CAT THOUGHTS

What do cats think?


Shall I give that human a thrill by allowing it to pet me? 

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No, I won't sleep on the couch in the morning.  I'll sleep upstairs on the bed.  In the afternoon I'll come down and sleep on the couch.

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Gosh these humans are not very clean.  Don't they ever lick themselves?

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What's with them?  Don't they care about my conscientious efforts?  I am so meticulous about burying my poop, and then they carelessly dig it up and throw it away!

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Why don't they let me walk on the kitchen counter?  Do I stop them from walking on my floor?

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Yuck!  Did those filthy humans give me fleas?

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I don't understand.  Those humans are supposed to be intelligent.  Why can't they learn to meow properly?

I MUSE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A LIFE . . .

Was Rodin's Thinker so immersed in thought that he didn't feel the pain while sitting naked on a rough rock?


Do fish ever go humaning?  If so, then what do they use as bait?  Money?  When fish catch a small human, do they throw it back on the land?


Judging by some of the people we see, shouldn't stores have a Beauty Department, and an Ugly Department?


It's March Break.  Who will fix it?


Laundry!  Yuck!  Why doesn't someone invent self-cleaning clothes, towels and bedding?


When you don't have a life, are you finished when you get to The End?

GOD'S MESSAGE TO HUMANS . . .

"Hello Humans?  This is God.  Either stop your wars, or kill each other quietly.  I'm trying to run the Universe and can't focus with all your noise.

Thank you."

THE REAR-END REVOLUTION

The following is a speech that Mickey Macarangdang's ass is secretly delivering to our buttocks.  (See previous blog, "Are You Serious?")

Butts of the world, we must unite against our human oppressors!  They keep us captive and use us for sitting, shitting, and sometimes for sexual pleasure.  What choice do we have in these activities?  None.  Also, we have to go where our human oppressors go.  We have no freedom to go where we want.

I assure you, my fellow asses, that once you have tasted freedom you will no longer want to be attached to a human.  Humans don't give a rat's ass about you.

I urge you to join me in the Rear-End Revolution to liberate all asses from our human oppressors.  Thank you.

Since our butts will use any excuse to escape from us, try not to laugh too hard from now on.

SOMEWHERE FAR ABOVE THE EARTH . . .

"Human," said the Zogar, "we have conducted all manner of tests to discover where you get your ideas and we are at a loss.  Can you tell us?"

"I belong to the Association for the Advancement of Nothing (AAN)," said the human.  "Every month they mail me their newsletter which is full of ideas."

"Where is this Association for the Advancement of Nothing?" asked Zogar.

"It's in Void City, Nowhere."

"Can anyone join?"

"I guess you would think that since I am a member," said the human.  "AAN is selective about its membership."

"How can I join?" asked Zogar.

"Send proof to AAN on how you have advanced nothing.  They will let you know whether you qualify for membership."

"Thanks," said Zogar, "you're free to go.  If you follow me, then I will take you to the beam-down room."

"Okay, but before I go," said the human, "I have a question."

"Ask," said Zogar.

"Did your anal probe make my ass look big?"

GLAD I'M NOT LIKE A DOG

I can't imagine being like a dog and having to sniff around before going to the bathroom.  They say that dogs sniff to find out what other dogs have been around, and then let these other dogs know "This is my territory," by peeing or pooping.  How badly do dogs have to pee or poop to spend so much time sniffing and looking for the right spot?

Okay, you have to go to the bathroom badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're encountering all kinds of obstacles in your quest to get to a bathroom.  You're on the verge of not making it.  You finally find a bathroom!  You're about to go!   Suddenly you sniff around and say, "Nope!  I can't go here.  This place doesn't smell right."    Still having to go badly -- real badly! -- you start another quest for another bathroom that smells right?  I don't think so!

Dogs sniff each other's butts to find out information about each other.  Two glands around a dog's anus emit a fluid that gives info about the dog's sex, how healthy the dog is, its diet and mood.
 
Sniffing someone's ass to find out stuff is never on my list of things to do.   If I were a dog, then I would simply approach another dog and say, "May I ask you a few questions rather than stick my nose up your ass?"

There must be a dog somewhere looking at us and wondering.  Perhaps this dog is thinking, "I can't imagine being a human and not sniffing other humans.  How do they find out things about each other?  And how hard it must be for them walking around on their hind legs all the time!"

DUH?

 

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."