Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

WALKING INTO BARS






A bartender walks into a bar.  The owner of the bar, who is also the bartender, says, "What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"


A Who's-there? walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The Who's-there? says, "I'll have a knock knock please."
The bartender says, "A knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "Who's there?"
The bartender says, "What's a knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "What's-a-knock-knock who?"
"No," says the bartender, "I'm asking what a knock knock is.  I've never heard of that drink."
"Forget it," says the Who's-there?.  "I'm leaving.  You just ruined the joke!"


A naked man walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, didn't you forget something?"
The naked man looks down at himself and then rushes out saying, "You're right,  I forgot my wallet!"


 A politician walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The politician smiles and says, "What do most of your customers drink?"
The bartender says, "Beer."
"Then I'll have a beer, please," says the politician.
"What brand of beer?" asks the bartender.
"Uh-er-uh-can I get back to you on that?" asks the politician.  "I want to set up a task force to study the matter further, and then make recommendations."


 A turd walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve shit in here."
"That's not what I heard," says the turd.  "I'll have a pina colada, please."
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then makes a flushing noise.  The turd runs out terrified.


"I said,  What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"
"I do," says the bartender, "but I just came in here to get a break.  I've had a rough shift.  I had to deal with a Who's-there? who yelled at me for ruining its joke, a naked man without his wallet, a politician who couldn't order a beer without consulting a task force, and a turd who wanted a pina colada."
"Wow," says the owner-bartender, "that's rough!  At least I don't have to worry about anything like that happening to me."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"Because," says the owner-bartender, "I was created just for this blog; so my existence ends when this blog ends."
"Really?" asks the bartender.  "Do you believe in life after blog?"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

FIVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013

1 - Spend less time with family and friends 
     My work and watching television are more important than spending time with family and friends.  Spending less time with them will allow me to get more work done.  Watching more television will move me closer to my goal of having that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

2 - Start smoking
     I have always enjoyed sticking my head over a chimney stack and inhaling smoke.  This is often difficult, and shows a lack of self-control.  By smoking, I am able to easily get the same effect while practising moderation.

3 - Start drinking
     I am tired of taking responsibility for my actions.  If I drink, then I can blame my actions on the alcohol.

4 - Gain weight
     My clothes have fit me far too long.  It's time for a new wardrobe.  By gaining weight I can justify buying new clothes.

5 - Enjoy life less
     Look at all the suffering going on in the world.  Why should I enjoy my life when others are unable to?  I will strive to be more miserable to be in harmony with the rest of the world.





  

Monday, October 10, 2011

RANDOM THOUGHTS . . .

What is happiness without happiness?

Will joining  Bugs Against Pesticides (BAP) bring meaning to my life?

I wish today was today.

Plonk!

Can dreams come false?

Should I start drinking and doing drugs so I can relate to my kids?

Is 347 years old the new 150?

Where is this box that you are supposed to think outside of?

Should I give vampires my mortal support?

I hope to live until I die.