If Dogs Ruled Our Country . . .

If dogs ruled our country . . . 

- Going for walks would be a national pastime

- Perfumes would stink

- Sniffing butts would be okay in public

- Fire hydrants would have a special status

- Fetch would become our national sport

- Doggy style would make the missionary position obsolete

- There would be concentration camps for cats

- Being needy wouldn't be a negative thing

- Bones would replace gold

- Dog leashes would be banned

And finally, if dogs ruled our country, then Canada would be renamed, Canineada

ON DOGS AND SNIFFING

Why do dogs have to sniff and sniff and sniff before they poop or pee?  How badly do they have to go?

Imagine you have to go badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're on the verge of going in your pants.  Finally!  Finally you find a washroom.  Are you going to sniff around and then say, "Nope.  I can't go here.  This place does not smell right."?

DOGS' THOUGHTS ON STOOPING AND SCOOPING

What do dogs think when they see humans stooping and scooping?  I asked 11 dogs and here is what they said.


"Gosh, my master has an interesting hobby!"


"My poor master!  Does he get enough to eat?" 


"What's my master going to do with that?  Make a weapon by using it with a fan?"


"Hmmm . . . Is there gold in my poop?  Perhaps I should start charging for it."


"What does my master do with it?  Sell it to politicians for their speeches?"


 "Is my master recycling my food?"


"My master has an interesting strategy for something."


"I know he loves me more than his wife.  I never see him doing this for her."


"Is my master a coprophiliac?"  


"How weird!  I'd report him if he wasn't so nice to me."

"Ha!  Look at her!  And she thinks that she is the master."

WHAT? MORE ACTIVIST GROUPS?

Insects Against Spider Webs (IASW)


Hallucinations Against Reality (HAR)


Talking Dogs Against Barking And Other Uncivilized Sounds) (TDABAOUS)


Babies Against Adults Who Make Silly Faces And Stupid Noises (BAAWSFASN)


Love Against Marriage (LAM)


Body Fat Against Diets (BFAD)


Demons Against Sunday School (DASS)


Plagiarism Against Originality (PAO) 


Endings For Beginnings Which Lead To Endings
(EFBWLTE)

MY BOOK OF QUESTIONS

My Book of  Questions was recently published on the planet Jargonthynos.  The date for the publication of an Earth edition is not known.  Here is an excerpt:

Are dogs lucky that fire hydrants never complain?  


Do fire hydrants have low self-esteem?

What perverse pleasure does God get by sending earthquakes, hurricanes, and other disasters?

Was there a fifth season whose murder was committed and covered up by the CIA?


Is "Icon" something a jailbird says who does not know the word "am" and the indefinite article "a"?


How come black holes don't have a reality show?


What make and model of car does God drive?  Does he get good deals on gas?


Are sweepstakes brooms made from cows?


Has the world ended yet?

WHAT IF . . . .

What if circles were square?  How would square balls bounce?  What would jockstraps look like?

What if Hamlet wrote William Shakespeare?  Would William Shakespeare  be or not be a good play?

What if J.K. Rowling smoked hairy pot?

What if revolving doors sang "Come on baby light my fire" over and over and over again?

What if a hospital got sick?  Where would it go?

What if the Law of Gravity fell?  Would it break?

What if dogs loved to hang around fly poop?  Would fire hydrants be jealous?

What if low prices took drugs?  Would they get high?

What if you were not reading this?

GLAD I'M NOT LIKE A DOG

I can't imagine being like a dog and having to sniff around before going to the bathroom.  They say that dogs sniff to find out what other dogs have been around, and then let these other dogs know "This is my territory," by peeing or pooping.  How badly do dogs have to pee or poop to spend so much time sniffing and looking for the right spot?

Okay, you have to go to the bathroom badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're encountering all kinds of obstacles in your quest to get to a bathroom.  You're on the verge of not making it.  You finally find a bathroom!  You're about to go!   Suddenly you sniff around and say, "Nope!  I can't go here.  This place doesn't smell right."    Still having to go badly -- real badly! -- you start another quest for another bathroom that smells right?  I don't think so!

Dogs sniff each other's butts to find out information about each other.  Two glands around a dog's anus emit a fluid that gives info about the dog's sex, how healthy the dog is, its diet and mood.
 
Sniffing someone's ass to find out stuff is never on my list of things to do.   If I were a dog, then I would simply approach another dog and say, "May I ask you a few questions rather than stick my nose up your ass?"

There must be a dog somewhere looking at us and wondering.  Perhaps this dog is thinking, "I can't imagine being a human and not sniffing other humans.  How do they find out things about each other?  And how hard it must be for them walking around on their hind legs all the time!"

THERE ARE ONLY . . .

 

AND BEFORE I CLOSE . . .