VISUAL DISTRACTIONS

This sign is at the Wilson Subway Station, in Toronto, in an area being renovated.  It should be near the parliament buildings, at Queen's Park, where the Ontario government shits-er-uh-I mean sits.



Signs that exist only in this blog:

 

 

THEY SAID THAT?

 

 

WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW

I know that 2 + 2 = 4.  (Does that make 4 bitwoual?)

I know that God is not dead.  (He started that rumor to hide his income and avoid taxes.)

I know that water is wet -- moist of the time.

I know that grass is green, and has nothing to do with snot.

I know that if you jump off a cliff, then sooner or later you will touch the ground.

I no when it comes to drugs.

I know that money talks, and never stops.  (I had to move my piggy bank out of my bedroom to get some sleep.)

I know that Snow White never had a problem having multiple orgasms.

I know when to stop.

VACANT MIND FOR SALE

Death is a once in a lifetime opportunity. (I can't wait.)


Need more incentive?  Try taking cocaine.


I have used my line of credit to tie myself up in debt. 


Want a successful business?  Try selling drugs.


Knowledge is power. (But it cannot replace electricity.)


Is masturbation self-serve sex?


I want to make money, but making money is illegal.


Is thinking easier than you think?

 

WHAT IF . . . .

What if circles were square?  How would square balls bounce?  What would jockstraps look like?

What if Hamlet wrote William Shakespeare?  Would William Shakespeare  be or not be a good play?

What if J.K. Rowling smoked hairy pot?

What if revolving doors sang "Come on baby light my fire" over and over and over again?

What if a hospital got sick?  Where would it go?

What if the Law of Gravity fell?  Would it break?

What if dogs loved to hang around fly poop?  Would fire hydrants be jealous?

What if low prices took drugs?  Would they get high?

What if you were not reading this?

WAITING FOR MY VOICES

I am waiting for the voices in my head to tell me something to write.  They are resting from being stressed out.  They get stressed whenever I bang my head.  They think it's an earthquake.  Good thing for me I have a hard head because I bang it frequently.  

Doctors want to give me drugs to stop the voices, but I would miss my voices if they left me.  They are with me all the time except when I go to the bathroom.  That's when they temporarily leave me because they have a keen sense of smell.

My voices have been with me since I was in my mother's womb.  (Why did I use mother's womb?  Could I have just used womb?  Whose womb would I have been in?  My father's?)  I remember that it was dark and wet, and wet and dark.  My voices first words to me were, "Kick!  Kick!  Give your parents a thrill and kick!"

My voices were right because I would hear my mother shouting to my father, "Quick!  Come here quick!  He's kicking!"  Then my father would come and put his hand on my mother's belly and say, "Yeah!  Wow!  I can feel him kicking!"  It did not take much to amuse my parents. 

(Photo from National Geographic's In The Womb)

I remember the day I was born.  It just happened to work out as the same day as my  birthday.  I was sleeping when the voices shouted, 

"Wake up!  Wake up!  It's time to go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Out into the world."

"The world?"

"You'll understand once you're out."

"How do I get out?"

"Over there."

"There?  I'll never fit through there."

"Yes you will."

Suddenly I was moving.  I could not control it.  Sometimes I moved fast.  Sometimes I moved slow.  The voices were right.  I did fit through the hole . . .

"We're back!"

"Oh!  You startled me."

"Startled?  That's part of what we feel when you bang your head."

HEALTH TIPS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO LIVE NOW

Don't meditate.  It's boring.  Keep yourself busy busy busy.  Get upset at whatever you can no matter how minor it is.  Expressing your feelings is good for you.  Never hold back.

Eat whatever you like.  It's all going to end up going down the drain eventually.  Why not enjoy it before it does?
  
Don't exercise.  Why make yourself all hot and sweaty when you can relax on the couch eating whatever you like.

NOT-SO-FAMOUS QUOTES

 

 

MODERN LIFE

What a wonderful life!  We have telephones that take pictures and play music and perform a multitude of other tasks.  You can even talk on them if you want.  We can work and play on our computers without having to leave home.  We can take drugs for every problem -- even the problems not yet invented.    We can fight wars remotely, and don't have to look at the people we are killing, or the devastation we cause.

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS . . .

What is happiness without happiness?

Will joining  Bugs Against Pesticides (BAP) bring meaning to my life?

I wish today was today.

Plonk!

Can dreams come false?

Should I start drinking and doing drugs so I can relate to my kids?

Is 347 years old the new 150?

Where is this box that you are supposed to think outside of?

Should I give vampires my mortal support?

I hope to live until I die.