.

All About Ideas

"How many ideas does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Fifty.  One to change the bulb, and 49 to suggest better ways to do it."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"An idea."

"An idea who?"

"An idea E Equals M C Squared."

"Uh?"

"E Equals M C Squared."

"I don't get it."

"Is this Albert Einstein's house?"

"No."

"Sorry, wrong address."

"Why did the idea cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To be with 48 other ideas suggesting better ways to change a light bulb."

"Why did the idea cross the road?"

"To be with 48 other ideas?"

"No, to go to Albert Einstein's house."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"An idea."

"An idea who?"

"An idea that you don't know who is at your door."

An idea walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

The idea said, "I'll have something original, please."

The bartender left and then returned with this blog.  

The idea took a sip of this blog and said, "It's original, but poor quality."

Great Ideas That Never Made It

Bumpers for flying saucers

Self-cleaning soap

Windowless windows

Plastic wind

Dumb phones

Hats for headless people

Imaginary voices only other imaginary voices can hear

Airplanes that never crash (except when they do)

Hotcats 

Buns for hotcats

Non-caffeinated footballs

Cotton pencils

Invisible space

Coats for goats

Bladeless fans

Visible forests for the trees

Self-solving problems

This blog

SHORT STORY IDEAS . . .

During a hurricane, the son of a bitch battles the storm to stop fleas from blowing away.

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The night before the U.S. presidential election, John F. Kennedy appears on television shouting, "April Fools!  April Fools!"

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A feminist, hired by the post office, leads a campaign to stamp out all-male mail boxes.

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An hallucination teams up with a dream to fight against a gang of imagination killers.

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Years of financial hardship and never-ending work, makes a single parent break into a prison to get a break.

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After surviving a forest fire, a tree turns to a life of crime by robbing branches of banks and giving leaves to the poor.

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As a plague rages across the globe, a funny bone technician says, "I'm outta this blog before I get sick!"

SOME THINGS THAT BOTHER ME

I don't like being murdered.  Every time someone kills me, it throws off my day.


Earthquakes often get under my skin, and building.  I don't mind earthquakes if nothing gets broken, but they usually cause a crack or two and make lots of noise.


Leaders of countries bother me when they make speeches on television and interrupt my favorite tv shows.


People who pick their noses in public and then wipe their boogers on their clothing.  What makes them think that no one is watching?


Loud noises bother me---especially noises from nuclear bomb testing.  Why can't the military test bombs on other planets?


I am always bothered when I run out of ideas.  There should be a law preventing this from happening to me.

I REMEMBER . . .

Some doctor told me that I have amnesia.  I don't remember his name.  I feel okay.  I think he was mistaken.  My memory is fine.  I can remember things that never happened. 

I remember:

- When an incurable plague raged around the world and killed off nobody;

- When a clown saved Earth from an alien-balloon invasion, and created another universe with a Big Bang;

- When Moses said to God, "Ten?  You only have ten?" 

- When an alien, with a degree in anal probeology, suffered major depression because he could not decide who the biggest asshole was on Earth;

- When I had only a month to live, but lived longer because I did not have a calendar;

- When a zombie ate my brains and then complained, "I'm still hungry!  There wasn't enough."

- When I had to choose between love or money and chose bananas; and

Finally I remember when I ran out of ideas.

EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING THIS BLOG

I am too confused to write.  I feel as if I am a Caitlyn Jenner trapped in a Gary Johnston.  

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I cannot write.  I don't have a writer's licence.

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I am too busy thinking up excuses for not writing.

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My pen ran out of ink and I don't have enough money to buy a refill.

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I am too busy Christmas shopping.  (There are only 201 days left.)

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I am too busy not being on vacation to write.

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The dog ate my ideas.

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Too busy hanging out with my laundry.

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And the final excuse I am not writing this blog?  I have nothing to say.

SOMEWHERE FAR ABOVE THE EARTH . . .

"Human," said the Zogar, "we have conducted all manner of tests to discover where you get your ideas and we are at a loss.  Can you tell us?"

"I belong to the Association for the Advancement of Nothing (AAN)," said the human.  "Every month they mail me their newsletter which is full of ideas."

"Where is this Association for the Advancement of Nothing?" asked Zogar.

"It's in Void City, Nowhere."

"Can anyone join?"

"I guess you would think that since I am a member," said the human.  "AAN is selective about its membership."

"How can I join?" asked Zogar.

"Send proof to AAN on how you have advanced nothing.  They will let you know whether you qualify for membership."

"Thanks," said Zogar, "you're free to go.  If you follow me, then I will take you to the beam-down room."

"Okay, but before I go," said the human, "I have a question."

"Ask," said Zogar.

"Did your anal probe make my ass look big?"

"We will return Gary as soon as we discover where he gets his ideas. An anal probe did not give us the answer, and further research is needed."

ON CRIME

A criminal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I've just escaped," says the criminal.  "Have you got anything that will reduce my sentence when they catch me?"

"I sure do," says the bartender.

The bartender serves him a martini garnished with arsenic.

***

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Q:  Why did the criminal cross the road?

A:  To steal a chicken.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"A robber."

"A robber who?"

"Never mind and gimme your money!"

***

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Oh the poor robber!  He froze to death trying to rob a snowbank.

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BREAKING NEWS:  Toronto Police arrested and charged a writer with theft.  Police said that Sam Scribbler was at the public library stealing ideas.  Scribbler will appear in court on June 31.

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PETER PAN'S SHADOW JAILED FOR DESERTION!

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The judge says to the criminal, "Have you got anything to say before I sentence you?"

"Yes," says the criminal.

"What would you like to say?"

"I love action.  If you're gonna sentence me, then could you make me a predicate?"

***

I AM GRATEFUL

Every time I stop at a stop sign, I am grateful that there are no such things as invisible cars.

I am grateful that a black hole has not swallowed the Earth.  What would we pollute if there was no Earth?
 

I am grateful to our politicians who always show us the difference between lies and lies.

I am grateful that I sleep when I nap.

I am grateful that night follows day.  Can you imagine what life would be like if day followed night?

I am grateful that I am capable of giving thanks for being grateful.

Often, the world is grateful that I run out of ideas.

ARE THERE SUCH THINGS AS RANDOM QUESTIONS?

Does the sky ever sing the blues?

Should AIDS, SARS, and Ebola slow down Dracula?  Shouldn't he give his victims a blood test and wait for results before he bites?

Do light bulbs always have bright ideas?

Am I attracting Good Luck?  A flying horseshoe hit me in the head.  I'm okay, but the horseshoe required stitches.  

Will my imagination lose weight if I put it on a diet of fat-free ideas?

Can a question exist without an answer?


Are there such things as random questions?  Can "Wood comes from trees" be an answer to this question?   

VOICES BLOWING BUBBLES

Why do the voices in my head want to blow bubbles?

"For fun," we say.  "We love to play in all the empty space up here!"

But I thought you guys have fun telling me things.

"We do, and you have fun with the things we tell you.  But blowing bubbles is fun for fun's sake.  Sorry about the popping sound.  Perhaps the pops would not be so loud if there wasn't so much space up here for the sound to pop around."  

Can I ask you not to blow bubbles while I am reading?  

"Sure, you can ask us to do anything.  Whether we do it or not is another question."

Have my bowels influenced you?

"Ahhh!  A reference to your blog on May 11.  To answer your question, no.  Perhaps we have influenced your bowels.  We will never tell."

How about blowing bubbles while I am talking?  The popping noise won't be too distracting because I don't think when I am talking.

"Hmmm . . . Okay, we will only blow bubbles while you are talking. 
"Is there anything else you would like to ask us?"

Yeah.  Where do you guys get your ideas?

"From your bowels."  

HOW TO BE CREATIVE

If you want to be creative then remember, 

So, how do you generate new ideas?  How do you think outside the box?  First you find the box you are thinking inside of.  Once you find it, climb outside of it and start thinking.  Secondly, take risks.  You can buy them at The Risk Store, but taking or stealing risks is much more fun.  Thirdly, fall down the stairs.  Falling down the stairs and banging your head will give you new perspectives with new ideas.

If the above ideas don't work, then take a pencil and a piece of paper and eat them.   Watch the ideas flow out of both ends.

You can always use the following suggestion when stuck on any problem, or facing any situation that requires creative thinking.  Ask yourself, "What would Anonymous do?"  No one knows who Anonymous is or what he or she would do; so you are safe no matter what action you take.

These are just a few suggestions.  For further suggestions, consult the books used as references for this blog.

REFERENCES

Away, Passed. The Zombie's Guide To Creative Deathing.  Slaughter Press, 2011.

Dameron, Julia.   The Artist's No Way: An Earthly Path To Lower Creativity.  Mud & Company, 2007.

Ovate, Inn.  New Ideas And What To Do With Them. Mind's Eyeglasses Press, 2013.  

AT YOUR SERVICE . . .

What services do I provide?  Many.  Here are some of them:

• To the letters of the alphabet, I provide words.
• To ideas, I provide expression.
• To my Facebook friends, I provide a Wall to write on.
• To my kids and family, I provide embarrassment.
• To my ex-wife, I provide someone to blame.
• To the group Termites Against Steel, I provide my support.
• To the public, I provide someone to judge and feel superior to.
• To the environment, I provide carbon dioxide and other environmentally-friendly stuff.
• To the government,  I reluctantly provide money.
• To various sane and insane voices,  I provide the space inside my head.
• To homeless viruses, germs and diseases,  I provide temporary shelter. 

 And to my fellow human beings, I provide laughter as we trudge towards Eternity where McDonald's, Starbucks, and Walmart wait to welcome us.

THE VOICES RETURN

"We're back!"
What took you so long?
"We lost the key of imagination, and got stuck in the shadow and substance of things and ideas in The Twilight Zone.  Traffic was reduced to one lane."
I'm glad you made it back safely.
"It's nice to be back in this vast, open space."
Can you guys take days off in shifts so that all of you don't leave me at once?
"Why?"
That way at least one of you will be there to tell me what to do.  I felt crazy talking to myself when all of  you were gone.
"Okay.  Will do."